The Game

It's not always easy, it's not always fun but the game continues. Games, the set up is an arbitrary set of rules set out by at least two opponents to crush the other into submission. It doesn't matter whether it is the NFL, the NBA or even hockey. It's all about breaking your opponents will, and exposing their weakness for at least their opponent to see - and at worst the entire free fucking world to gawk at.

This is as timeless as time itself, and as long as we have been upright and with thumbs it has been going on. Sometimes with the most ruthless of consequences. In the beginning (depending on which theory you subscribe to) man was to compete with the world to live. Just to eat was a pain in the asss. Not like today where 3 bucks can get you 2500 of the most disingenuous of calories at any shitty drive through.

But, just like everything in life there is the simple, most elegant of exceptions. Love. Love has been called an addiction, wars have been fought over it, people have died, killed themselves and others to get it. Maintain it. Hold the abstract in their hand. How the fuck can you hold anything abstract?

When love IS the game, who wants to defeat their opponent - or in other words the one they love? But that is the game, right? That is what we have been indoctrinated with our entire lives. It lives within us right next door to Mr. fucking EGO - and that fucker has a mansion. The white house has got nothing on that dudes guest house. So how do you win at this game with its arbitrary rules which have been defined over centuries? Be honest.

Man woman or child, it really makes no difference other than the level of understanding. Honesty. Straight up and without fail. See, the only ego you get to play with, move around and even sacrifice is your own. Ego is that little voice inside your head that says, "let's fucking be right, fuck the world. They don't care anyway". And that dude can never seem to shut the fuck up.

Medical science has tried. Drugs and chemicals are all a means to shut the ego up. Billions dollar industries have been designated to it. Make the one little pill or elixir that will silence the urging, the voice - that will to self sacrifice. All have failed, miserably! But the machine must keep going. Dollars must be spent and made. And for what? If the cats in charge of this project worked for any normal corporation they would have been fired long ago.

My advice, for what it's worth is to check that fucker Ego at the door. We all have to eat a little shit occasionally. Get out the ketchup and go to work. As for the rest of us who have allowed this bastard to proliferate in any part of our lives be it professional, personal or familial make amends now - and don't let the last thing you say to the one(s) that you love is not just that.

Merry Christmas!

Almost worth the fucking ticket!

That's right fuckers - I'm back, at least for the day. No homework so I can drop some worthless logic and wisdom - or regale you with my personal run-ins with the Glendale police department. I have met up with those cock suckers twice in the past 4 days. Lucky me.

So last Thursday I am running late for my 7:30am math class. This is the one class I have that attendance counts - and is taken - and counts against you if you are absent or tardy. How exactly, I don't know.

7:30am comes early and last Thursday I was running late. Like 2 minutes late - and that includes the 10 minute walk I usually make to get to class. So, in the interest of time I decided to park closer in the pay lot 1/3 mile closer than the lot I usually patronize.

I turn into the lot (making a left hand turn from an actual turn lane) and a motorcycle cop points me to a spot in the lot where he proceeded to write me a ticket. For what? I asked as dude checks my license and insurance. "Didn't you see the sign"? What fucking sign, I asked? "The sign that says you can't make a left hand turn between 6 and 9 am"? Nope!

Now I have been working on shutting the fuck up, especially when my mouth running is only going to exacerbate my situation - but this fucker had his little ticket book out already and he can't arrest me for questioning his intelligence.

Me:You are seriously going to write me up?

Cop 1: Yup.

Me: Does that sign make any fucking sense to you, or was it made by the Ambiguity Shithead Scenario Group - or ASS Group"?

Then, officer SAT's asks me, "what is that supposed to mean"?

Me: I have to explain ambiguity to you?

Cop 1: No......

Me: Then what does it mean, huh?

About this point officer Mcstupid's partner walked over. He must have heard the conversation I was having with his buddy.

Cop 2: Go ahead, tell him what it means.

Cop 1: It doesn't matter what it means. There is a sign that says no left hand or u-turns between the hours  of 6 and 9 am Monday through Friday.

Me: So you don't know what it means?

Cop1: It means you are getting a ticket.

Me: Isn't this actually just a summons?

Cop 2 is laughing by now. Cop 1 is just pissed off.

Cop1: I need your signature.

Me: For what?

Cop: To show that I gave you the SUMMONS.

Me: I don't want the ticket though.

Cop2: We can take you in to the jail to get your signature.

Both of these cops were on motorcycles, with their stupid looking "hip wader" boots on.

Me: What, you going to make me ride on the back of your scooter?

The first cop was completely pissed off by now, and I knew it. He stared at me while getting on his radio and requesting backup.

Me: Fine, where do I sign?

Cop 1: It's not an admission of guilt, just a promise to show up.

Me: You know my address has changed right?

Cop 1: It's not on your license. How long has it been since you moved?

Me: A year or so.

Dude starts to smile. I knew what he was trying to do. In California it is against the law to not change your address within 30 days of moving. He breaks out another ticket for me and begins to fill it out.

Cop 1: What is your current address?

Me: (I tell him)

He proceeds to fill out the ticket for failure to change my address and hands it to me to sign.

Me: I'm not signing that.

Cop 1: Do you want to go to jail?

Me: Nope.

Cop 1: Then sign the citation.

Me: Nope.

Cop 2: Why would you agree to sign the first ticket, er, summons, and not this one?

Me: I changed my fucking address already.

Cop 1: You are still getting this citation.

Me: Really?

I walked over to my car and dug out my DMV paperwork. I found my address change receipt, and brought it out to show it to dummy. I handed it to him. Cop 2 was laughing his ass off by now and I felt vindicated.

Me: You still want me to sign that? (pointing at his neato ticket book)

Cop 1 walks off ripping up the ticket he wrote for me. I may have received a ticket, but making a cop feel stupid was almost worth it. If you know you are getting a ticket anyway, give a little back.

The Garden

My girl sent me an article the other day, and it caught me by complete surprise. In it was a story about the Federal government sending out menacing letters to pot dispensaries in California essentially giving them 45 days to shut the fuck down. This, from a federal government who for the last two years has insisted the states are grown ups and can handle their own shit. There are 30 plus states who have also voted medical marijuana use into law - and I'm guessing they are next.

The letters were sent by the attorney general (notice no caps) to dispensaries up and down the state. The letters threaten the owners of the land if not owned by dispensary operators with forfeiture of said property, felony charges and most likely some bullshit RICO predications for good measure. Can you say INJUNCTION???????

This kiddies is not what you think - the continuation of the war on drugs. People aren't going to quit smoking weed because Obama can't seem to balance his checkbook. Nope. This is political, and if truth be told I would bet the president has a secret service dude on standby at ALL times with a smoke and a toke.

Nope kids, this is about the pharmaceutical whores who are the largest cartels on the planet. They have shitloads of cash and lobbyists to pay off all of those corrupt fuckers in DC, all so they can create Pot-Marts. These fuckers have seen the taxes generated from the sale of pot here in California and the government hates competition.

So, step one - shut down existing operations. Obama Jabong will take the high (no pun intended) road and claim gateway drug blah blah blah. Pot is destroying the youth of America.......or maybe people are just gradually becoming dumber?????

Step two - hand the weed production, distribution and sale to corporate America in the way of SKB, Watson and others.

Step three - Issue stock in Weed Marts (IPO) and since president smoker dude will own a huge portion of said corporation BEFORE the IPO dude gets rich(er) and everybody is happy.

Obama should have figured out he won't be at the White house for another 4 years - he fucked up. Sorry dude, game over. But if this is your parting gift to the stoners of California, a state you think you can carry regardless what your incumbent ass does, you are so fucking wrong.

This is essentially your retirement fund (allegedly) and your transparency is for shit. Remember history before you go fucking with the stoner republic and tearing down their grassy knoll. Nothing good comes from a grassy knoll - except weed for those who wish to use it MEDICINALLY.

One last point, and take this in the spirit in which it is intended but - PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING MANIPULATED WHEN THEY KNOW THEY ARE BEING MANIPULATED. Feel free to change your bong water, smoke a Newport and relax. Your time in DC is coming to an end.

Are you ready for some bullshit?

Freedom of speech is one of this country's foundations. Sure, there is shit you can't say - fire in a fucking movie house: "bomb" on an airplane: "whore" in church. Who knew saying "Hitler" on Fox would get Hank Williams Jr. banned from ESPN's Monday Night Football theme?

Apparently, Williams is smarter than the fuckers that run ESPN as he chose to clarify his comment(s) that he made referencing the "golf" summit between Obama and House Speaker Boehner comparing it to Hitler playing golf with the Israeli president - it won't get shit done.

Williams went on to say the two politicians, who both smoke by the way, are polar opposites. It doesn't take a fucking advanced degree to figure that out. The "conflict" between the Israeli's and every Muslim country for control of the Holy Land has been going on for over two thousand years - and it will never get fixed. Not today, tomorrow or ever.

For Hank to make the statement is almost less opinion than fact - and to lose a gig opening America's pastime in primetime goes to show how fucked up this country can be. I know, it's the President, but he has done a shit job - the economy sucks, the national debt is out of control and dude is on the golf course trying to figure out how to get another four years?

Calling it how it is, as far as I know, is still allowed - even if it hurts the big dudes feelings. Some shit just might need to be said regardless of how politically incorrect it is to the corporate world.

I personally don't care for Hank's music, but I like the man. Had he called the president a fucking idiot it's entirely possible I could throw in the word "love" - but he held his tongue.

Dude is considering running for office in Tennessee and it would almost be worth it to move there just so I can vote for him. It doesn't matter which side of the political isle you are on, this is some BULLSHIT! I'm glad House is starting tonight so I don't have to watch their shitty network anymore than I have to, besides the game tonight sucks. Have a nice day, and beware of what you say. You just might lose your job!

"Because we have always done it this way" = Death by lethal injection

That is what the LAPD and Orange County PD said when asked if they were inclined to modify their "official" police line-up protocol. A new study has just been released showing when cops who a) know which photo is the potentially guilty party and b) the photographs are all shown at the same time the false identification rate goes up exponentially.

The ideal scenario is to use a computer, and to show witnesses possible perpetrators one at a time so they can compare the photos to what is inside of their head, or memory instead of the other pictures of benign suspects. This method, also known as the "double blind" method - is used routinely in the scientific and  pharmaceutical worlds. Why? Because it fucking works.

This study on improper criminal identifications has been conducted over 35 years, and has taken a back seat to genetic evidence, until recently. Troy Davis was executed yesterday and how ironic is it that this high profile case was on and off again several times, had governmental officials involved along with some high profile civilians? if I remember correctly 2 million people signed a petition to have the execution stayed until sufficient police work was done - which is essentially a life sentence.

In the Davis case, there was no physical or DNA evidence linking him to the death of an off duty cop who was shot in the late 80s.

I'm not contending that this guy was not guilty - I don't know that much about his case. I do know if it was up to me there is no fucking way I could have pushed that syringe. Dudes like Timothy Mcveigh I have no issue with eliminating from the gene puddle. Difference is TM admitted his crime, which as horrific as it was came off as original and effective as any attack on American soil, until Bin Laden had his epiphany. Look where he ended up - and he fucking deserved it on general principal alone.

The death penalty is a controversial issue, and there is no rational reason to continue a piss poor process that potentially leads to the afterlife without having state of the art technology to use (not manipulate) at the disposal of the authorities. That said, I like cops about as much as I like getting poison oak on my cock. However, they are a necessary evil that allegedly maintains order and hands out speeding tickets.

To kill a man due to conjecture, hearsay and general bullshit is a fucking travesty of injustice. I will say the dude took it like a man and didn't cry and make a bunch of fucking noise. He quietly maintained his innocence and let the system fuck him. Nice job system!

This brings me to the LAPD and the cocksuckers down south in the OC - you can't have it both ways dummies. You cannot convict someone using technology such as genetic testing and at the same time deny a new protocol that will help you eliminate your fuckups. Perhaps your department doesn't want to fix the fuckups, but you work for us, the taxpayers - we are the board of directors and if there is a new method of keeping your idiocy out of the legal equation I'm all for it. Now, all we need to do is gather a quorum and take a vote.

I'm not sure what the problem is or where the resistance is coming from as it pertains to this issue, but when I see your cruisers running around with duct tape holding the bumper on I'm guessing that doesn't breed confidence in your capabilities or your intellect - or your integrity.

Consider changing your slogan from "to protect and serve" to "we may just ass fuck you". It would definitely be more accurate and believable.

Look, nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. But those mistakes are as serious as the consequences they cause. Feel free to quit fucking up, profiling and writing people up at the end of every month. We all know you have quotas to fill, but, if you did your fucking jobs every day instead of cramming 30 days worth of tickets into speed traps 4 days at the end of every month we would all be better off.

By the way, those little mountie helmets your MC cops wear look stupid as hell. Just thought you should know. Have a nice day!

Mensa Hikers Club

The two remaining "incarcerated" hikers from the US have been released from an Iranian prison - alleged to have been spying on Iran for the United States. These cats have been locked up for two years for again "accidentally" stepping over the Iranian border while recreationally hiking. What, their car couldn't make it to Colorado?

There was a third person captured with them, a woman, who was released some time ago. This whole fucking incident is bullshit - three letters will define this scenario: GPS.

First off, if these dudes weren't CIA or some other government acronym, and they just pulled a monumental fucking stupid, then they don't belong on a guided bus tour of Yellowstone.

They were tried and sentenced to 8 years in prison. The Iranian president who has a name I don't care to spell (ajad) is here in the US right now. Coincidence? I don't fucking think so. Ajad knew there was a grassy knoll with his name on it if he kept fucking with Hillary and the State Department. Obama cannot be bothered with this sort of shit.

I can hear the ultra conservatives from here - the US doesn't assassinate world leaders, you know people of influence? Riiiiiiight. That Bin Laden thing was a fucking plot to bolster the economy, or whatever. Ajad knew his days were numbered if he left his sandbox with these stupid assholes locked up, so dude put a price on their heads - $500K each. Let's see, 00000 carry the one - a million dollars "bail" after a sentence has been rendered? That's not bail, it's called a R-A-N-S-O-M because as sure as I'm fucking sitting here these cats will never show back up to court in Iran. Nope, these two are destined to be banished to Assfuck, Ohio - population 3 after they arrive. They are an embarrassment to all of us.

However, these are not smart men so anything is possible but I'm going to go ahead and say they won't be leaving the country anytime soon. If their job was to "spy" on the Iranians and gather intelligence,  they suck at it. If they are just stupid hikers, that is like being a pedophile in general population - they aren't long for this world. It's not like they cut off an arm with a pocketknife.....

The "bail" was posted by an anonymous source. Really? Another one of them 3 letter government organizations had to write a check. Get ready for stamps to get more expensive.

The worst part of this scenario is there will inevitably be the talk shows, Larry King and (I cringe to say this) the view. Whoopi Goldberg may very well be the ugliest black thing on television, and the blonde wimpy chick cries all the time. I've seen her husband on ESPN - she gets a pass on that.

Then the made for TV movie, and ultimately the book complete with a tour. Yeah, I want to read about how stupid these fuckers were and have them sign it for me - I want to get captured by a Sleestak too.

If shit goes really well the Oprah channel will send some other stupid fucks, albeit with cameras, over to some other shit hole third world cat box and a new reality show is born. If all goes well perhaps they will issue a coin - how fucked up is that?

Suppose these two were in the mob? They would be asked to do the honorable thing and commit suicide - in a bathtub - by slitting their wrists - lengthwise. Do we need to bring your older brothers to the congressional hearings?

If the US wants to spy on Iran, keep postage prices where they are and use satellites, drones and those with triple digit IQ's like every other world superpower does. Why punish the entire country for the indiscretions of two directionally challenged morons? Oh yeah, Whoopi Goldberg, feel free to fuck right off.

Nanna Scanners

Here in southern California, we have the unique privilege of grocery shopping at some of the most expensive food markets in the country. I'm not talking about specialty stores catering to the rich and infamous, or cultural markets where you can purchase an entire pig on any day of the year. Nope, the businesses I refer to are probably the same as the stores you all shop in - with one exception. Ok, maybe two.

Here in lovely socal, we get to pay 10% sales tax, which might be different for food but I'm too lazy to check. I know it is fucking spendy to shop here, especially at the big name stores like Albertsons, Vons (Safeway), Stater Bros., and a shit hole called Ralph's. All of them are equally fucked up, and expensive. I'm talking 5 bucks a gallon for non organic milk expensive.

Part of the joy of living in the nations second largest metropolis, aside from the traffic and smog, I mean marine layer is going to the store - and waiting in the endless lines while I watch the manager watch me and the other 312 people trying to get the fuck out of there.

Then, out of nowhere there always appears some little short dude from a hidden door somewhere in the front end of the store who climbs up on a chair to whisper something into the manager's ear. It's like the midget Jedi Mind trick because the manager shakes his head without blinking and magically another lane opens up. Some geriatric lady who blew Bob Hope back in the day shows up limping while trying to keep her teeth in place - smiling that granny grin while she spreads that old lady "red" lipstick all over her partials.

Inevitably, the first words out of her gullet are "can I help you" - and 24 carts race to get to her line first. Not me though, I know better. There is a reason this old lady bakes cookies and gives samples away. Watching her scan groceries is in itself a lesson in futility - and she convinces me that backwards time travel is possible because if she moved any slower shit would fucking stop.

Nice job midget boy, manager tool and senior citizen. You intentions were great but your execution sucks - and when I'm shopping effort means dick. So I am left with the choice of waiting the interminable, purgatorial wait for any one of the two speedy checkers or going through self checkout. Yup, you heard me, self check out. It does have a few advantages:

I never fuck up, ever. When checking my own groceries I don't lose, misplace or end up with assholes contact lens solution. Nope, I get it all right - and fast. The only issue is produce, and with over half of our groceries being produce it becomes a fucking nightmare to scan any and all fresh fruits and veggies.

Corporate food companies must have commissioned some asshole company and a fuckwad software developer who got a copy of "Statistics for Dummies" thus becoming the self proclaimed resident expert of all that is food and shit ticket check out lines - and decided in his video game wisdom how to waste as much as my time as humanly fucking possible.

So when the grocery store workers union threatened to go on strike recently, I was elated. Their position (to be fair) was that they are skilled labor, who make 18 bucks an hour and have better healthcare plans than the fucking government. I heard on the radio that their insurance covers full hospitalization, $25 copay for Dr. visits and $5 prescriptions. The full timers, once fully vested receive 85% of their salary for life upon retirement - and they bitch. Hmmm.

Skilled labor huh? The dumbass with the video game education fucked it up for them, because if skilled labor is knowing how to "scan" a barcode across a scanner then I should be a fucking brain surgeon. Skilled labor? Really?

How many times have you been through the line at the store, brought your food home only to have the single bagged milk or juice sack break leaving you with a fucking mess to clean up and another trip to no mans land because the dude making 18 bucks an hour was too fucking lazy to wrap that fucker up a second time?

So go ahead there grocery boy and threaten me with a good time some more. We for the most part shop at the "non-union" food joints like Smart and Final or Fresh and Easy - and on occasion Trader Joe's. Self checkout at these places is seamless because they got the smart kid who suggested prepackaging all fresh produce and putting bar codes on them. It might cost a little more but it relieves me of having to suffer through the extreme couponers, old slow folks who haven't had real teeth since black and white TV was the shit, and the cockeyed bagger who puts my apples and oven cleaner in the same fucking bag.

Skilled labor? Really?

The Kardashian Way

Some of the feedback I have received from my readers as of late suggests that I pick a "positive" topic, or one that doesn't reflect the world going to shit - now or in the very near future. Well, I'm going to give it a shot. Here goes.

What the fuck are the Kardashian sisters famous for? Can anybody tell me what any of the three have done to be "famous" or reach celebrity status? Sure their daddy was one of OJ's attorneys, but he didn't get his own talk show, or launch legalzoom.com or do interviews from Buttfuck, Montana in tasseled leatherskin jackets giving legal opinions on shit he wasn't involved in. In fact the dude died.

Then, Ms. Kardashian married Bruce Jenner who won some olympic medals. Jenner WAS famous for about 6 minutes before he vanished into obscurity - albeit he has "G" list status for life. Momma Kardashian birthed 3 pretty girls, but several women have done that. Shit, visit Utah and you will find a woman who can double or possibly quadruple that many live births of future hotties. So mom didn't do a fucking thing to propel these girls from well to do rich kids to having a "reality" tv show.

That's another thing that pisses me off - writers get no credit for writing these stupid fucking shows - another subject, another day. Back to the matter at hand.

One of these bimbos married Lamar Odom of the Lakers. He is a half step above Luke "I wanna date the unmarried sister but I'm white and ugly" Walton and will be forgotten as soon as his last game is played - unless he beats up his famous wife. Nah, that shit never happens - whatever...

The eighties and nineties were cool, and are often cited on youtube comments because it took talent and work to become a celebrity. You had to have something to offer even if your voice sounds like nails on a fucking chalkboard. So far, as hard as I try, I cannot make that argument for any of these chicks.

I live in Burbank, near a jogging trail and you cannot throw a dead cat without hitting a hot woman - so what the fuck is so special about these sisters?

Reggie Bush is with me on this.

Now, in the world of "hey lets put a fucking family of morons on TV and call it a show" it appears our entertainment barometer is fucking busted. Of course there is the obligatory book that goes with all of this shit as well. It will probably be a best seller among those who are just beginning to bleed monthly and cross-dressers.

I can hear it now, "they are racially diverse", or "their actions bridge cultural gaps". What a crock of shit. I'm racially diverse, I wanna bridge cultural and socioeconomic gaps. How come I don't have my own TV show?

Actually, the Kardashian's as a TV show are a fucking embarrassment that cannot be undone. They have polluted you tube, twitter, facebook and every other media outlet because of titties and asses. I like titties and asses - well you get the point.

Let's just go ahead and name it, the condition of being famous for no legitimate reason - Hiltons disease. You guessed it, I named that after the godmother of being famous for no good reason, Paris. Have you seen her porno? She should be ashamed of her performance in that flick. No intensity, no motivation, not much of anything. She looked like a geriatric trying to ride a bicycle with arthritis and bad knees. Worst part is I can't get that 8 minutes back.

All I can hope for is on my deathbed I will not look back as Hilton's lame attempt at sex being the single biggest waste of time EVER. I can only worry about that so long as I never see the Kardashian's show.

Bad Sponge

I had to recently write an essay on SpongeBob SquarePants - needless to say I have never seen the show personally, so I interviewed my 15 year old niece. What a cultural phenomenon that is a complete fucking fraud. If you like SpongeBob, quit reading now because it doesn't get any nicer from here.

In doing my research, I found that this fucker is not the friendly, optimistic babysitter that he has been made out to be. Don't worry, I will back up my claims with factual information. But keep in mind this bitch is a fraud - straight up.

As those of you who are familiar with the show, Bob is a kitchen sponge that lives in a myopic world under the sea. He was developed by a marine biologist as a vehicle (allegedly) to teach kids under 11 the workings of life under the ocean. I suppose brilliance and stupidity intersect occasionally.

Series creator Steve Hindenburg has created a cultural icon that is loved by all demographics, all over the world. Talk about failing upward! There are several issues with Bob's world that are in direct contrast with the real world.

Bob's job is a fry cook for Krabbie Patties, of which the ingredients are unknown. Even when asked Hindenburg alluded to the fact that the patties may be vegetarian - riiiiiigggghhhhhhht and my dog has wings growing out of his ass. Vegetarian under the sea? Come on dude, you made a gazillion dollars off this fucker and that is the best you could come up with?

If the patties are truly made from crab meat, then some of the customers are cannibalistic - try explaining that one to young kids and some older brother will go all Hannibal Lector on his younger sibling. If dude says they are vegetarian, then not only is he full of shit but he is again creating a world that is not possible, or feasible.

There was a question of Bob's sexuality back in 2005 - as in Bob and his best buddy Patrick (starfish) knocking boots. Again creator Hindenburg pulled a stupid and said "we never intended for Bob to be gay, I look at him as more asexual". Asexual? The only way Patrick could fuck himself (literally) is to break himself in half. Sort of like a liver transplant - both halves live. I wonder which would be Pat and which would be Rick? But I digress, and the idea of Bob and Patrick nailing each other offscreen is not only physically impossible, it's stupid. A marine biologist should know this. I'm sure dude has fucking GOOGLE.

The worst part of the show is a report that was emailed to me today from a buddy of mine that stated 4 year old, white, rich kids developed ADD or ADHD after just 9 minutes of watching SpongeBob. These kids were also doomed to be fat kids because compared to their peer control group, they ate their snack several minutes before the kids that didn't watch the show.

Shitty part is Hindenburg lives in my zip code.........

Fucking Zero's

I received a text message from my little brother in Dallas - telling me how much he enjoys my blogs. It's a strange feeling to put out a shit load of rhetoric online, and not know who is reading it. I am grateful to all of the regular readers, especially when there are so many options for entertainment on the tube, online and outside your front door. I am truly blessed to have the life I do. This topic was suggested by my brother (Chase) who is one of the best songwriters / lyricists I have ever heard. If you are in Dallas go see his band (Chalk Lign) or better yet his acoustic show - it's fucking awesome. This is your topic Chase, love you!

Now that's out of the way, today's topic is the fucked up welfare system in this country. On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, it appears to me the federal government has done very little to motivate anyone who is on public assistance.

Is that really their fucking job? To motivate the lazy out of their stupor and put them at drive through windows across the country? I still can't get a Wendy's hamburger without cheese, although living in Southern California makes it tough to order anything in a drive up window without speaking a foreign language.

You liberals, settle the fuck down. I'm not beating up on ANY ethnic group. I'm stating facts, and those of you who live somewhere besides SoCal believe me when I say it's a pain in the ass. Starbucks got smart and decided to almost eliminate the drive through window completely. Maybe it's because real estate is so expensive - I'm guessing it's more about a language barrier. After all, who wants to give someone a "hot" coffee and have them pissed off? That shit fucking burns if some asshole gets sideways and tosses it on you because dude didn't get his extra pump of sugar free vanilla.

The Welfare system in Obama's budget is set to spend about 10 trillion over the next 10 years. Dude  won't be president in 10 years, so those numbers are meaningless. Which candidate from either side will come into office thinking that Obama did such a great fucking job, let's just go ahead and keep things as they are? Not fucking one.

But spending a trillion dollars on anything that has no return on the investment possibilities is fucking stupid. Let me repeat that, FUCKING STUPID!

I can hear the far left liberals already whining about the hungry children, the folks who can't get a job, those who are unwilling to accept less than what they made 10 years ago. Look dummies, you can't run as fast as you could 10 years ago (unless you are under 20) so you have to work smarter instead of harder. If that thought doesn't translate into your job search, your future isn't worth a bucket of piss.

There are approximately 40 million food stamp recipients costing the taxpayers approximately 2 grand a piece each year. Some of these people need the assistance, some trade their "benefits" for drugs and other personal habits. Now far be it from me to tell anybody what to spend their cash on, but if I'm paying for it eat hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches.

The pending legislation that is being considered will cap the amount of benefits any one person can get. In Michigan, they are getting medieval with this bullshit program and putting a 4 year maximum in play. Why? So the lazy and unmotivated won't memorize every fucking episode of Law and Order. I'm sure Michael Moore (I like his films, but think his politics are fucking stupid) will get another feature documentary about his shitty little hometown of Flint.

The human race has survived because we adapt and go where the food is. Back in the tribal days, you didn't see villages put up in the middle of the desert where there was no water and eating a scorpion was a good day - nope. People went to places where they could survive. If you can't get a fucking job where you live, move. It's really a simple concept.

If you have children and can't afford them now, quit fucking and making more of them. They say a child is raised by a village and 1,000 years ago that may have been true. In todays world, Tv and the internet seem to be the babysitters of choice - so the village has become unnecessary and computers are paramount to a kids development.

Kids are not to blame, the stupid fuckers that made them are! I see single mom's at school and hear stories of how much sacrifice they make to get an education in order to answer a phone - their choice.

This country is the greatest in the world because it guarantees the "pursuit of happiness." That statement says nothing about paying for that pursuit. If life is kicking you in the balls over and over again, move your balls (that's metaphoric) and do something different.

For those of you on public assistance, get used to the idea of not getting it. Get a fucking job, and if there are no jobs then create one for yourself.

The rest of the world expects bad shit to happen, and deal with it accordingly for the most part. America is the only country in the civilized world where we are truly surprised when bad shit happens. Well, get fucking used to it - bad has been around almost as long as good and it isn't leaving anytime soon.

For the politicians who are making these decisions, quit worrying about getting re-elected and make tough choices. You want to see chaos in this country? Keep your bullshit up. Take a lesson from Trump or Chris Christie and say "fuck off" to those who feel entitled. This means you government employees, and especially you teachers. Your union is fucked up and if you are smart enough to teach the youth of this nation, then get off of your 9 month work year fat ass and pay for some of your own benefits - just like the rest of us have to do. You ain't special, trust me on this.

Unfortunately there is no easy fix for any of these social, political, human, or financial issues. The logical thing to do is to look at what works, and do that. What has been done over the last 5 or 6 years isn't working, can you hear that? Fucking fix it!

Happy NFL day, and never forget the events of 9/11.

Brown Out?

Sounds like the emptying of a Mexican septic tank - and how ironic it is actually happening in Mexico as well as the US. Orange County, Arizona and yes, that little shit hole to the south of us - Mexico are all experiencing these irritating fucking times of not having power. But why fucking report it? The poor bastards sweating their asses off certainly can't see the news unless they have a generator hooked up to the old Direct TV, and it's not a given that those cats have even paid their satellite bill anyway.

What used to happen in the old days when men were men and women, well men were men? It got hot in Arizona and southern California. Did all the pets die then because of the heat? Did old people drop like buckets of shit due to an infusion of sweat? It all seems so trivial to me.

This is the lead story here in LA - probably because our air conditioners are WORKING. There are the inevitable minority women reporters on TV telling viewers to have over half a tank of fuel in your car - you know just in case. In case of what? If I need to cool down I will head to the beach and that big body of water. What's it called again? Oh yeah, the ocean.

How would you get there if there were no power? Last I checked the heel toe express ran on grub, not gasoline. You can't swing a dead cat in LA without hitting a fucking stolen bicycle chained harmlessly to a park bench - so borrow it. If the human spirit is strong enough, and the brain doesn't fuck it up with the laziness gene, then all will be fine.

This power outtage happens every year when it gets got down here and yet people are still worried about  it. I can't wait for the fires to come and then the rains will wash away the homes some morons just rebuilt on the side of a fucking hill - all while crying to camera crews that they have just lost everything.

That statement alone shows how stupid these people really are. They didn't lose anything, their address just changed to one street west. All of their stupid artwork and whatnot is still inside of the modernistic cement bearing walls they call a house. I heard one lady ask what she was going to feed her kids - really? Because her power went out she couldn't figure out the formula for PBand J - and I'm supposed to feel bad for these fuckers? Uh uh!

I am proposing a new reality show. It's called America has dummies. Ozzy can sit on the board of judges because, well, he is Ozzy. Adam Corolla and the hot chick from Californication could round out the group. The goal would be to find the dumbest "family" on the planet based on their stupid decisions and personal loss. You know, "grandma died because we couldn't open her Ensure without a can opener." Anybody ever heard of twist tops?

If all these other stupid fucking shows keep turning up and maintaining audiences (Billy the exterminator, Hoarders, infants in beauty pageants blah blah blah) - then my show has merit. And besides, where else but Hollywood can you get paid for being stupid.

My bad, I forgot about corporate America and their philosophy of promoting the fucking stupid ones, or failing upwards as I like to call it. You build a house below sea level, it will flood. You build a house on a volcano, it will burn. You build your house on the polar ice caps, Al Gore says they will melt. You live  on the eastern seaboard, welcome to hurricane alley.

My point is this, there is no safe place on this planet. Accept it and quit televising the fucking morons who forgot this, and that life just isn't fair. Have a nice day!!!

The wrong side of Right

Nope, not a direction as that would be left. This here is more about being right in a situation - you know fundamentally correct? And paying a steep fucking price for it. Sound ambiguous? Check this out.

So my buddy has this wife who is a beautiful woman. She is smart and this dude scored so far over his head when he hooked up with her it was almost anatomically wrong. I mean one doesn't want to piss off the gods of hookups, right?

So the story goes my buddy was drinking a cocktail or two in the evening. Now the cat doesn't have a real job and his wife has supported him for the last 3 or 4 months. He would wait until his wife got home, but sometimes she had shit to do after work so he would begin at 6 or 6:30. After all, she would come home most nights and drink 3 or 4 beers. No big deal right?

WRONG!!!

The argument wasn't do as I do, it was do as I say. This cat doesn't do well with orders and ultimatums - in fact I've seen him blow up on women in his past when they tried to lay down the law. He is one of the only people I know who has the gift (or curse) of saying shit that brings people to tears. He can find a weakness and exploit the shit out of it, with everyone except his wife.

He is scared of her. Not like in a physical way, although she has a mean streak in her. No, more in the "I love you so much I don't want to lose you way."

But wait, isn't this a double standard over here? Fuck yes it is but that's not important. Isn't this a little unfair? Shit yes it is, but that doesn't fucking matter.

What matters is the woman is always right. Some of you hard ass fundamentalists will disagree when your wife isn't around, but we all know women run this big fucking rock. In fact I heard in class the other day that some chick wrote a thesis on how men could feasibly be eradicated from the planet so long as they jerked off in a cup just before death.

This is biologically not feasible because the genetic puddle would get so shallow the entire world would look like rural Alabama - no offense Alabama.

If you want to have longevity in your relationship with your wife or girlfriend, she has to be right. Most if not all of the time. Get used to it because if you don't you will be alone - and now you cannot say you haven't been told.

The Campa Saga

My buddy Casey is a tattoo artist, and a fucking good one at that. His work is all over Facebook (Casey Campa) and he just finished doing two tattoos on his sister and her son in memory of their dead Aunt who killed herself yesterday. She left behind two young boys.

The upside, if there is one, is Casey is getting some work as doing ink seems to be feast or famine. His wife, or now ex-wife (they still live together) Bridget also wants to memorialize the passing of this woman with a tattoo on herself - done by Casey.

I was on the phone with Casey today when he was telling me the news about the suicide, along with another friend of ours we grew up with who had shot himself under the chin 13 months ago and lived - albeit without half of his face. It's a fucking tragedy in both cases.

After the initial shock of it all, I got to wondering if Casey can charge his live together ex-wife for her tattoo. There are arguments on either side:

On the one hand they have to co-habitate, dealing with each other on a daily basis and sharing the bills because the economy is so horrible. Casey makes ok money doing tattoo work but not if he does them for free - unless it is his ex-wife. Charging her would be a lesson in futility primarily because the money would go from her hand to his hand to her hand and back in the bank.

Essentially it would probably cost Casey money to charge Bridget for her work in fuel and ATM fees, then the fuel and time to turn around and take it back to the bank.

Granted it is a strange situation but a real one. If he does the work for free the aforementioned costs are avoided and all is as well as it can be at the Campa house. However, Bridget could come to expect that Casey do all of her work for free in perpetuity and therefore he is proper fucked when it comes to her, and her skin.

As far as I know neither one has anyone else in their lives and they both still live under the same roof, although I assume they sleep in separate beds. I know what you are thinking because I am thinking it too - Why be divorced if you are still best friends? Been divorced yet neither has done anything about moving on? I'm sensing some unresolved issues.

The deal they have going is of the worst kind - all the bullshit with none of the benefits. So here is what I propose, not that it makes shit difference to either one of them but it is a potential solution.

Casey will do the tattoo work and take it out in sexual favors when the mood hits him - his time, place and way. I know in Utah it's a sin to screw outside of marriage but I'm pretty sure most of us have fractured that law more than a few times. Oral is a different story altogether, and one that must be negotiated carefully, cautiously - not to be entered into lightly or with doubts. A bad oral experience can ruin a relationship, or so I have heard (that was funny).

The lesson here is be kind to those you love and even kinder to those you don't. People disappoint one another, that is the nature of shit. Bad things happen and people die - it's a part of the process we call life.  We cannot change the inevitable ending we will all ultimately face - we can change what we do with the time we have together and not allow what in reality is not a huge deal to change our paths.

Special Uncle

We all have one. You know that one relative that shows up at every family reunion or party wasted and doing the back stroke in the punch bowl? An inevitable embarrassment to the sane and politically correct, docker wearing, hybrid SUV driving epitome of normalcy rest of the family - this person makes everyone else feel so superior and together. For the most part, I'm guessing they are correct.

When the embarrassing family member is the uncle of the most powerful man on the planet, it is even worse. Reason being a typical DUI picked up by uncle Fester is no big deal unless the family lives in rural America, in which case everybody knows everybody and the case would probably be headline, front page news.

In the case of Obama's uncle, this cat played his one fucking card all wrong.

The story goes Obama's Uncle Onyango was shit faced and driving recklessly in front of a local police official - allegedly forcing the cop and one other motorist to slam on their brakes. This predicates Uncle O to get pulled over and play the "I don't speak english very well" game. He spoke over the officer while a field sobriety test was being administered, tried to outthink and outwit the cop - and the dude is here in this country illegally (allegedly).

Uncle O shares the Obama name and the cop, who must not be all that bright either, didn't even bother to ask this cat about the possibility of a familial tie. I know, it shouldn't matter but I fucking guarantee you it will.

After failing no less than three sobriety tests Uncle O was taken into custody and jailed. Now anybody with half a brain in their head knows once you are inside that cell it takes work and more importantly, CASH to get out. Dude was given an alcohol breath test where he blew a .14. Well done dude! Not bad for a guy who initially told the cops he hadn't had anything to drink - then admitted to one beer - then admitted to two. He obviously had more than two because numbers don't lie.

However, this cat had all the chances in the world to get any of several government agencies involved in his fuckup long before he even blew into that magic machine, and didn't. It wasn't until he was booked and offered his phone call before he let loose with, "I need to call the White House".

Really? That's when you play that card? This guy is probably not the sharpest tool in the shed but if your nephew is the President, I play that shit right off the bat and get the feds involved immediately before officer Ready gets his accolades for busting another third world shitbag who happens to have familial ties to the first family.

If uncle O had done it right I'm thinking the "men in black" would have come to save his sorry ass in their convoy of black SUV's that seemingly come out of nowhere. They would have used their little memory erasers on the locals who wouldn't know the difference between an ink pen and a shovel and nobody would have been the wiser.

Now Uncle O is going to probably get a cabinet appointment as Secretary of Shitheads, and the rest of us will have to suffer looking at this ugly cat for the next 18 months while his nephew continues fucking up the world.

Nice going Uncle O - you just made your nephew look smart!

iDumb

So I began the process of further matriculation today and was waiting outside of the locked classroom door at 7am this morning, for a class that was scheduled to begin at 7:30am. Being the first day of classes there were people scurrying about all over the fucking place and nobody knows where anything is.

The first day at college is fucking chaotic to say the least. Financial aid, books, Id's, adding / dropping classes - it's a shitty proposition at best. Parking is also a joke, but I'm saving that one for another day.

4 of us are sitting outside the classroom door, not saying anything, waiting for someone to show up and let us in.  Meanwhile the other classrooms are filling up with students, lots of students. About 15 minutes roll by before I felt something had to be wrong, and asked the other 3 guys standing there if they were waiting for the same class.

So I get on my phone and call campus information and they verified that yes I was enrolled and that the class had not been moved (as far as she knew). The woman asked me to look for a note on the doors (which there wasn't any) and then said she didn't fucking know. Perfect!

So she puts me on hold and goes to ask someone else why there is no lights, no unlocked door and most importantly no professor. Why is there only 4 of us there when this class holds 40. This prompts me to ask the others to get out their schedules which we had all printed from registration online, and compare.

Yup, same class number, same instructor, same books etc. Then it hits me, we are the dumbest ten percent in the class. Why? Because the fucking class doesn't start until the 19th - of September.

All I can hope for is my professor doesn't read my blog and realize how stupid I was on this day. Cheers!

Drug Dealers vs. Government

It's a sad state of fucking affairs when the drug trade is the LAST true example of capitalism - true capitalism. The business as I understand it runs on supply and demand. Even some of the state governments are trying to get in on the action by legalizing marijuana - at a price.

A "patient" is the legal dope smoker term here in California, and said patient must go to a "doctor" who can prescribe a card allowing the patient to buy from a "dispensary" - which by the way are allowed in some cities and not others.

This was done for the obvious reason that the government hates competition. If some cat growing some kind is knocking back a few pounds every three or four months he can make pretty good money - so long as there is no taxes. So he sells only at street level or to his buddies willing to pay $350 / ounce.

I'm sure Maxine Waters hits the bong regularly, and even her stupid ass can do the math on them there taxes. Instant legalization. At least half the states have realized the inevitability of pot use - if you can't beat em tax em. So that is exactly what they did. And it fucking works, well!

The other "harder" drugs like heroin and speed are being handled at the federal level. The pharmaceutical companies figured out about 15 years ago they could create synthetic heroin in a pill form called Oxycontin, that was easy to use in a variety of forms - swallow them, remove the "time release" coating and crush em up to either snort or inject them, or my personal favorite which I recently learned on Intervention (the show) was smoking them on tin foil. How the fuck do you smoke a pill on tin foil?

Because most drugs which are dolled out by doctors are both dangerous and addictive, they have been prescribing them with relative impunity for years. Hell, there was a doctor I knew about that worked emergency in Utah who had junkies waiting in the parking lot for him to come on shift because they knew he was good for anything they wanted.

When the hospital caught wind of it, and with the medical and ethical issues involved, the doctor went just up the road (literally) and opened up a pain management clinic. Last I heard he was 3 months out for new patients - which is to say the dude is fucking rolling in it.

The pharmaceutical companies can't put three piece suits on street corners with Glocks, so they took the high road and made it legal, and lucrative. I'm guessing heroin dealers will be obsolete in the next 20 years, which isn't saying the problem will go away. It just means that it will become taxable. That's why the FDA doesn't give a shit if these new high powered wanna be heroin drugs hit the market.

There are a ton of people who are addicted to these, and here is the golden parachute for oxycontin and all other opiates like them - methadone. It's supposed to wean addicts off of opiates, but as usual the cure is worse than the disease.

Any way you look at it the pharmaceutical companies are taking in billions, and paying off those in power on the one side, while the same folks who are getting paid off are crying about what an addicted nation we have become. Something must be done, so long as I keep getting paid.

The US government isn't the biggest threat to the middle east heroin trade, Bristol Myers Squib and other pharmaceutical giants are. Wait and see, smack is on the way out.

It's all about dollars, plain and simple. So long as the street dealers are doing their thing then capitalism will still exist. After all, addiction is recession proof.

Have a great weekend, and Maxine Waters........Fuck off please?

Dummies and Hurricanes

Yup it's here again - hurricane season is upon us and what fun it is to watch. Eileen is no exception. It's not like a fucking surprise, it happens every year. EVERY YEAR! So it astounds me as to why the people who live in that region of the world get all tipped over every time another tropical storm / hurricane is reported to be headed for a given area. They have 2 days to fucking leave - so go!

100 years ago the poor fuckers were caught off guard, and the Seminole Indians have been dealing with these things since the beginning of time - without CNN or the Weather Channel and they survived. Perhaps Captain Obama should go to one of the tribal leaders and get some fucking advice that has no agenda behind it?

Shit, that won't happen - it makes too much sense. Nope, the feds will do what they always do. Toss a few warnings, watch the coverage via satellite and issue ATM cards to those who are too fucking stupid to take the necessary precautions, and purchase the insurance one should have when living in that region of the world.

So if you live on the east coast, in the "potential" pathway of the impending hurricane here is a hint - GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! If you choose to stay then duct tape yourself to a tree and videotape your own demise. That will get some serious hits on Youtube, eh?

Weather and natural disasters are inevitable, stupidity and ignorance is not. Ok, well maybe they are but it is fixable. Maybe it's time to thin the herd and deepen the current gene puddle by ridding the world of the weak, stupid, stubborn and ignorant souls? Perhaps this is Darwin's revenge, or just more proof that he was right all along.

Given all of our technology, there is no reason why anyone should even be injured due to this storm. It's not like a fucking volcano or earthquake that has NO warning. I live in LA and I know about it, so no excuses should be accepted for personal injuries or death.

Again, if you live in the potential pathway of the storm Eileen, get the fuck out of the way or count to seven and we will meet you up in heaven - but do the rest of us a solid and videotape it for us. Cheers!

Stupid Dating Service

I saw an ad on TV the other day advertising a "Black Only" online dating service. In fact I think I was either watching Intervention or Celebrity Rehab - either way an interesting time slot to plug your company. It did however get me to thinking, why is there a need for "black people only" dating website?

I came to very few conclusions but here they are:

I have several friends, some of which are black. I don't think of them as black, I think of them as regular fucked up as the rest of us people. I disagree with the use of the "n" word - in the sense that it is politically correct for one black person to refer to another black person in that sense, but God forbid anybody else, not of color do it. That is a crock of shit, and needs to either be mutually accepted by all or cut out of the verbiage altogether.

If you ask a scientist if black is a color they will tell you "nope". So why call a website a "black only" website if it isn't a color at all? If it refers to a culture, then anyone south of the Mason Dixon line can join, regardless of their race, creed, color or the amount of teeth in their jowls.

Are black people colorblind and unable to delineate between a large white woman with good credit and a black woman? I'm going to go ahead and say no. Which leads to only one conclusion. There are some black folk who do not wish to integrate with any other race - and I thought that fucking issue went to bed with Rosa Parks. My bad.

What do you think would happen if a "white only" dating service was developed? The ACLU, Jesse Jackson and Maxine Waters would all over that shit like chicken at a picnic.

What if it went a step further and a "white supremacist" website popped up during the CBS evening news? There would be a fucking national outcry and a freeway named after the first guy to complain, or get shot.

I'm not racist, I think every race, religion and creed has its' fair share of assholes and fuckos. That said, they all have some of the finest minds, work ethic and morals as well. I dislike assholes, not colors. Oh yeah, stupid people too.

Let's not regress as a country in the name of the almighty dollar, or some secular vision that was hatched in a delusional state. If you want to date a person of color feel free. Just don't get caught being white on a "black only" sight.

Fuck the Studies

Fuck it. Why be a writer having to create or regale stories for the entertainment of people, most of whom I don't even fucking know? I decided I want to be one of those "scientists" that does these bullshit fucking studies which are debated on stupid talk shows.

And why not? Most if not all are government funded which means some fat kid with a somewhat compelling postulate can go to the head of some "prestigious" university and say "hey dude, lets study the effects of bleach exposure to the whooping crane".  And some shit head, self indulgent, egomaniacal assfuck of a professor will say, "fuck Dudley, good idea".

So the paperwork is set into motion and boom, the study begins - and to what fucking end? Are folks going to stop using bleach where the Whooping Crane is indigenous? I'm going to go ahead and say no. So tell me what the fucking point is??

I saw a report on salt, you know that element the body cannot live without? Too much has for years been  linked to heart disease and strokes. Now, Dudley's twin (metaphorically) brother has done a study and found that people who don't regulate their sodium intake are 56% less likely to suffer from the aforementioned conditions.

Now, having been an engineer for the past 20 years I know a thing or two about data presentation. I also have a background in DOE (design of experiments) and had to suffer working with tunnel visioned PhD's in a laboratory setting. These fuckers may be able to solve or create extensive quadratic equations but they can't assemble a peanut butter sandwich. Common sense is relative to ones own environment, but come on? How hard is it to put peanut butter on a slice of bread and then cover it with another piece of, well, you know, bread? But you expect the general public to believe their bullshit data, when another study will appear 6 months later stating the contrary.

I was in Starbucks waiting inline because California has an issue with drive thru coffee joints, and noticed a new sign on the wall saying that somehow some "Dudley" of the world has decided that during the processing of the beans a carcinogen is produced making coffee not entirely safe. Really? Who wants to live forever? If a cup of Starbucks is going to kill me then God please take me now.

High Fructose Corn syrup is my favorite though, primarily because it tastes like shit. Cereal was good when I was a kid, and after tasting a bowl of Trix with this new sweetner in it I almost vomited. Coca Cola is the best example, and I will spend twice the cash to buy the Mexican bottles of coke made with real sugar. Shit, even Pepsi has caught on to the fact that corn syrup sucks and have gone back to making American cans with real sugar called Throwback Pepsi.

All these studies and the FDA won't or can't force the cigarette companies to print bilingually that their product will cause cancer in more than lab rats? What good are they?

They are all full of shit so decide for yourself America and say a big Fuck You to all of the studies that come out claiming things are either good or bad for you. You decide!

Shrimp and Roofies

There is a somewhat infamous little restaurant / bar in Southern California where the food is 5 star quality, and the drinks are reasonably priced. I think a former mayor may own it, but that isn't important right now.

One night my girl and I decided to patronize this place as we were told they served some of the best steaks in town. The place is small, very small and is split between the bar area and the formal dining room. It is absolutely a locals hangout, as I can't imagine how a tourist would be enamored by the exterior of this place.

So we park and go in. Now, I have been in 100s of bars and liquor joints during my tenure on this planet but this place was fucking small. It appeared to be full with 11 people in it, although we did find room at the very end of the bar which curved around and was so close to the wall the two people sitting on the inside had to have the two towards the outside get up if they had to use the bathroom - which I found out happens a lot there.

We happened to take the two seats at the bar next to the two on the inside. Sitting on the inside was a nice middle aged couple who were obviously regulars at this place - because everybody knew their names and came to greet them upon arrival. The man, who I will call Bill kept having to get up and pee. Perhaps he was diabetic or had some other medical condition?

So we are chatting with Bill and his wife and decide to eat at the bar instead of waiting for one of the 12 tables in the dining area. I ordered the shrimp cocktail and a salad while the wife got a steak. She never eats all of hers so I knew I could get some of her kibble anyway.

Time goes by and we are drinking and enjoying meaningless smalltalk, as much as anyone possibly can - but it was not uncomfortable. Bill kept going into the bathroom, but I didn't want to pry and make shit awkward.

After a few Vodka rocks and Cokes I too had to pee. I walked into the bathroom and right behind me was Bill. Now picture a restroom which rivals that of a truck stop in Mexico - one urinal and one shitter, with no door. The shitter had no door. To make things worse the urinal is right in front of the shitter. In other words some one who was dropping a grumpy had to stare at the ass of whomever showed up to pee.

The other thing I found odd about this place was that the urinal was filled with ice. I was told it kept the piss smell down, but why the fuck would a third world shit house like this be concerned with the smell of piss when there had to be toxic spores and fungi in every crevice in that place? I would soon find out.

Upon entering the bathroom, which by the way has no exterior door from the bar, I immediately went to the urinal and did my business. Pissing on ice is awesome, let me tell you. You could eat asparagus every day of your life while taking antibiotics and never know it by the smell of your urine. It was neato.

Then when I'm done, I'm doing up my pants and Bill slides up next to me and says, "hey man, want a bump"? I haven't heard that since my bar music days. A bump of what"

I had to ask because in this day and age it could have been anything.

Cocaine Bill says. I got some really good shit, and like a typical small time, part time, dealer he was willing to let me have a taste for free. Not having done any coke since the late nineties, I said sure, why not?

So Bill proceeds to lay a line the size of Tibet across the top of the urinal. He said he would stand guard at the door and handed me a dollar bill rolled up.

Now I'm all about letting folks do what they want so long as they are not hurting anyone, but snorting coke from the top of the urinal was fucking questionable at best. I told bill there had to be a better option and he replies with, "that's why I have them keep the ice in there, no splashing".

Whatever, so I snorted the line and it was mediocre at best.

Then I returned to the bar with Bill to join our wives. Apparently Bill's wife had a similar conversation with my wife about a "bump". My wife is not a prude but is not into hard drugs, ever. She was polite and declined.

So dinner was served and being so close to Bill and his wife I heard all of his cell phone traffic and conversations he had with the bartender - who was definitely in on the game. Upon our return to the bar the bartender dashed into the bathroom and came out 30 seconds later, smiling and yakking a mile a minute.

After dinner I had to go outside to take a phone call, as it was too noisy in the bar. Apparently my girl  had to use the restroom while I was out and my drink was left unprotected. I'm guessing that is when it happened - I was roofied.

For those of you who don't know what a roofie is allow me to explain it to you. It is a small pill that wipes your consciousness yet leaves your subconscious working, and in my case with the cocaine I had ingested, on overtime.

My wife is very sensitive to the energy people have and when we were done with dinner couldn't wait to get out of there. Something on her female radar just wasn't right.

We exchanged phone numbers with our new found friends, and politely left. When we got home things were a blur, and then I remember nothing.

We went to bed around midnight and by two in the morning I was awoken, sitting upright chewing my toenails, by my wife wanting to know what the fuck I was doing. I became conscious with a toe in my mouth, so what was I supposed to say?

I told her I needed some water and got up semi conscious at this point. I remember walking into the kitchen and getting into the fridge for some liquid. After that I am blank until the next morning.

The following morning we both laughed about the toenail thing, and how I haven't done that since I was a kid. We got up and I made breakfast while the wife paid some bills online.

No sooner than I had breakfast on the table I hear my wife in that tone no man ever wants to hear from a woman - fucking ever. That tone that says "fucker you are dead".

She asked me "who the fuck were you calling at 3am this morning"? I told her nobody, and I meant it. There are times when we as men are straight up caught and have to take the wrath of the crucifiction (metaphorically) from our spouses, but I was telling the truth. I was in bed at 3am.

"Not according to AT&T you weren't. Who do these phone numbers belong to"? As she read the numbers they were friends from Utah, Nevada and Oregon. All were innocent except the one that I spent 40 minutes on the phone with - my ex from 10 years earlier. How the fuck did that happen?

I still protested and was getting pissed off how my wife could question my word - but she had technology on her side.

So I called my ex and put her on speaker phone, surely to be vindicated. NOPE!

The ex answered and very politely explained the conversation we had wherein we spoke of my happiness and relationship with my wife. From the questions I was asking my wife was convinced I had seriously not remembered any of this, and therefore only paid a small penalty.

So be wary of kind strangers in little shit bars where the urinal has ice in it and the shrimp cocktail kicks ass.

Blinker Fluid

I run 5 or 6 days a week. We are fortunate to have a running path within a block of our house that goes 2 miles in one direction and 1 mile in another direction. They are convenient because cars have to stop for you, unless you are at a major intersection / cross street. Then it can take a few minutes to cross, unless you "jaywalk", which I have been told in Burbank will get you a ticket - a big one.

Personally I have never seen anybody get one so to me it is an urban legend - until I get one.

But running the same path everyday is like running on my treadmill. It gets the job done but is boring and monotonous at best.

One day I took my daughter to the zoo and noticed an equestrian trail that runs next to the 5 freeway. Because it is an actual horse trail it is dirt, which is groomed daily. It has up and down hill grades which are not too extreme for the 20 mile a week runner which I am. There are trees and a large part of the trail borders a golf course which makes for a serene and entertaining environment simultaneously.

In other words I can be cruising along being one with nature and all, while some hack is throwing and breaking his golf clubs. For some reason this works for me - it takes my mind off the rythm of running, but in a good entertaining way,

So I'm making my way over to the park, which borders the trail around 4:30 Wednesday. I'm heading north on the access road and the park is on my left. I have my windows down, a cool breeze is blowing through my car and the tunes are going - it's a great fucking day.

As I approach the entrance to the parking area, which is not all that big, I see a woman in a piece of shit Sentra who doesn't have a blinker turned on, but because of the direction of her car at the entrance wants to pull out and go north as well.

I could tell she hesitated too long and would now have to wait for me to pull in before she could proceed. I also failed to use my blinker. This pissed her off, because as I pulled into the park entrance from the street her window was down and her mouth was moving. Axl was talking to me through my CD player and he is much more compelling to listen to than some random skank in piece of shit car who wants to verbally express herself to me - regardless of the subject matter.

Nonetheless, I turned Axl down and stopped right next to her, her mouth going a million miles per hour and I could tell by the look on her face she was not a happy camper. The conversation went something like this:

Crazy Bitch: How the fuck am I supposed to know you are turning left?

Me: My blinker (which as I stated before wasn't on)

Crazy Bitch: Your fucking blinker wasn't on.

Me: I am aware of that.

Crazy Bitch: Why didn't you have your turn signal on? I could have hit you.

This bitch was so fucking pissed off and one of my faults is assisting others in pissing themselves off.

Me: I am low on blinker fluid.

Crazy Bitch: That's your excuse? Your fluid is low? Isn't that irresponsible? Isn't that a part of being a safe driver? I carry extra fluid in my trunk, in fact I probably have some blinker fluid back there.

Me: Yup, thats all I got.

Crazy Bitch: You need to get to the store and get some before someone gets hurt.

Me: Thank you for reminding me of that. I will as soon as I'm done.

Crazy Bitch: You know it's stupid people like you that cause accidents....

Me: Me being low on blinker fluid makes me stupid?

Crazy Bitch: I'm just saying that I was going to pull out and would have hit you.

Me: Which would have sucked, and fucked up my afternoon of running, and also would have been your fault.

Crazy Bitch: My fault? Your blinker fluid is low. That's your fault.

Me: But because you are entering the roadway, you are forced to yield the right of way to cars which are already in the thoroughfare.

By this time there was another car behind her wanting to leave, which caused our heated exchange to come to a sudden end. As she pulled away she had some parting words for me:

Crazy Bitch: Get some fucking blinker fluid, asshole!

Once she was gone I was finally able to let myself laugh. Blinker fluid, really? And I'm the stupid one.

Parking Nazi's

Most of you probably don't live in Burbank, California. If you do then you no doubt are abundantly aware of the parking Nazi's that patrol this town with an iron fist. I'm not referring to the parking meter folks, although I'm not sure how to delineate between them as they all drive these Jeep's, but the officers who are assigned to the residential areas.

These cats cruise the neighborhoods looking to give out $45 parking tickets. Why you ask would someone in a residential area get a $45 parking ticket in front of their own abode? Allow me to retort.

You see, in this fine city, which is a lot like Texas in the sense that it is physically located in Los Angeles county but doesn't consider itself a part of LA - as Texas is part of the US but wants to succeed.

So every Tuesday and Wednesday in our part of the world the streets are swept, or at least the sides of the streets are swept by this huge beast of a truck that is essentially a buffer on wheels. The East side on Wednesday's and the west side on Thursday's from 10am - 12pm.

Why it takes two hours to drive up the street is fucking beyond me. I'm guessing that the logistical ability of these fuckers is comparable to all utility people - they need a window. I'm thinking it needs to be a 5 story window and the drivers need to jump out of it.

So we have a neighbor who just moved here from Colorado, and doesn't really know anyone here. He is a quiet Zen-Budhist who for the most part keeps to himself. We talk on occasion and he is a nice guy. He also didn't read the signs.

Now in his defense the signs are placed about every third or fourth house which state no parking between the specified hours. Having out of state plates when I first moved in to Burbank I had the pleasure of dealing with these assholes on one occasion when the midget officer who needed a step stool to place the ticket on my windshield showed up - and placed a ticket on my windshield.

I received the ticket at exactly 10:02am - two fucking minutes after the "ban". I saw her writing the ticket and ran out to plead my case. This is how I know that these folks are Nazi's because they have selective hearing. I think the only word this woman heard me say to her, and I talked a lot, was cocksucker. Probably not my best move because these fucking Nazi's are a part of the Burbank police department.

Oh well, I already had the ticket and a prompt 15 days to pay it. I was so pissed off it took me a few days to properly think things through.

When I was working in Texas (consulting) I drove my car down from Utah, which obviously had Utah plates on it. I was in the Dallas metro area and they love them some toll roads down there.

When going through the toll road stations, you either have a card which is read and charged to your credit card, or you slow down and throw some coins in the bin and that buys you clearance. If you choose to go through the "card" lane at full speed the camera takes a photo of the back of your car.

I'm from fucking Utah, what the hell do I care if they have pictures of my car. Utah doesn't give a hot fuck about tollway violations in Texas. So for the better part of 8 months I abused the Texas tollways every chance I got. No problems.

So after receiving my parking ticket with my Utah plates in Burbank, I applied the same logic. What can they possibly do to me?

So I go to register my car at the DMV to get my California plates, which are ugly as fuck, and thought oh shit. I'm going to get hit with this monster $300 "you didn't pay the fine so you are going to pay it now" bill.

Nope. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, the big donut hole. Apparently the state DMV is not a collection agency for the fine city of Burbank. No harm, no foul.

So two days ago when I tried to intervene on the part of my new neighbor who also received a parking ticket at 10:02, the parking Nazi said to fuck right off. He had already printed it out and couldn't "take it back". He said if only I had asked him a nanosecond before he would have not issues it. What a crock of civil servant shit.

Nonetheless I thought about my own experience, and passed it along to my neighbor. "Don't pay the ticket" I told him. I regaled him with my story and told him there was nothing to worry about. They can't take away your birthday, Christmas or commence any punishment.

 It almost makes me want to keep my cars registered in Nevada, and get weekly tickets just to see that midget have to climb out of her fucking jeep, and climb back in.

Costco on Saturday

We had to head to Costco to not only get some food, but I needed another pair of glasses because of the night of the No HO HO. They were left on the sidewalk when the girls were eating cake off the sidewalk.

So we waited in line to get a cart and this 20 something foreign chick tries to cut in front of us. I grabbed the cart and gave her a shitty look, then we walked in the store.

This bitch must have been in a hurry because she ran into the back of my foot twice with her cart. The first time I let it go because there was so much traffic in front of us. In other words I couldn't go any faster without mowing over a blue hair couple.

The second time she hit my leg it actually hurt, like she did it on purpose. So I turned around and said "really"? That's when it all started. She promptly told me to get the fuck out of her way. So now I'm pissed - some illegal telling me to get the fuck out of her way and being disrespectful in front of all of these old people.

I asked her where the fuck she would like me to go, and she said "fucking move".

So we proceeded onward when out of nowhere a woman with crazy eyes - you know the kind that looks like she has been smoking meth for a month and the whites of her eyes are way bigger than the iris. She looks like the shit had permanently been scared out of her.

I can only assume this was the ugly girls momma, and momma went old testament on me screaming at me in multiple languages while a huge crowd stood around us. I was already mad and told the lady to get the fuck out of my face, Still she continued to berate me in her hybrid english / arabic psychobabble.

Finally, a Costco male employee showed up and I told him this crazy woman won't shut up and leave us alone. She tried to tell him that I had pushed her daughter and assaulted her. He looked around at the crowd that had followed the entire medley, and I reminded him that all was on video and we could go watch it and she would probably go to jail as a result.

The employee looked at the crazy eyed woman and told her that she cannot attack other customers. So we walk towards the pharmacy and as we are leaving I hear the young ugly bitch say "fuck you, cracker".

Cracker? What the fuck does that even mean? Is that some sort of insult, and if so it would help if she used insults I could comprehend. But whatever, they went one direction we went to the pharmacy to drop off a prescription to fill while we shopped. Costco is a big place, and busy as hell on Saturday, but that little voice in my head told me this was far from over.

We dropped the script off and was told it would take 30 minutes to fill. We had shopping to do anyways so on we went. Walking up and down the isles because we had no list, and were out of pretty much everything all was going fine - until we got to the "store" end of the first frozen food isle. There she was,  the 20 something smartass calling me "cracker".

I stared her down as I walked by and my girl told me to just leave it alone. Just as I turn around from hearing that, here comes the crazy eyed bitch - yelling and screaming at me. My girl told the smart ass bitch to shut up and leave it alone. Then the 20 year old told my girl to fuck off. All this time the geriatric crazy eyed lady was back yelling at me in her hybrid psychobabble.

By this time a huge crowd had assembled. My girl is ready to kill this 20 something smart ass, but holds her tongue. I can't, I'm just not made that way. While this old bitch is screaming that I am scaring her daughter I am pushing my cart through the crowd that was watching the entire event unfold - away from both of them.

Then, my girl can't hold it anymore. She goes up to the 20 something and tells her to shut the fuck up. I was so proud of her - a woman defending her man. This went on for two isles while I pushed my cart away from this crazy fucking bitch. I'm ready to pick up grandma and toss her into the freezer to cool off. She was fucking insane.

Finally, a few Costco employees showed up and I'm assuming they talked to some of the onlookers and knew we had done nothing but tell them to fuck off.

"You are scaring my daughter" this cockeyed bitch was screaming at me, while I am pushing my cart away from her telling her "you fucking scare me< you crazy fucking bitch". All the while the 20 something is yelling calling us "crackers" - whatever that means.

We finally got to the corner and made our way away from these two psycho women. We continued our shopping and went to the checkout line, where I scanned the coffee and went to the coffee bean grinding machine to grind my beans. Last time I forgot to grind them and because my girl hates coffee using the food processor no longer an option.

The grinding station has two grinders and an older couple arrived about the same time I did. They had apparently witnessed at least one of the episodes with these foreign fucking heretics and the woman commended me on my behavior. Her husband said he would have put the cock eyed bitch through the wall, and could have gotten away with it because of his age.

He said I was too young and in shape to be hitting old, cock-eyed women without going to jail. I agreed. As a veteran he then thanked me for making the comment "go the fuck back to your newly liberated country" I made to this woman during the second exchange.  Apparently I wasn't the only person who had an issue with these fucking asshole immigrants.

Can anyone tell me what "cracker" means?

Smoking Chief

I just recently found out that the president smokes - cigarettes. Am I just oblivious to the daily happenings of the world and its' most powerful man? Or is it more a matter of I don't give a fuck?

The presidents' PR people must be fucking phenomenal when it comes to keeping that shit quiet. I wonder if there is one secret service agent who is rolling at all times with a pack of Newports and no less than 2 Zippo's?

How many TMZ reporters /camera hacks have been water boarded into giving up their video of the Commander in Chief dragging down 2 packs a day? Harvey Levin probably has a direct line to the white house and gets a sick pay day each time Obama flames up in public.

It would make sense, given tobacco is a gateway substance that Barry is hitting the bong too. And not just any bong, but some solid gold number with his stoned smiling face engraved into the base - probably a gift from the Saudi's along with a huge bindle of their kindest opium for those really hard days when he can't be on the golf course and is actively fucking up the economy.

I also wonder how much a photo of the leader of the free world dragging a dugan and sucking down a 40 out of a brown paper bag is worth? I'll bet the Secret Service has a budget in excess of 5 million to try to maintain this secret - most of which goes to Harvey Levin.

Didn't the first lady initiate a program to keep school kids from getting fat? A program that would keep kids off junk food as well as getting them off of their fat asses to go out and play instead of surfing the net for porn? How's that working out?

All she had to do was teach these fat bastards how to smoke - I mean if it is good enough for the leader of the free world it should be good enough for them, right?

And not the killer kind ganja, oh no - that would be wrong. How would you fit a bong in one of those school lunch bags anyway?  Besides that it would just make them hungry and crave video games. Nope, school kids must stick to smokes, diet cokes, red bulls and interweb porn.

Smoking is not a crime or a sin, unless you are Mormon. If you are going to smoke, smoke. If not quit - but if you will hide a habit as benign as tobacco use, what else is this cat doing behind the oval office doors?

How to find a lost drunk friend - in Vegas

There is no doubt most of us have had to deal with fucked up people before. Not the multiple personality, Sybil kind of fucked up - the drunk person who drank themselves retarded, and then turned left and headed straight to unconsciousness. That passed out state where the spins fail to make you sick.

Most of you have probably been that person at one point or another.

We all know that one guy who, once wasted, becomes Mr. Unpredictable. I know a guy in Vegas who is the nicest, sweetest most big hearted dude you could know - until he gets drunk. This dude who I will call Nick has a destination between wasted and passed out - Blackout.

Nick has lost his car before. He has been woken up by sprinklers in the early morning. He has been thrown in jail and when he called his buddy to get him out, he had no idea why he was there.

Nick's friends have physically lost him before - literally. As in where the fuck did this dude go? His car is in the parking lot, he isn't home. Maybe he took off with some girl? Nope. Nick, for some unknown reason began to meander toward where he used to live and passed out on the sidewalk. His friends found him face down on their way home (lucky for Nick they all live relatively close together).

We had a similar experience this last weekend in Vegas.

Our buddy Aaron was with us at the bar, and had hooked up with one of his buddies who he grew up with in Lancaster, California. His friend had moved to Vegas and thanks to Facebook, everybody knew we were in town.

Toward the end of the night Aaron had told a friend of mine he was going to go drink more, which he couldn't possibly do, at another bar with his friend. Then, he was gone. No bye, see ya, fuck you - nothing.

When we got home a half hour or so later, Aaron's friend's car was in front of Steph's house. There is no parking on the street overnight in Steph's neighborhood - so the car stuck out.

We went into the house and found Aaron's buddy ready to leave. When asked where Aaron was he just shrugged and said he walked out the front door a while ago.

I had to ask why - and was told my daughter and her friend who had come into town to see us were awoken by Aaron and his buddy when they showed up at the house (Aaron was beyond wasted).

Anybody who knows Aaron knows he is a huge Dodger fan. Aaron had a Dodger t-shirt on this night and my daughter, along with her friend talked so much shit to Aaron about the Dodgers, even though neither one of them follow baseball, that Aaron left.

Aaron came over to Vegas with me, in my car so he couldn't drive anywhere. His buddy was still at the house, so wherever Aaron went he walked.

My wife Candi knew how to locate Aaron. She knew he was wasted and passed out somewhere. Candi also knows that Aaron snores like a freight train - especially when he is wasted.

So while Steph and I are flipping out throwing our shoes on and grabbing our phones, Candi goes outside the courtyard of Steph's house and walks out to the sidewalk - and listens. Listens for the unmistakeable sound of Aaron snoring.

It takes her all of 3 seconds to hear him, and hone in on him passed out at the top of the driveway next door. Aaron is cuddled up against a Michelin tire on an SUV - and half of his body is underneath the front bumper.

Candi told me to get my camera and get some video, as Aaron was semi conscious but didn't want to move. I got my camera, and then the keys to the SUV to turn on the headlights so I could record the experience.

Out of respect for Aaron I will not post the video. I will say that Aaron may be the funniest hammered guy ever, in the history of guys getting hammered. It took me 45 minutes to get him to agree to go into the house, the entire time he is laying on the concrete.

I figured, because Aaron is a big man that Steph would have to help me get him inside. I was so wrong. Once dude decided to get up, he let go of that tire and got up and walked like he was totally sober.

Let this be a lesson to those of you who find yourselves in the position of seeking out a lost guy who is shit faced. Listen for the sound of drunk snoring!

The perils of the Shell - Part 1

When we go to Vegas we don't go to the strip. We don't gamble and we don't do the tourist thing. Why? Mainly because I lived there for a few years, and nobody I know likes to gamble. Football sportsbetting during the playoffs is fun making 5 dollar cards and hoping for an opening touchdown during the kickoff.

Nonetheless, we go to Vegas to visit my best friend Stephan and visit a locals only (almost) restaurant and bar. The food is second to only the 5 star places on the strip, and you don't have to deal with anyone obnoxious. In the 5 years I have patronized this establishment, I have never seen a fight or physical altercation. The staff is amazing and the place has a Cheers atmosphere, with a bartender named Jared who is a modern day Sam Malone.

Jared has become a great friend and we hang out with him on his houseboat occasionally. Steph is there at least once a week and everybody knows him, and for the most part, me by name.

Vegas bars NEVER close so you can imagine how hammered people can get there. We were no different. I have never been to Vegas (Half Shell is the bar) and not walked out of there normal, EVER. We have walked home, called cabs, caught rides with friends - never have I been stranded there.

My wife is beautiful, and all the dudes were looking but all were courteous to both her and her BFF Crystal. We had a tab going each night, but got in kind of late Friday at 11PM and left the bar at 3. Nothing really unusual happened.

But, Saturday was a different story. We knew where we were going and what our goal was - to get shit faced. The two day hangover, I hate my fucking life kind of shit faced. The kind of shit faced where you swear off drinking for at least a month, and follow through with it.

So Stephan, Aaron, Candi, Crystal and myself are sitting at the bar chugging vodka and red bulls every 3 minutes. Aaron is a big man, I weigh 200 pounds and Steph is 195. We drank two bottles of Jagermeister, two liters of Grey Goose and several exotic drinks designed by Jared to empty your guts. Needless to say we were hammered. Oh did I mention the case of Corona's we killed too?

Aaron caught up with one of his buddies who lives in Vegas, and was so drunk forgot to say goodbye, at least to me. He just disappeared telling Steph and Crystal they were headed to another bar. Aaron needed NO more booze.

So Candi, Steph, Crystal and myself left to drive home. Yes, I know Steph shouldn't have been driving - but I am not law enforcement and he has never had a DUI. I'm guessing he knows when he is out of control. I was wrong.

We piled in his Suburban and got halfway home (which is only 2 miles from the bar) when Vrystal discovered she had left her phone on the bar. Steph called Jared and it was still there, so we turned around and headed back. Being the gentlemen we are we walked up the back stairs while the girls stayed in the truck. Steph left it running because even at 2:30am in Vegas it is still 103 degrees.

We said thank you to Jared and grabbed the phone while making our way back to the stairs. At the top of the stairs I noticed something wrong, very wrong. It took Steph a few steps to figure it out - the Suburban was gone. Now the parking lot to Half Shell shares a parking lot with a strip mall which houses another bar.

After a few minutes of looking Steph saw his headlights on halfway across the parking lot. Score, we found it. Crystal is doing the splits on the hood and Candi is taking pictures of her. Both are laughing so hard we could hear them from 100 yards away.

So Steph and I run toward the truck and Crystal decides to get into the truck and play that stupid game where you get to the door, and the driver moves the truck forward 5 feet. Then, Crystal tells us to get in again and we both fall for the same shit again. Meanwhile, Candi is 50 feet away taking pictures and laughing her ass off. I knew this was going to go bad,so I pulled out my camera and let Steph play the stupid game with Crystal alone.

After another 4 or 5 tries to get into his truck, Steph jumps on the hood and Crystal takes off. Candi and I are laughing so hard we can't get our cameras to work. Steph is holding onto the windshield wipers and climbs his was up to the luggage rack - I assume to maintain a better grip.

Crystal was doing at least 30 MPH in this parking lot making random turns and hitting the brakes. She wasn't trying to hurt him, but when you are as drunk as we were, roof surfing in a parking lot (empty) is funny as hell.

After I caught my breath I was able to capture two minutes of video of this chaos. The lights at night are shitty so the quality is not worth posting. Actually, I have to ask those involved if it is ok, and I am in the process of doing that.

Steph never fell off and Candi almost tossed her cookies laughing so hard. We finally got in the truck and headed home - where we found Aaron, my daughter, her friend and his buddy. All I am going to say  in todays edition is that Aaron came as close to humping a tire as anyone I have ever seen. More on that and Aaron's inebriated dribble tomorrow.

Never leave Vegas on a Sunday - EVER!

We went to Vegas for the weekend. Having lived in Vegas and commuting back and forth to LA I have made the drive several hundred times. I have made the mistake of leaving Vegas on a Sunday afternoon and having it take 8 hours to get back, which includes the irritation of the 210. Nothing I have ever experienced even comes close to the chaos that was last nights journey.

We have made the trip enough times to know NOT to leave during the core daytime hours. From 9am - 6pm the drive is a joke. Too many  people, too many accidents and not enough rest area attendants to clean up the terrible aim  hung over (male) tourists develop during their stay.

So we leave around 7pm. The weather had started to cool and based on my experience traffic would not be a problem. It wasn't a holiday weekend, the Superbowl or any other occasion  which would create a shitty drive home. I was so wrong.

The traffic began to slow toward the top of the first pass once you hit California. Typically if traffic is going to fucking suck it begins before the state line is even crossed. Not this time.

My wife and her girlfriend had left about 10 minutes before Aaron and myself. Aaron was still drunk, or exceptionally hung over from the night(s) before - and he was content to sit back and sleep, or rest his eyes as he put it.

Toward the top of the hill traffic slowed to 25 or 30 mph - which when you are clicking along at 85 or 90 is crawling. Because my wife was ahead of us I decided to put in a call and find out what the hell was causing the delay - and how long it would last.

Si I called, and the wife said they were in it too - traffic was crawling at this point and at times we were literally stopped for 30 to 60 seconds on the freeway. Completely fucking stopped. I had bought and consumed a Red Bull to maintain my senses when we gassed up to leave.That magic elixir of salt, caffeine, taurine and bubbles makes its' way through me life the bullet train.

Having said that it is not uncommon for me (when alone) to travel between LA and Vegas without stopping. Maybe it's a little game I play with myself? Perhaps a test in discipline? Whatever it is I have never had to pee so bad my bladder hurt.

The stop and go shit kept up for another 25 or so miles and then traffic resumed 65 mph. Not exactly breaking any laws but clicking along ok. And it remained ok until we passed the rest area. Then, it fucking stopped again.

The traffic would come to a complete stop, stay stopped for a while and then begin to creep along at maybe 5mph. I had to pee so bad my bladder hurt. My bladder has NEVER hurt and it was hurting. I kept telling myself I could make it to the next rest stop, and on we went.

Because Aaron was so wrecked from the weekend (resting his eyes) he wasn't in the talking mode. I needed to be distracted from my bladder which I thought was going to rupture so music was out of the question. I needed some sports talk radio.

I turned the radio on and began to look for a station. It was dark by this point and AM radio works much better when it isn't fighting with the sun. I kept pushing the seek button and when I would get a station to tune in, there would be a fucking commercial. I would wait for the commercial to get over to find out it was Mexican blues radio hour, or some asshole reading childrens stories, or whatever.

I kept looking, scanning the radio and Aaron hasn't said shit to me. I was fairly focused on driving and distracting myself from the pain in my groin I didn't see Aaron on his phone. Apparently he felt compelled to complain about my radio station button pushing on Facebook.

So my phone rings and it's my wife and she tells me, "Aaron is sick of you pushing the radio station buttons - it's driving him crazy". I hung up the phone with her and looked over at him resting his eyes. "What the fuck is that about" I asked him? He starts laughing and says "what"? You have to put on Facebook you are being driven crazy instead of telling me who is sitting right next to you - especially because I am the one with happy fingers looking for a fucking radio station to take my mind off my bladder which had reached the critical zone? He just laughs.

Meanwhile between the stop and go other drivers are beginning to realize the effects of too many cars in one place. Families are pulling over into the emergency lane / median / shoulder and running into the desert, having to relieve themselves. Several dudes didn't even care that they were in plain sight right next to their car letting the urine fly.

Other cars with obviously extra important people in them were racing up the median / shoulder at 40 or 50 mph (while the rest of us in the road were either crawling os completely fucking stopped) only to find them selves slamming on their brakes because some guy parked his car on the median to pee. The super, extra important folks were now forced to get back into regular traffic because they could go no further in the emergency lane. Now the fun starts.

All of the people who had been passed by these super important assholes have a decent memory, and were NOT letting the E-Lane fuckers back in. I heard screaming and yelling and what I thought was a guy get out of his car and start beating on the window of the guy in front of him - for what I don't know.

After seeing all of these people relieving themselves on the side of the road I decided to pull off at the next exit, get to the top of the ramp, get back on the downhill ramp and then pull over to pee. It was a fucking eternity til the next exit. Oh sure the sign said it was 8 miles, but when I'm averaging MAYBE 4 miles an hour that is 2 hours - unacceptable.

I am still looking for sports talk radio, for that matter any talk radio station to distract me from the immense pain coming from  my bladder. Finally, a station comes in. A medical "call in and ask the doctor" show. Anything was better than nothing. Anything was better than having to drive by dudes pissing on the side of the road and coveting their relief. The only thing worse would have been if it started to rain, or so I thought.

The radio show, now back from commercial had the doctor host inviting folks to call in and discuss their medical problems with him. The first call I hear this fucker take is from the mother of a bedwetting child.  I was wrong, this was worse than rain.

Finally my exit came and I sped down the shoulder at 75 mph, passing cars like they were standing still - because, they pretty much were. I get to the top of the ramp and proceed over the highway to the on ramp and what do I see? Two cops having a conference. There were some 18 wheeler trucks parked there as well, but the cops watched me pull up, get out of the car and pee.

I had shut the headlights off (courtesy thing) and have never urinated for so long, ever. It was a good 30 seconds before I noticed how hard the wind was blowing in my face. It then took about 10 more seconds before I realized the wind was causing me to piss on my feet, flip flops and all. But when you have to pee that bad, you just don't give a hot fuck what you are pissing on, so long as you are pissing.

The cops must have understood because I stood there a good two and a half minutes emptying my bladder, and they didn't spot light me or harass me or cite me. I'm pretty sure they noticed which way the wind was blowing, and it was blowing hard, and that was probably entertainment enough for them.

Once I had relieved myself (which was very close to a religious experience) I jumped back in the car with a new determination to make it home. Traffic was so slow that when I merged back into traffic I was behind the same car I was when I exited to pee.

The wife and I keep texting back and forth with her giving me updates on why the traffic is so bad. We had seen cops with their little lights on cruising up the left hand median so I am expecting at some point to see a full on, multiple fatality, body parts across the highway, jaws of life trying to separate what used to be two cars - and all the wife kept telling me was there was nothing.

How could nothing cause all of this chaos? There were people who just said "fuck it" and pulled off the freeway into the desert and slept in their cars. Little kids were running around these parked cars in the wind probably trying not to piss on themselves. Something was causing this - but the wife reported nothing back.

We figured out we were only about 5 miles behind her, which at the pace we were driving I could have run and caught up with her.

And so it went, and went, and went until we got to the Agriculture Check point.

You see, here in California where we love to waste money and resources, there is a "checkpoint" that divides the 2 lanes of freeway into 4 or 5 lanes that must stop and answer the following question - "Do you have any fruits or vegetables with you"? A simple "nope" and you are on your way.

Osama Bin Laden could have driven though this checkpoint with a banana on his dashboard and not been questioned or even stopped.

Some times the people who work there just wave you through. No hi, bye, fuck you - nothing.

What had happened was somebody called in sick, or got drunk on their lunch or something because there was only one lane officially "open". There were cars going through every lane (I think there are a total of 6) and nobody was stopping. Everyone around me was speeding up, because we knew once we were through that fucking joke of a checkpoint - we were home, or at least back to 90 on our way home.

It took me from 7pm until 3:30am to get from Henderson to Burbank, and never again will I leave Vegas on  Sunday.

The hi-lights from this weekend are coming tomorrow. I have video from both nights. Stay tuned..........