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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What I've learned in the past 48 hours

We have all been there. Married or divorced, together or apart, cheating or faithful. That pretty much sums it up for all except the asexual who have my sincere condolences. I'm so fucking sorry you are addicted to Star Wars, Star Trek, Comic Con or The Bridges of Madison County (the worst movie ever). George Lucas thanks you though for that new house in Bermuda he bought with the cash he got from you all not screwing. Fuck off Chewbaca.

Over the last few weeks I have been enlightened to a few things, fun tidbits of info which could and should be useful to any single dude regardless of which state you hail, or now reside. Don't mistake my intentions - my girl straight up got away. "Fuck off" I think it was. The hotness in my world has decided that the company of an emotional 8 year old doesn't suit her. I am what I am, and with that being said I drudged up some valuable knowledge which I would be remiss in not passing on to my single male friends out there in the big bad world.

1) Single chicks (God love them) under 30 are completely and totally BATSHIT crazy. This is of course a generality, so the one girl (if there is one) originally from Vegas and my favorite 42 year old from LA are exempt - as well as family members.

2) When all goes to shit, refer to rule #1.

3) Drink only expensive Vodka. The cheap shit kills more brain cells and not only gives you a headache but kicks you in the balls in the AM. Oh yeah, don't believe the psychobabble that nobody can smell the stuff. It's bullshit.

4) At the edge of the world, feel everything before you jump off into oblivion. You may feel nothing again.

AXL FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Muthafuckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dear world, the future is a nihilistic bitch with shitty intentions and ideas to ruin ones future plans. Its kind of like a fucking weatherman, who subsequently gets paid to guess - loser. Perhaps we'd all be better off just waking up and flipping a coin - thus allowing chance or fate or kharma or whatever to decide how the day is going to go? Speeding ticket, meeting a friend, lover, loser or train wreck could be a heads or tails away. My preference as presumptuous as it may sound would be to say fuck off to the universe each and every morning, hence taking life head on. Either way one is not in the same fucking place as yesterday - and that my fellow reader is known and recogniZed in this century as fucking progress, or change. Whichever fits your narcicism best. Rock on.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Tundra part two

So, I apparently offended the locals without meaning to. Story of my fucking life. My condolences to the people there. I'm guessing it will take six months to get used to the rate shit moves in the badger state. Until then, numbers dont lie and the bottom line is king. I'm humbled and grateful for the opportunity to exercise my craft. I promise to stop taking pictures of wild turkeys and just run the fuckers over. More to come.......

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Ok. So I'm now in the Fucking tundra. No lady friend love of my life type shit but whats a white guy engineer to do? What's strange about Wisconsin you ask?? Fucking culture. Two speeds slow - and nothing. In coming here I gave up family, love and friends as none are here in the land of great milk and shity curds. This was a defining moment and that moment, up to this point is shit. More to come and. Very little is good but perhaPs tomorrow is better. TBC

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Game

It's not always easy, it's not always fun but the game continues. Games, the set up is an arbitrary set of rules set out by at least two opponents to crush the other into submission. It doesn't matter whether it is the NFL, the NBA or even hockey. It's all about breaking your opponents will, and exposing their weakness for at least their opponent to see - and at worst the entire free fucking world to gawk at.

This is as timeless as time itself, and as long as we have been upright and with thumbs it has been going on. Sometimes with the most ruthless of consequences. In the beginning (depending on which theory you subscribe to) man was to compete with the world to live. Just to eat was a pain in the asss. Not like today where 3 bucks can get you 2500 of the most disingenuous of calories at any shitty drive through.

But, just like everything in life there is the simple, most elegant of exceptions. Love. Love has been called an addiction, wars have been fought over it, people have died, killed themselves and others to get it. Maintain it. Hold the abstract in their hand. How the fuck can you hold anything abstract?

When love IS the game, who wants to defeat their opponent - or in other words the one they love? But that is the game, right? That is what we have been indoctrinated with our entire lives. It lives within us right next door to Mr. fucking EGO - and that fucker has a mansion. The white house has got nothing on that dudes guest house. So how do you win at this game with its arbitrary rules which have been defined over centuries? Be honest.

Man woman or child, it really makes no difference other than the level of understanding. Honesty. Straight up and without fail. See, the only ego you get to play with, move around and even sacrifice is your own. Ego is that little voice inside your head that says, "let's fucking be right, fuck the world. They don't care anyway". And that dude can never seem to shut the fuck up.

Medical science has tried. Drugs and chemicals are all a means to shut the ego up. Billions dollar industries have been designated to it. Make the one little pill or elixir that will silence the urging, the voice - that will to self sacrifice. All have failed, miserably! But the machine must keep going. Dollars must be spent and made. And for what? If the cats in charge of this project worked for any normal corporation they would have been fired long ago.

My advice, for what it's worth is to check that fucker Ego at the door. We all have to eat a little shit occasionally. Get out the ketchup and go to work. As for the rest of us who have allowed this bastard to proliferate in any part of our lives be it professional, personal or familial make amends now - and don't let the last thing you say to the one(s) that you love is not just that.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Almost worth the fucking ticket!

That's right fuckers - I'm back, at least for the day. No homework so I can drop some worthless logic and wisdom - or regale you with my personal run-ins with the Glendale police department. I have met up with those cock suckers twice in the past 4 days. Lucky me.

So last Thursday I am running late for my 7:30am math class. This is the one class I have that attendance counts - and is taken - and counts against you if you are absent or tardy. How exactly, I don't know.

7:30am comes early and last Thursday I was running late. Like 2 minutes late - and that includes the 10 minute walk I usually make to get to class. So, in the interest of time I decided to park closer in the pay lot 1/3 mile closer than the lot I usually patronize.

I turn into the lot (making a left hand turn from an actual turn lane) and a motorcycle cop points me to a spot in the lot where he proceeded to write me a ticket. For what? I asked as dude checks my license and insurance. "Didn't you see the sign"? What fucking sign, I asked? "The sign that says you can't make a left hand turn between 6 and 9 am"? Nope!

Now I have been working on shutting the fuck up, especially when my mouth running is only going to exacerbate my situation - but this fucker had his little ticket book out already and he can't arrest me for questioning his intelligence.

Me:You are seriously going to write me up?

Cop 1: Yup.

Me: Does that sign make any fucking sense to you, or was it made by the Ambiguity Shithead Scenario Group - or ASS Group"?

Then, officer SAT's asks me, "what is that supposed to mean"?

Me: I have to explain ambiguity to you?

Cop 1: No......

Me: Then what does it mean, huh?

About this point officer Mcstupid's partner walked over. He must have heard the conversation I was having with his buddy.

Cop 2: Go ahead, tell him what it means.

Cop 1: It doesn't matter what it means. There is a sign that says no left hand or u-turns between the hours  of 6 and 9 am Monday through Friday.

Me: So you don't know what it means?

Cop1: It means you are getting a ticket.

Me: Isn't this actually just a summons?

Cop 2 is laughing by now. Cop 1 is just pissed off.

Cop1: I need your signature.

Me: For what?

Cop: To show that I gave you the SUMMONS.

Me: I don't want the ticket though.

Cop2: We can take you in to the jail to get your signature.

Both of these cops were on motorcycles, with their stupid looking "hip wader" boots on.

Me: What, you going to make me ride on the back of your scooter?

The first cop was completely pissed off by now, and I knew it. He stared at me while getting on his radio and requesting backup.

Me: Fine, where do I sign?

Cop 1: It's not an admission of guilt, just a promise to show up.

Me: You know my address has changed right?

Cop 1: It's not on your license. How long has it been since you moved?

Me: A year or so.

Dude starts to smile. I knew what he was trying to do. In California it is against the law to not change your address within 30 days of moving. He breaks out another ticket for me and begins to fill it out.

Cop 1: What is your current address?

Me: (I tell him)

He proceeds to fill out the ticket for failure to change my address and hands it to me to sign.

Me: I'm not signing that.

Cop 1: Do you want to go to jail?

Me: Nope.

Cop 1: Then sign the citation.

Me: Nope.

Cop 2: Why would you agree to sign the first ticket, er, summons, and not this one?

Me: I changed my fucking address already.

Cop 1: You are still getting this citation.

Me: Really?

I walked over to my car and dug out my DMV paperwork. I found my address change receipt, and brought it out to show it to dummy. I handed it to him. Cop 2 was laughing his ass off by now and I felt vindicated.

Me: You still want me to sign that? (pointing at his neato ticket book)

Cop 1 walks off ripping up the ticket he wrote for me. I may have received a ticket, but making a cop feel stupid was almost worth it. If you know you are getting a ticket anyway, give a little back.

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Garden

My girl sent me an article the other day, and it caught me by complete surprise. In it was a story about the Federal government sending out menacing letters to pot dispensaries in California essentially giving them 45 days to shut the fuck down. This, from a federal government who for the last two years has insisted the states are grown ups and can handle their own shit. There are 30 plus states who have also voted medical marijuana use into law - and I'm guessing they are next.

The letters were sent by the attorney general (notice no caps) to dispensaries up and down the state. The letters threaten the owners of the land if not owned by dispensary operators with forfeiture of said property, felony charges and most likely some bullshit RICO predications for good measure. Can you say INJUNCTION???????

This kiddies is not what you think - the continuation of the war on drugs. People aren't going to quit smoking weed because Obama can't seem to balance his checkbook. Nope. This is political, and if truth be told I would bet the president has a secret service dude on standby at ALL times with a smoke and a toke.

Nope kids, this is about the pharmaceutical whores who are the largest cartels on the planet. They have shitloads of cash and lobbyists to pay off all of those corrupt fuckers in DC, all so they can create Pot-Marts. These fuckers have seen the taxes generated from the sale of pot here in California and the government hates competition.

So, step one - shut down existing operations. Obama Jabong will take the high (no pun intended) road and claim gateway drug blah blah blah. Pot is destroying the youth of America.......or maybe people are just gradually becoming dumber?????

Step two - hand the weed production, distribution and sale to corporate America in the way of SKB, Watson and others.

Step three - Issue stock in Weed Marts (IPO) and since president smoker dude will own a huge portion of said corporation BEFORE the IPO dude gets rich(er) and everybody is happy.

Obama should have figured out he won't be at the White house for another 4 years - he fucked up. Sorry dude, game over. But if this is your parting gift to the stoners of California, a state you think you can carry regardless what your incumbent ass does, you are so fucking wrong.

This is essentially your retirement fund (allegedly) and your transparency is for shit. Remember history before you go fucking with the stoner republic and tearing down their grassy knoll. Nothing good comes from a grassy knoll - except weed for those who wish to use it MEDICINALLY.

One last point, and take this in the spirit in which it is intended but - PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING MANIPULATED WHEN THEY KNOW THEY ARE BEING MANIPULATED. Feel free to change your bong water, smoke a Newport and relax. Your time in DC is coming to an end.