Bad Sponge

I had to recently write an essay on SpongeBob SquarePants - needless to say I have never seen the show personally, so I interviewed my 15 year old niece. What a cultural phenomenon that is a complete fucking fraud. If you like SpongeBob, quit reading now because it doesn't get any nicer from here.

In doing my research, I found that this fucker is not the friendly, optimistic babysitter that he has been made out to be. Don't worry, I will back up my claims with factual information. But keep in mind this bitch is a fraud - straight up.

As those of you who are familiar with the show, Bob is a kitchen sponge that lives in a myopic world under the sea. He was developed by a marine biologist as a vehicle (allegedly) to teach kids under 11 the workings of life under the ocean. I suppose brilliance and stupidity intersect occasionally.

Series creator Steve Hindenburg has created a cultural icon that is loved by all demographics, all over the world. Talk about failing upward! There are several issues with Bob's world that are in direct contrast with the real world.

Bob's job is a fry cook for Krabbie Patties, of which the ingredients are unknown. Even when asked Hindenburg alluded to the fact that the patties may be vegetarian - riiiiiigggghhhhhhht and my dog has wings growing out of his ass. Vegetarian under the sea? Come on dude, you made a gazillion dollars off this fucker and that is the best you could come up with?

If the patties are truly made from crab meat, then some of the customers are cannibalistic - try explaining that one to young kids and some older brother will go all Hannibal Lector on his younger sibling. If dude says they are vegetarian, then not only is he full of shit but he is again creating a world that is not possible, or feasible.

There was a question of Bob's sexuality back in 2005 - as in Bob and his best buddy Patrick (starfish) knocking boots. Again creator Hindenburg pulled a stupid and said "we never intended for Bob to be gay, I look at him as more asexual". Asexual? The only way Patrick could fuck himself (literally) is to break himself in half. Sort of like a liver transplant - both halves live. I wonder which would be Pat and which would be Rick? But I digress, and the idea of Bob and Patrick nailing each other offscreen is not only physically impossible, it's stupid. A marine biologist should know this. I'm sure dude has fucking GOOGLE.

The worst part of the show is a report that was emailed to me today from a buddy of mine that stated 4 year old, white, rich kids developed ADD or ADHD after just 9 minutes of watching SpongeBob. These kids were also doomed to be fat kids because compared to their peer control group, they ate their snack several minutes before the kids that didn't watch the show.

Shitty part is Hindenburg lives in my zip code.........