When we go to Vegas we don't go to the strip. We don't gamble and we don't do the tourist thing. Why? Mainly because I lived there for a few years, and nobody I know likes to gamble. Football sportsbetting during the playoffs is fun making 5 dollar cards and hoping for an opening touchdown during the kickoff.
Nonetheless, we go to Vegas to visit my best friend Stephan and visit a locals only (almost) restaurant and bar. The food is second to only the 5 star places on the strip, and you don't have to deal with anyone obnoxious. In the 5 years I have patronized this establishment, I have never seen a fight or physical altercation. The staff is amazing and the place has a Cheers atmosphere, with a bartender named Jared who is a modern day Sam Malone.
Jared has become a great friend and we hang out with him on his houseboat occasionally. Steph is there at least once a week and everybody knows him, and for the most part, me by name.
Vegas bars NEVER close so you can imagine how hammered people can get there. We were no different. I have never been to Vegas (Half Shell is the bar) and not walked out of there normal, EVER. We have walked home, called cabs, caught rides with friends - never have I been stranded there.
My wife is beautiful, and all the dudes were looking but all were courteous to both her and her BFF Crystal. We had a tab going each night, but got in kind of late Friday at 11PM and left the bar at 3. Nothing really unusual happened.
But, Saturday was a different story. We knew where we were going and what our goal was - to get shit faced. The two day hangover, I hate my fucking life kind of shit faced. The kind of shit faced where you swear off drinking for at least a month, and follow through with it.
So Stephan, Aaron, Candi, Crystal and myself are sitting at the bar chugging vodka and red bulls every 3 minutes. Aaron is a big man, I weigh 200 pounds and Steph is 195. We drank two bottles of Jagermeister, two liters of Grey Goose and several exotic drinks designed by Jared to empty your guts. Needless to say we were hammered. Oh did I mention the case of Corona's we killed too?
Aaron caught up with one of his buddies who lives in Vegas, and was so drunk forgot to say goodbye, at least to me. He just disappeared telling Steph and Crystal they were headed to another bar. Aaron needed NO more booze.
So Candi, Steph, Crystal and myself left to drive home. Yes, I know Steph shouldn't have been driving - but I am not law enforcement and he has never had a DUI. I'm guessing he knows when he is out of control. I was wrong.
We piled in his Suburban and got halfway home (which is only 2 miles from the bar) when Vrystal discovered she had left her phone on the bar. Steph called Jared and it was still there, so we turned around and headed back. Being the gentlemen we are we walked up the back stairs while the girls stayed in the truck. Steph left it running because even at 2:30am in Vegas it is still 103 degrees.
We said thank you to Jared and grabbed the phone while making our way back to the stairs. At the top of the stairs I noticed something wrong, very wrong. It took Steph a few steps to figure it out - the Suburban was gone. Now the parking lot to Half Shell shares a parking lot with a strip mall which houses another bar.
After a few minutes of looking Steph saw his headlights on halfway across the parking lot. Score, we found it. Crystal is doing the splits on the hood and Candi is taking pictures of her. Both are laughing so hard we could hear them from 100 yards away.
So Steph and I run toward the truck and Crystal decides to get into the truck and play that stupid game where you get to the door, and the driver moves the truck forward 5 feet. Then, Crystal tells us to get in again and we both fall for the same shit again. Meanwhile, Candi is 50 feet away taking pictures and laughing her ass off. I knew this was going to go bad,so I pulled out my camera and let Steph play the stupid game with Crystal alone.
After another 4 or 5 tries to get into his truck, Steph jumps on the hood and Crystal takes off. Candi and I are laughing so hard we can't get our cameras to work. Steph is holding onto the windshield wipers and climbs his was up to the luggage rack - I assume to maintain a better grip.
Crystal was doing at least 30 MPH in this parking lot making random turns and hitting the brakes. She wasn't trying to hurt him, but when you are as drunk as we were, roof surfing in a parking lot (empty) is funny as hell.
After I caught my breath I was able to capture two minutes of video of this chaos. The lights at night are shitty so the quality is not worth posting. Actually, I have to ask those involved if it is ok, and I am in the process of doing that.
Steph never fell off and Candi almost tossed her cookies laughing so hard. We finally got in the truck and headed home - where we found Aaron, my daughter, her friend and his buddy. All I am going to say in todays edition is that Aaron came as close to humping a tire as anyone I have ever seen. More on that and Aaron's inebriated dribble tomorrow.
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