Fuck the Studies

Fuck it. Why be a writer having to create or regale stories for the entertainment of people, most of whom I don't even fucking know? I decided I want to be one of those "scientists" that does these bullshit fucking studies which are debated on stupid talk shows.

And why not? Most if not all are government funded which means some fat kid with a somewhat compelling postulate can go to the head of some "prestigious" university and say "hey dude, lets study the effects of bleach exposure to the whooping crane".  And some shit head, self indulgent, egomaniacal assfuck of a professor will say, "fuck Dudley, good idea".

So the paperwork is set into motion and boom, the study begins - and to what fucking end? Are folks going to stop using bleach where the Whooping Crane is indigenous? I'm going to go ahead and say no. So tell me what the fucking point is??

I saw a report on salt, you know that element the body cannot live without? Too much has for years been  linked to heart disease and strokes. Now, Dudley's twin (metaphorically) brother has done a study and found that people who don't regulate their sodium intake are 56% less likely to suffer from the aforementioned conditions.

Now, having been an engineer for the past 20 years I know a thing or two about data presentation. I also have a background in DOE (design of experiments) and had to suffer working with tunnel visioned PhD's in a laboratory setting. These fuckers may be able to solve or create extensive quadratic equations but they can't assemble a peanut butter sandwich. Common sense is relative to ones own environment, but come on? How hard is it to put peanut butter on a slice of bread and then cover it with another piece of, well, you know, bread? But you expect the general public to believe their bullshit data, when another study will appear 6 months later stating the contrary.

I was in Starbucks waiting inline because California has an issue with drive thru coffee joints, and noticed a new sign on the wall saying that somehow some "Dudley" of the world has decided that during the processing of the beans a carcinogen is produced making coffee not entirely safe. Really? Who wants to live forever? If a cup of Starbucks is going to kill me then God please take me now.

High Fructose Corn syrup is my favorite though, primarily because it tastes like shit. Cereal was good when I was a kid, and after tasting a bowl of Trix with this new sweetner in it I almost vomited. Coca Cola is the best example, and I will spend twice the cash to buy the Mexican bottles of coke made with real sugar. Shit, even Pepsi has caught on to the fact that corn syrup sucks and have gone back to making American cans with real sugar called Throwback Pepsi.

All these studies and the FDA won't or can't force the cigarette companies to print bilingually that their product will cause cancer in more than lab rats? What good are they?

They are all full of shit so decide for yourself America and say a big Fuck You to all of the studies that come out claiming things are either good or bad for you. You decide!