Publicly Private

Ryan Reynolds and the (Scarlett Johansson) bimbo, Ryan decided to make his betrothed a few years ago are divorcing. This event in and of itself doesn't even rate on my "give a fuck" barometer - until the pair issued a statement asking for privacy in their time of tribulation.  Uh huh, sure.

That is like telling college kids not to drink during spring break, asking the Islamic Fundamentalists for world peace, buying a new car without the 4 square paper or expecting the sun to rise in the west. Not going to fucking happen.  Not today, not ever.

It entertains me to no end the whiny methods of pampered Hollywood shit heads. If John Wayne or Steve Mcqueen were still alive, rest assured they would make no such statement. They wouldn't have to because aside from the fact that they were great actors, they were MEN.

Men stand up and say as little as possible, or spill the honest truth. Either way the impending shit storm is mitigated or averted altogether. Being a whimpy "I deserve privacy" bitch when shit in life goes sideways, while tweeting about your latest project or who your fucking doesn't fly with me. Why?

Because these fuckers can't have it both ways.

Million dollar paychecks, gratuitous albeit brain dead appearances on late night talk shows - and all the while granting photo ops for the same people they bitch about invading their arbitrary privacy when their synthetic  lives go into the shitter.

Irony abounds in the land of rich and whiny. You want privacy, move to Duluth.

Equal opportunity arrest?

I'm in Henderson (Nevada) which is a ritzy suburb of Vegas right now for my kids graduation. I love Vegas and being I used to live here, my buddy and my girl and I hit a local watering hole following the festivities. We proceeded to drink a lot - the bartender is a friend of ours (thanks Jared) and over the course of the evening was regaled with a tale that is so fucking odd it has to be true. To add to the authenticity, both of the folks involved were sitting next to us.Here it is - true story.

Their names (which are changed) are Rudi and Noodle. These cats are in their mid thirties and have been best friends since childhood. They live, work and drink together.

A week or so ago Rudi and Noodle attended a beer festival held in the parking lot adjacent to our local watering hole. Needless to say both proceeded to get hammered drunk. When the festival had concluded Noodle and Rudi made their way through the parking lot over to the local watering hole.

An hour (and several cocktails) later Noodle and Rudi were asked to leave the bar, not because they were shit faced in as much as they were arguing about the validity of Pythagoras' theorem.Actually I have no idea what the fuck they were arguing about.

This local bar has stairs which access the rooftop bar we drink in addition to a bar / restaurant downstairs. Stairs are a bitch for fucked up folks, and that's where shit got interesting for them on this fateful morning.

When leaving, Noodle and Rudi proceed to get into an argument on the stairs following their departure from the upstairs / rooftop bar. There was finger pointing, drunken yelling and eventually a pushing and shoving match ensued. Being the bar is in Henderson the police arrived in about 30 seconds.

Once the cops showed up, both Noodle and Rudi were separated and questioned as to the genesis of their argument, or as the Henderson police saw it, fight. Both were forced to show their ID's and the police figured out they lived together, hence making the incident a "domestic" argument.

Noodle was thrown in jail on Domestic Violence charges immediately, even though both (in their inebriated states) swore they were not lovers or romantically involved. The Henderson Police Department wasn't buying their pleas and incarcerated Noodle.

Rudi, now stuck at the bar with no ride home began to walk home, as they only live a few blocks from the bar. He was stopped by one of the same officers who had responded to the call and again questioned as to what he was doing - which apparently included jaywalking. Rudi was issues a ticket and proceeded on his way to the 7-11 to get a snack as the convenience store was on his way home.

After purchasing a pizza and a Big Gulp, Rudi leaves the store and proceeds to leave the parking lot, which is on a corner with a traffic light. Bear in mind it is 3:30AM. Rudi pushed the walk button so as not to jaywalk again. There isn't any traffic, and several minutes pass with out any change in the light / cross walk indicator.

After another few minutes the light changes to red and the "walk" signal is flashing allowing Rudi to cross legally. Rudi gets roughly halfway across the street when another Henderson Police car pulls up to the red light and stops. By the time Rudi reaches the other side of the road, and is within a rocks throw of his front door, the police car flips the light on and pulls up to Rudi on the wrong side of the road.

Rudi is forced to throw his pizza away and is questioned as to why he is out at the late hour. Rudi explains his story hoping the police will appreciate his dilemma and at very least give him a ride the rest of his way home.

NOPE!

Rudi is arrested for public intoxication and taken to jail where he is put into a cell with.......you guessed it, his buddy Noodle.

I met both of these dudes last night, and it was easy to see why Noodle got arrested. He was blasted last night, and while he was friendly and pleasant to us - he proceeded to retreat to the first floor bar and explain the finer points of video poker to the players - who weren't amused by his antics in the least. He was again asked to leave, and he did. Alone.

I would like to point out the extreme obvious. If a police department has nothing better to do than harass drunks arguing outside a bar, you are in a great community with a nonexistent crime rate. If the same police department incarcerates two dudes in the same cell, one of which was arrested for domestic violence against the other, at the same time - well then perhaps the community isn't so safe? Who is protecting the public from police stupidity in Henderson, Nevada?

185 or 6 (million) to 4

The Taliban - you have to love them. Scurrying around the desert with their gargantuan beards, berkas, turbans, linen get-ups and all accessorized with a classic AK-47 assault rifle. You know these cats, they are the ultra fundamentalist hard core sharia law abiding citizens of Afghanistan.

So 6 of these Taliban dudes get this bright idea that with a ladder, their AK's and a little balls (they are still allowed in moderation under sharia law) they can retaliate against Pakistan for the death of Bin Laden by taking over one of their military bases.

And for 17 hours, they did.

Now, reports have been quoted as saying these 4 Taliban dudes are toasting martinis and smoking opium with Bin Laden and the virgins. Even if the reports that they have met their demise are true, what does that say about Pakistan and their substandard military?

It tells me that any NFL team, yup even the Bengals, could go over and whip some Pakistani ass. Consider the numbers - a 53 man roster of highly trained, in shape and pissed off men (kickers notwithstanding) could EASILY take over a military outpost. Even without offensive holding. Even with their scrub practice squads.

To further that point, any defensive back worth his weight in sand could outrun those extra smart Pakistani footsoldiers. I'm guessing this could happen even if the Pakistani's had Jeeps. They have to be the worst group of "soldiers" ever assembled in or out of modern times.

I would take even money on a WNBA team being able to pull it off. Shit, who is going to argue with a 7 foot, pissed off woman. Especially if she has more facial hair than her adversary?

The middle east is a mess and I find humor in the fact that Pakistan has put the US military on notice for running a covert op in their shitty little sandbox without letting them know. All the while they again get infiltrated by a group of dudes who can't even watch porn and are made to look like the stupid uptight jerk-offs they are.

Now I wonder, is that a reflection on Pakistan or us?

Wendy Williams

We had Fox on the tube this AM because of some peeps my girl knows who appeared on Good Day LA. Personally I prefer the national news feed, but my better half is always right. I'm not stupid. Nonetheless the TV was muted so we could have our talk time, but remained on. The wife left and I got a phone call. When I got off of the phone I came inside and saw that TMZ was on.

Now I don't religiously watch TMZ but some of their shit is just fucking mean - hence entertaining. After TMZ, for which I had turned the volume up the Wendy Williams show comes on. I was SHOCKED!!!

Is that seriously a woman, female, of the gentler sex????? Is she as God made her? I'm not talking about the face work she has had done which is so obvious I can see it. I'm referring to the linebacker turned wannabe anorexic physique that chick sports. I had to know and nobody I know watches this kind of shit - so off to Wikiwhatyouwannaknow I went. It (as I'm not convinced she is really a she) calls itself the "Queen of media". You know where I'm going with this - Queen? Could IT be any more obvious?

Dear Wendy - a quick note on the etiquette of nicknames and monikers. If they are self assigned, they are for shit. Pro athletes and gender correct celebrities know this. Take the fucking hint. The true "Queen of media" is either Howard Stern after gender reassignment surgery, or Oprah.

Again, the only emotion I can use to describe my reaction is fucking SHOCKED! That bitch pees sitting down. For real. Who would have guessed that? How does a creature such as this get a prime time talk show? I'm not buying that "Wendy" is a she until I see a birth certificate. That's right, I'm going all presidential on him, er her.

If I am proven to be wrong (and I am often am) I will apologize publicly. However, boobs, hormones and a synthetic hooh hah does not a female make. That thing has man hands, man voice and more plastic in her than a Tupperware party.

The worst part was I backed up the footage and watched her beat up Paula Abdul for her choice of wardrobe. Really she-he? Feel free to look in the mirror - scratch that, make that a FULL LENGTH mirror and check out your height, weight and those huge fucking mitts too. You could have been the only guy, er girl on your softball team playing "catcher" without a glove.

Oprah is in her last season, and I suppose she had to be replaced. Good luck with that.

Role Models and the NBA

Sir Charles said it best - "I am not a role model" - years ago. But do parents listen?

The NBA in their meager attempt to placate the gay, lesbian, transgender, bicurious and what ever new gender confused group comes out (no pun intended) has launched a TV campaign in which athletes from various levels talk G rated trash to one another until one of them uses the word "gay" as a verbal assault. Then, some NBA player (or 2) says in as many words that that term is not acceptable - "not in my house".

Good for the NBA, er, the WNBA. Are they even still around?

Nonetheless the NBA is being proactive in their attempt to make alternative lifestyle folks feel at home in their arenas. I can only assume their players didn't get the sensitivity memo.

I'm watching game 2 of the Heat / Bulls game and in the first quarter Noah, the center for the Bulls received his second foul. The camera showed the 7 footer sitting on the bench immediately following him exiting the court and while I'm no mind reader I am 99% sure he called somebody to his right a "fucking fagot".

Now, I'm no expert in sensitivity training, but I'm going to go ahead and guess that was a smack in the face of the NBA's attempt to attract the alternative lifestyle crowd, and their subsequent policy.

If calling someone "gay" in the heat of competition is unacceptable, or frowned upon by the NBA - this cat should get the run the fuck out of the league.

However, we live in a fickle if not hypocritical world which is money driven. Noah will not be fined, chastised, counseled or even talked to about his comment. The Eastern Conference Finals is waaaayyyy too important to mention such a transgression, even by a semi superstar. So what does this say about the league, and more importantly athletes as role models?

It screams that 20 something millionaires are probably not the cats you want your kids to emulate - at least during the games. I'm not sure who this dip shit ran his mouth at, but I do know it doesn't require an advanced degree in linguistics to distinguish his words or intent. 

If you are one of those parents who has managed to successfully indoctrinate your kid(s) with the "do what I say not what I do" bullshit - then your kids will buy the leagues manipulation hook line and sneaker. If not, and your kid(s) have an IQ higher than a retread tire - you might be in trouble.

Life time?

According to a report I read recently doctors in Texas have come up with a medical test which, in theory can determine the date of your demise. For $300 samolians anyone can find out when they are going to kick off.

This alleged test is about cash, dollars, drachmas, rubles - well you get the picture. It takes into consideration genetic predispositions as well as factors like being fat and smoking. In a perfect world this procedure and its' subsequent results may hold some validity. But we don't live in a perfect world, not even close. Humans are the only creatures on the planet that not only allows (but encourages) the weak, stupid, lazy and impotent to proliferate. So regardless of how accurate this test may become from a biological perspective, there is always one parameter that will need to be taken into account.

The STUPID factor. Yup, that one word which sums up the vast majority who make up the catalysts of the phenomenon I like to refer to as accidents.  Accidents have the connotation of assuming intent, but accidents are and always will be as serious as the results they cause.

So, for the sake of argument let's assume you come from a healthy lineage, eat right and exercise regularly. You get the "test" done and the results say that you will live to the age of 94 years, 254 days. Then, after receiving these results a call to your financial planner is made and the necessary adjustments are made to not only your retirement account with holdings, but your kids college funds and you take a second mortgage on your house because of the tax incentives and interest rates. Shit brother, you have all the time in the world.

For all intents and purposes you are buried in debt and plan to work until age 75. But you can't help yourself with your new found wealth and you and the wife book passage on the next plane to the Virgin Islands. Unfortunately the limo you commissioned gets hit by a bus on the way to the airport. You are now another statistic and your kids are fucked because of your financial indiscretions - that's a nice way of saying you are fucking stupid.  Oh yeah, did I mention you are dead?

Lightning, floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, drunk drivers, falling space junk, vermin, infestations, famine and the new and improved version of AIDS has yet to be factored in (or discovered). These are just "acts" of God, or bad luck depending on where you fall on the spirituality barometer. Either way you could, at any time, be proper fucked. No test or genetic profile will allow anyone or anything (except the almighty) to determine the date or time of your demise EVER.

There is no formula, equation or algorithm for extreme or mild stupidity. Until there is, and there probably never will be, this latest and greatest technology has all of the validity of the predicted date of the rapture.

Trump for President - Nope

It's too bad the Donald has officially pulled out - of the presidential bid for 2012. Trump was behind Bishop Romney by a few points early in the process. Gingrich is going to try - and his weakness, at least according to the republicans is his sordid past. Ironic that this is exactly what makes Trump compelling and popular.

Allow me to expand.....

Gingrich is a fragile candidate at best. He has spoken poorly of politicians in his own party. He likes to fuck women who are not his wife. He has appeared in ads with Pelosi, albeit both were clearly uncomfortable. Hell, maybe he slid up into her as well? They are both old, political and ugly. I'm just saying....

Trump on the other hand loves controversy. Dude lives for it. If the Donald was asked about his past womanizing, Trump would go all Rockstar with his answers. "Shit yeah I nailed her, her sister, her mother and second and third cousins too. Sometimes more than one at a time".

If asked about Pelosi, "I wouldn't fuck that bitch with Newts cock". The Donald might be an asshole, but dude has standards and has proven throughout his life that money buys pretty much anything, including happiness.

Let's not forget Trump is a proven winner in business, and aside from the global disasters upon the US right now, my money would be on Trump to fix it. Do the Chinese have a direct translation for "fuck-off sir"?

It's sad to me the republican party is so divided, and from Palin to Pawlenty cannot field an opponent to defeat, let alone challenge the moronic incumbent. Let's face it, Obama may go down as the worst president in history.

Here are the front runners and why they can't win -

Mitt Romney - Priesthood holder Romney is a Mormon. That's one concession away from polygamy. If that dude wins, we are all in for national family home evenings, Jello in new and mysterious flavors, Seminary at lunch breaks in the private sector and subsidies for Mormon Assault Vehicles (Suburbans, Expeditions and full size vans). There is a reason why this cat doesn't have his own show on Fox News.What kind of fucking name is Mitt anyway? Aren't mitts used to catch balls? Does Mitt have a sibling named Racket, Paddle or Net?

Gingrich - I hear he is an exceptionally bright guy, but he is a master manipulator. How else can anyone explain how a fat, ugly politician slid up into anything female besides his wife - who is obligated to allow him to defile her?

Michelle Bachman - Entirely too attractive to be the leader of the free world.  Her husband hasn't been the President, and there hasn't been a parody porno made from her likeness......yet.

Tim Pawlenty - Don't know much about this cat but his last name could very well disqualify him on length alone. If dude follows suit with the rest of his party's antics he has several autistic, illegitimate children cruising around. But what the hell? If the Terminator can pull it off anything is possible.

Palin - She won't run, no way no how. Palin is having way too much fun fucking with the potential candidates, because love her or hate her she controls a lot of votes. She has money and notoriety so entertainment is all that's left. The Presidential job doesn't look all that fun these days. Talking shit about who is in office is.

I'm very sad I won't be able to hear Trump run his mouth about anything important. I don't watch his show, but I was so looking forward to hearing sir Combover utter those immortal words - You're Fired!

The Hypocrisy of Cliches

Every day we hear them. Inundated until I feel like drowning in a bucket of my own vomit. Nonetheless I'm going to go ahead and postulate they aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I am of course referring to cliches. In Southern California there are no shortages of them, recycled as they may be. Here are some of my favorites:

No good deed goes unpunished - This is surprisingly true. I have found the one sure way around this is to give cash to homeless people. You will never see them again, problem solved.

Home is where the heart is - A complete crock of shit. Home is where the TV is. I get internet where ever I get cell service. I can eat where ever there is a restaurant. I can park in any open spot. I can pee pretty much anywhere. But I can only watch non sporting events on my plasma.

You did your best - This ultimately alludes to failure, in monumental fashion. Let's not forget we live in a results oriented society. Your "best" hasn't fucking mattered since little league.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again - Allow me to complete the phrase (my way). Cause if you keep on trying you're sure to fail again. Tenacity and persistence means something, to some people, sometimes. For the rest of us, one and done is what the bitch in the box says (my GPS).

Shit Happens - Dead on. Proof that not all cliches are bullshit.

I just want to help the ball club win games - A famous line from Bull Durham, and still regurgitated today. Usually this is part of a post game presser where MR. SAT pro jock doesn't want to admit to fucking the entire cheer leading squad the night before.

Smiles are contagious - Uh huh, right. Chicken Pox, Herpes, a cold, the flu and bad juju are contagious. Meaningless smiles are irritating, unsolicited and make that middle aged guy in the Hawaiian shirt appear to be a pedophile.

Keep your eye on the prize - This sounds short sighted to me. I can think of about 12 things I would rather stare at than a prize, especially if the prize includes any interaction with, or around, Drew Cary - that cat is just fucking creepy.

Everything happens for a reason - Yeah, sure it does. This again typically follows some monumental fuck up which requires more than a modicum of spin to make it appear even remotely acceptable.

This is in no way a complete list. Stay tuned....... more to come.

Demi Jr. replacing Charlie????

I love me some Two and a Half Men. My nephews turned me on to it 5 years ago, and believe it or not it was the only show they watched as a "family". For 30 minutes the 4 of them were all in the same place at the same time focusing their attention on the same media. Why?

I like to think it's because the writing has an unlimited amount of sexual innuendos - you know the tongue in cheek type shit that resonates funny to both the adult mind and at the same time a child's adolescent sensibilities?

The two nephews say Charlie is the cooler of the two TV personalities, but Alan (Jon Cryer's character) is the better actor. I suppose there is some truth in that statement, although I grew up watching Three's Company and in my opinion Cryer is John Ritter lite. That isn't to say he isn't great, but Jack Tripper was the original and always will be. I'm guessing someone older than myself will tell me who John Ritter patterned himself after in the near future. Until then I stand by my opinion.

Over the past few months Charlie Sheen has made an even larger name for himself, stirring controversy and self promoting his war with show creator Chuck Lorre. Lawsuits have been filed and names have been called in a very public feud.

Just when it appeared that CBS boss man Les Moonves had grown a pair, and Charlie was to be brought back to the show we find that Demi Jr. (Ashton Kutcher) has signed on to replace Charlie's character.

Well, not totally replace him, I read Demi Jr's character will be written into the show as an addition to the household, with Cryer's character assuming a larger role. How many times can a goofy middle aged guy fuck a valley soccer mom and burn down her house????

What will be interesting is the story line that either kills or leaves Charlies character available to return at some point. Why?

Because Demi Jr. is just not that compelling. I can hardly watch the dudes commercials. However, it might just work to his benefit.

Bruce Willis was on TV, then married Demi. Bruce went on to become one of the biggest actors in Hollywood doing action movies, and tough guy roles (his cameo in Oceans' 12 notwithstanding).

Then he divorced Demi who married Ashton. You would think Bruce would break off a call to his babydaddy and let him know he is headed into sitcom obscurity. But stranger things have happened, and Mr. Moore may become the next Rob Lowe - not likely.

But, Hollywood is a strange place and entertainment types, not unlike Charlie Sheen himself, continue to fail upwards. I love Charlie and will buy diet tonic water if he slings it, and I hate tonic water.

I predict the first episode of next season's Two and a Half Men will be off the charts. Everybody will tune in wanting to know what happened to Charlie. Then, as the weeks go by (even if there isn't an NFL season) the audience will fall off. The time slot will be screwed with and eventually CBS will be forced to bring Charlie back or cancel the show altogether.

Personally, I hope Fox signs Charlie to do a show during the same time slot. Then I can quit pausing my DVR to read Lorre's vanity cards.

Happy Friday the 13th........

Natural Disasters disguised as Acts of God

We are being inundated with coverage of the flooding in the midwest. River water levels not seen in some places in 70 plus years, in others - ever.

However, and I'm not being shitty when I say this, we all have our own natural disasters to deal with. Insurance paperwork has termed these calamities as "Acts of God" - like weather concerns The Creator?

What surprises me is the number of folks who are seriously surprised when what is deemed a Natural Disaster occurs - especially in a geographical region indigenous to such activities, ie. flooding proximal to the Mississippi River.


So, to assist those prone to losing their minds when Natural Disaster's occur here is a list of shit storms to expect (or at least not be surprised by) listed geographically.


Pacific Northwest - This area of the country is prone to volcanic eruptions, minor flooding and forest fires.


California - Earthquakes are prevalent here, to the tune of about 10 per day. Most are minor at best, but occasionally the big one hits. ALSO, fires are popular in the southern portion of the state. When this occurs, the vegetation which binds the hillsides together burns away leading to mudslides. FOX 11 news has awesome coverage of the biggest snivelers after each storm.

Southwest - Drought, illegal immigration and UFO sightings. 



Rockies - Flooding is the most frequent disaster on the west side of the Rocky Mountains, along with locust hordes. I expect the Salt Lake area to flood this year similar to the event in 1984. Not hoping, just expecting.


Rockies to the midwest - Tornadoes happen here, a lot. There are so many in fact that TV shows are made by the Discovery Channel about dudes who chase these things around.


Eastern Seaboard - Southeast Gulf Coast - Yup, hurricanes happen here. Cool thing about these pissed off tropical storms is there is always a warning.


This list is not exclusive, as earlier this year we got the leftovers from the tsunami / earthquake in Japan. What I am trying to say is if any indigenous to your part of the world occurs, and you get your mug on TV as a result - act like you have been there before. Come off surprised, shocked or betrayed and you just look stupid to the rest of us.


"We built our house here 15 years ago and now with the rains it is sliding down the hill" - weak sauce. Instead, perhaps try this, "My house is the bowling ball and my asshole neighbors are the pins, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" that makes you come off as educated, grounded and free spirited.


Natural disasters happen, it is a reality of the world we live in. Don't be surprised when they do , but most of all concern yourself (at least in public) with the shit you can control. Don't whine, cry, bitch, snivel or whimper about shit you knew could and probably would happen. If you didn't know they could occur, well then you are stupid and you probably won't understand what I'm saying anyway.


I say enjoy and embrace the natural disaster coming to a town near you soon. BBQ at the volcano, re-aim the dish and fire up the generator in the aftermath of an earthquake, keep your beer cold in the river when it floods and enjoy these Acts of God - as they are inevitable.

Tenacity in Hollywood

Living in Southern California and more specifically in Burbank (which borders North Hollywood) I probably hear more in terms of pop-culture bullshit than people should.

Paris Hilton and the Lohan clan don't usually get much of my attention, primarily because of the stupid factor associated with both. I'm going to go ahead and say the Kardashian family falls into the same category - boring.

Those that inspire me, are the stars who have a body of work, and push their personal envelope to reach great success, and with that comes the tabloids - and Southpark.

Almost all of what I know about Scientology comes from a Southpark episode on Tom Cruise. I have never met Tom, but he has done things his own way. He is passionate about his religion, and that's fine with me - we all need to believe in something. Even if that something is nothing.

Tom Cruise bet on himself when making the Mission Impossible movies. He is so good at what he does (I suspect he knows this) that he formed his own production company and took a left turn at Hollywood and Normal. "Fuck Hollywood" I would imagine he said, or at least thought.

It has worked out well for him both personally and financially. He believes in what he does and does it, well.

Has he been beaten in the Tabloids? Yup. In fact, if you believe the Southpark episode on Scientology one could only reach the conclusion that anybody involved in the "Cult" is nuts. Having spent most of my life in Utah, there is a strange similarity between the Mormons and L. Rons group. Both are very secretive, both are financially viable and both are gaining popularity.

My point is Tom Cruise, love him or hate him has made the most of his successes and failures. Chances are there is a movie the dude has made which resonates with each one of us somehow, some way.

The same could be said for Mel Gibson.

No matter how many things this guy does that lands him on the cover of the check out rags, he always seems to come out the other side ok. I mean who doesn't love Riggs from Lethal Weapon(s)?????

Mel has also taken a similar journey to Tom Cruise and had his religious convictions help the public form their opinions of him. Granted, fundamental Catholicism is probably not as difficult to swallow as Scientology.

Mel has made great movies over the years and has done it his way. It's safe to assume he also has said "Fuck Hollywood" - at least to himself.

Who else can make a movie done 100% in subtitles and have it be a success in the current day and age?

These two guys have done things their own way when Hollywood left them on the side of the road for dead. Both have been successful and both will continue to be relevant for years to come.

If anything can be learned from them it's this - do your thing. Do it better than anybody else. The world (and Hollywood) makes exceptions for winners.

One only needs to look as far as Charlie Sheen to validate this point.

Open Letter to Pakistan

Dear Pakistan -

We here in the US have this cool new technology, maybe you have heard of it? It's called TV - and let's not forget about the interweb. Yup, we have 'em both.

Your ignorant shitbox Prime Minister Syed Yousuf Raza Gilani addressed Parliament following the porting of Bin Laden's dome, and scolded the US for executing a military or covert operation on their soil without their permission. Dude went on to say that if the US did it again, the Pakistani military would have a reaction.

Sure you will tough guy.

You will launch a nuke at a superpower inside your own country? Yeah, that's going to happen.

Oh, so you're going to send some planes over to bomb the operation? Hear me when I say C-O-L-L-A-T-E-R-A-L damage - or the killing of your own civilians. We all know that won't happen.

You want to send a few warheads over to the US as punishment? Good luck with that. You will be turned into the top of the worlds largest coffee table before you get a report from CNN on how your aggression turned out.

Look, dusty third world country - we give you 3 billion a year to be a good little rogue nuclear nation and shut the fuck up. We ask to use your shitty little country to supply our troops in Afghanistan because we are polite. Don't believe me? Try saying no and see what happens.

Face it Pakistan, the US is the only thing that prevents India from kicking your shitty little ass. Quit hiding terrorists, quit aiding bad guys and stop running your gullet. After all you don't want to be the feature attraction on the CIA's next closed circuit TV event, now do ya?

SLUT Walk

Our Canadian buddies, in their infinitely passive wisdom, decided to allow a police officer to be a keynote speaker at a college forum - the subject was how to make women feel safe(er) walking the campus at night. Bear in mind this is a cop.

So the cop goes through his diatribe, and when asked about specific steps that should be taken by a member of the audience dude replies, "don't dress like a slut".

Pretty straight forward, common sense advice.

Wait, did this cat say slut? In Canada that particular piece of verbiage cannot even be said on the radio. Nonetheless these 4 words spawned what would be known as a SLUT walk. And not just in the great white north. Here in the states the movement has legs on it.

Now let's be clear what happens in the big bad unfair world. Women love attention. I only need to go as far as breast implants to validate that point.

I know, I can hear it already - "I got my boobs done to make myself feel better". Fair enough. Let's examine that statement, if for no other reason to show the world how moronic it is.

Women know that sex sells. It sells in every society on the planet, and it works. We as men buy cars, houses, watches, clothes and every toy imaginable for the soul purpose of getting laid. Married or not. Committed relationship or not. Women are smart, very smart. They know this.

When a woman gets her boobs enhanced (bigger) there isn't a ton of guesswork that goes into the reason why, regardless of the bullshit that may be uttered. Women want to be attractive to their mates.

Oh you say big boobs aren't necessarily attractive? Allow me to retort.

Check out any gold or platinum porn title made in the past few years and 99% of those movies have chicks with huge boobs in them. I can't imagine a flat chested pair of women doing girl on girl scenes - would seem like midget kiddie porn. Boring and not compelling.

That's not to say women who don't have large boobs are not attractive, or are incapable of producing a great piece of filth. However, numbers don't lie.

So women who walk around in tight little shirts showing off their tits, please don't be offended if guys everywhere are staring at them and keep saying "what?" every time you say something remotely provocative or witty. Blame your fun bags, and that hottie in the mirror who dressed you.

With all due respect

Yup - that amalgamation of words has extreme power, and privilege. I love interviews where the person answering begins their answer with "all due respect" - because I can paraphrase the shit out of what comes next. I don't even need to hear it. I could mute the TV or computer and still guess as to what was implied, meant or intimated. Here it is in shorthand - Fuck you and your opinion.

Liberating, huh?

I wonder what the rules are for utilizing this gem of a phrase? In other words, how far can somebody take it?
For example, if I was talking to my boss and said, "but sir, with all due respect your idea is so fucked off you couldn't color that bitch with a crayon" would that be perceived as acceptable in common circles of society?

Perhaps if the crayon comment wasn't there?

The power of one dollar

In economic times like these, especially out here in Southern California, the need to stretch dollars is at an all time high. Fuel prices are almost 5 bucks a gallon and we are still 3 weeks from the official summer driving season. Everything is more expensive with no real end in sight.

Dollar bills are becoming irrelevant because they don't have much buying power. What can you get for a dollar today? A soda from a machine. A small candy bar. In other words, not much.

Fast food chains have dollar menus which after tax is well over a buck. However, a single dollar can still change a life.

I have a soft spot for homeless folks. Not these cats that camp at the freeway off ramps, parking lot exits or other places where the public is forced to stop. Nope, those guys can fuck off.

It's impossible for me to feel any sympathy for a dude with a clean shave and khaki shorts on (empathy does come to mind though) holding a sign that says "Broke" or "Desperate" or "Homeless". Bitch, if you need a sign to tell me how fucked your life is, you are a walking contradiction (see also oxymoron).

The compelling homeless are the guys who say nothing. Very rarely does anybody get my dollar bills who solicits it. I like the strong, silent hobo approach.

Some dude outside of a drug store asked me for change, on the way in. I told him, "dude, everybody today has plastic, and I'm on the way in". Far be it from me to explain the rules to a professional, but I didn't make them. But, I did get some cash back from my purchase, and slipped the guy a few bucks.

Sure, he violated my policy. But there is another side to this story. A side that few acknowledge and even less experience. The feeling one gets when helping another human being.

I can be having a shit day and, if given the opportunity will change my mental state by forking over a few bucks to an unsuspecting homeless guy. Beats the shit out of a McDouble.