Nanna Scanners

Here in southern California, we have the unique privilege of grocery shopping at some of the most expensive food markets in the country. I'm not talking about specialty stores catering to the rich and infamous, or cultural markets where you can purchase an entire pig on any day of the year. Nope, the businesses I refer to are probably the same as the stores you all shop in - with one exception. Ok, maybe two.

Here in lovely socal, we get to pay 10% sales tax, which might be different for food but I'm too lazy to check. I know it is fucking spendy to shop here, especially at the big name stores like Albertsons, Vons (Safeway), Stater Bros., and a shit hole called Ralph's. All of them are equally fucked up, and expensive. I'm talking 5 bucks a gallon for non organic milk expensive.

Part of the joy of living in the nations second largest metropolis, aside from the traffic and smog, I mean marine layer is going to the store - and waiting in the endless lines while I watch the manager watch me and the other 312 people trying to get the fuck out of there.

Then, out of nowhere there always appears some little short dude from a hidden door somewhere in the front end of the store who climbs up on a chair to whisper something into the manager's ear. It's like the midget Jedi Mind trick because the manager shakes his head without blinking and magically another lane opens up. Some geriatric lady who blew Bob Hope back in the day shows up limping while trying to keep her teeth in place - smiling that granny grin while she spreads that old lady "red" lipstick all over her partials.

Inevitably, the first words out of her gullet are "can I help you" - and 24 carts race to get to her line first. Not me though, I know better. There is a reason this old lady bakes cookies and gives samples away. Watching her scan groceries is in itself a lesson in futility - and she convinces me that backwards time travel is possible because if she moved any slower shit would fucking stop.

Nice job midget boy, manager tool and senior citizen. You intentions were great but your execution sucks - and when I'm shopping effort means dick. So I am left with the choice of waiting the interminable, purgatorial wait for any one of the two speedy checkers or going through self checkout. Yup, you heard me, self check out. It does have a few advantages:

I never fuck up, ever. When checking my own groceries I don't lose, misplace or end up with assholes contact lens solution. Nope, I get it all right - and fast. The only issue is produce, and with over half of our groceries being produce it becomes a fucking nightmare to scan any and all fresh fruits and veggies.

Corporate food companies must have commissioned some asshole company and a fuckwad software developer who got a copy of "Statistics for Dummies" thus becoming the self proclaimed resident expert of all that is food and shit ticket check out lines - and decided in his video game wisdom how to waste as much as my time as humanly fucking possible.

So when the grocery store workers union threatened to go on strike recently, I was elated. Their position (to be fair) was that they are skilled labor, who make 18 bucks an hour and have better healthcare plans than the fucking government. I heard on the radio that their insurance covers full hospitalization, $25 copay for Dr. visits and $5 prescriptions. The full timers, once fully vested receive 85% of their salary for life upon retirement - and they bitch. Hmmm.

Skilled labor huh? The dumbass with the video game education fucked it up for them, because if skilled labor is knowing how to "scan" a barcode across a scanner then I should be a fucking brain surgeon. Skilled labor? Really?

How many times have you been through the line at the store, brought your food home only to have the single bagged milk or juice sack break leaving you with a fucking mess to clean up and another trip to no mans land because the dude making 18 bucks an hour was too fucking lazy to wrap that fucker up a second time?

So go ahead there grocery boy and threaten me with a good time some more. We for the most part shop at the "non-union" food joints like Smart and Final or Fresh and Easy - and on occasion Trader Joe's. Self checkout at these places is seamless because they got the smart kid who suggested prepackaging all fresh produce and putting bar codes on them. It might cost a little more but it relieves me of having to suffer through the extreme couponers, old slow folks who haven't had real teeth since black and white TV was the shit, and the cockeyed bagger who puts my apples and oven cleaner in the same fucking bag.

Skilled labor? Really?