Parking Nazi's

Most of you probably don't live in Burbank, California. If you do then you no doubt are abundantly aware of the parking Nazi's that patrol this town with an iron fist. I'm not referring to the parking meter folks, although I'm not sure how to delineate between them as they all drive these Jeep's, but the officers who are assigned to the residential areas.

These cats cruise the neighborhoods looking to give out $45 parking tickets. Why you ask would someone in a residential area get a $45 parking ticket in front of their own abode? Allow me to retort.

You see, in this fine city, which is a lot like Texas in the sense that it is physically located in Los Angeles county but doesn't consider itself a part of LA - as Texas is part of the US but wants to succeed.

So every Tuesday and Wednesday in our part of the world the streets are swept, or at least the sides of the streets are swept by this huge beast of a truck that is essentially a buffer on wheels. The East side on Wednesday's and the west side on Thursday's from 10am - 12pm.

Why it takes two hours to drive up the street is fucking beyond me. I'm guessing that the logistical ability of these fuckers is comparable to all utility people - they need a window. I'm thinking it needs to be a 5 story window and the drivers need to jump out of it.

So we have a neighbor who just moved here from Colorado, and doesn't really know anyone here. He is a quiet Zen-Budhist who for the most part keeps to himself. We talk on occasion and he is a nice guy. He also didn't read the signs.

Now in his defense the signs are placed about every third or fourth house which state no parking between the specified hours. Having out of state plates when I first moved in to Burbank I had the pleasure of dealing with these assholes on one occasion when the midget officer who needed a step stool to place the ticket on my windshield showed up - and placed a ticket on my windshield.

I received the ticket at exactly 10:02am - two fucking minutes after the "ban". I saw her writing the ticket and ran out to plead my case. This is how I know that these folks are Nazi's because they have selective hearing. I think the only word this woman heard me say to her, and I talked a lot, was cocksucker. Probably not my best move because these fucking Nazi's are a part of the Burbank police department.

Oh well, I already had the ticket and a prompt 15 days to pay it. I was so pissed off it took me a few days to properly think things through.

When I was working in Texas (consulting) I drove my car down from Utah, which obviously had Utah plates on it. I was in the Dallas metro area and they love them some toll roads down there.

When going through the toll road stations, you either have a card which is read and charged to your credit card, or you slow down and throw some coins in the bin and that buys you clearance. If you choose to go through the "card" lane at full speed the camera takes a photo of the back of your car.

I'm from fucking Utah, what the hell do I care if they have pictures of my car. Utah doesn't give a hot fuck about tollway violations in Texas. So for the better part of 8 months I abused the Texas tollways every chance I got. No problems.

So after receiving my parking ticket with my Utah plates in Burbank, I applied the same logic. What can they possibly do to me?

So I go to register my car at the DMV to get my California plates, which are ugly as fuck, and thought oh shit. I'm going to get hit with this monster $300 "you didn't pay the fine so you are going to pay it now" bill.

Nope. Nothing, Nada, Zip, Zilch, the big donut hole. Apparently the state DMV is not a collection agency for the fine city of Burbank. No harm, no foul.

So two days ago when I tried to intervene on the part of my new neighbor who also received a parking ticket at 10:02, the parking Nazi said to fuck right off. He had already printed it out and couldn't "take it back". He said if only I had asked him a nanosecond before he would have not issues it. What a crock of civil servant shit.

Nonetheless I thought about my own experience, and passed it along to my neighbor. "Don't pay the ticket" I told him. I regaled him with my story and told him there was nothing to worry about. They can't take away your birthday, Christmas or commence any punishment.

 It almost makes me want to keep my cars registered in Nevada, and get weekly tickets just to see that midget have to climb out of her fucking jeep, and climb back in.