Costco Olympics

There are of course the regular olympics, special olympics, celebrity olympics (I made that up, sort of) but nothing for the elderly, geriatric or antiquated.

I am proposing that an Olympics be developed, and sponsored by Costco which features women with blue hair, and men with little or no hair over the age of 68, or whatever the official retirement age is. This compelling to me for several reasons.

Have you ever been to Costco during the week, between the hours of say 11 and 3? It is tantamount to visiting a retirement home cafeteria - without the handlers. I made the mistake of visiting a Costco to pick up my glasses during a weekday, and thought I might get a few things while we were there. MISTAKE!

You see, in Costco, there are samples of various products at the end of almost every isle, and additional sample stands in the middle of some of the frozen food and fresh meat and cheese isles.

What I saw fucking scared the shit out of me. Not because I realize one day I will be one of these simple minded, grumpy old bastards. It's not because I saw an elderly couple shopping together and discussing their personal experiences with adult diapers. It's because these fuckers who were there on this day were straight mean. And not just mean to me or the wife, hell we didn't exist in their wrinkled universe. These folks had one thing on their mind, free grub.

These so called fragile, elderly, allegedly gentle grandparents were medieval, and they were there for one reason and one reason only - FREE KIBBLE.

It didn't matter whether it was cookie dough ice cream, vitamin supplements mixed with water, sausages or my personal favorite to observe - beef jerky. It was like football practice drills in that store.

The wife and I were strolling down the main isle when we were asked to try some peanut butter and crackers. Nobody else was at the stand and the kid looked bored stiff, so I figured what the hell? "Sure, I'll try some" I said to the kid. The wife doesn't do peanut butter so it was just a single sample this kid handed me.

I no sooner had that chunky goo in my mouth when some old cat who had to be pushing 90 came rolling up in one of those electric carts. He ran into the back of my legs, which didn't hurt but surprised the hell out of me. Then, out ouf nowhere this old bastard yells at this poor kid, "where the hell is my sample , boy"?

I was pissed and horrified at the same time. Here this old fucker is trying to get through me - not by me or around me mind you, but through me. I was confused as to whether or not I should say something to him. And what to say to him should I decide to let the dude have it. I mean he is absolutely my elder and I was raised to respect my elders - my Dad would have my ass if I was disrespectful to an old guy. But this asshole had pole vaulted over the line of decency.

My wife knew what I was thinking and told me to just shut up and move on. So we walked away. But Costco is smart because they put shit like peanut butter next to a beverage isle. Of course the beverage isle has its' own little sample station set up, and I had to have something to drink as my mouth was about stuck shut from the rusty, chunky peanut butter (which sucked by the way).

We stopped at the beverage stand and what did we find? Vitamin powder mixed with water. Not the yummy Flintstones type of vitamins, this shit tasted like a truckload of assholes. The only redeeming quality it had was that it was wet. Just as I'm choking this nasty shit down my gullet here comes Old Hoyt (my pet name for him) in his electric Lazyboy ramming into me again. This time I couldn't hold my tongue - I turned around and told this old fucker to feel free to stop running into my ass.

Foyt looked at me like I was the AntiChrist, and i started regretting being so abrupt with the old guy. Then he opened his mouth to me, and began yelling at me. Yelling every obscenity I could have thought up, and some I had never heard put together before.

Now when old folks yell, they tend to spit as well (a lot). So along with being chastised brutally by a geriatric delinquent, I'm also getting showered with saliva that could be considered antique spit.

My wife is laughing her ass off and I'm essentially speechless. What can I say to an old guy that won't piss off the crowd that had gathered to hear this old fucker scream at me? But God was looking out for me, because about 30 seconds into what had to be his second or third "motherfucker" his partial came flying out.

Yup, his dentures failed him and saved me any additional humiliation. Because he was sitting in his electric stroller his teeth landed on the sample table, spilling several cups of this vitamin shit drink.

Both of us were laughing at this point (hard) because this old bastard didn't miss a beat yelling at me - it was just now nobody could understand a word he was saying and the amount of spit he was emitting went up exponentially.

We left and walked toward the meat department where we could hear another argument in progress. As we neared the table where the coveted sausages were being given away, we could hear these two old ladies going at it - apparently over who was going to get the last package of chicken apple sausages.

As I listened to the argument, it became obvious that these two women had come together and were related. Ones daughter had married the others son. And how proud their kids must be that their mothers were publicly humiliating themselves over 4 bucks worth of chicken and apples.

Just because there was an argument didn't mean these old folks were listening. Shit, time isn't on their side and aside from my wife and I nobody really gave a hot fuck what was being said - so long as they got their kibble samples.

I watched old men with canes moving faster than Shaquille up and down the court, pushing their way through old women and children not giving a fuck who got in their way. If this is what happens when free food is at stake I would hate to see these old fuckers on Viagra.

Hoyt (as I named him) kept chasing us around the store, which forced us to leave earlier than I had wanted to. It was quite entertaining and educational. I had no idea these dudes could move this fast.

So if you have  a free afternoon and a Costco nearby, I highly recommend spending an hour watching old people fight over free kibble! Have a great weekend!