Coupon Hoarders

You ever been stuck at the grocery store behind one of these fucking coupon freaks? You know, the ones with their little spreadsheets and folders and hi-lighter pens trying to get their kibble for free - or as close to free as they can? They usually handwrite checks too, just to waste as much time as possible.

I have, and it fucking sucks.

A few weeks ago the wife and I stopped by a specific grocery store (which rhymes with smalbertsons)because they had Absolut Half Gallons on sale. She knew this because of a mailer, so I suppose to a certain degree we are guilty of a similar practice. Although, I have never seen a coupon for good vodka, EVER.

We meander up to the lines which are at least 7 people deep at each check-out except for this lane on the far side. It had only one woman in it. She was the earthy type 60 something that 20 years before would have been referred to as a granola chick. Luckily she showered that day, because I ran our cart with its' precious cargo of vodka and cherry limeade in it.

When I turned the corner I was astounded, neh, fucking dumbfounded. This granola nug had two baskets, one full of hot dogs and the other full of milk. The carts were so full the hot dogs kept hitting the floor, and each time the nug would go back and get another "non-bruised"package.

Either way, what difference does it make anyway? The checkout girl kept swiping those wieners and all was moving along. Then, when the hot dogs had been scanned the milk began. I was looking around at the lines which were now well into the isles and NOBODY was getting in behind us.

What do they know that I didn't? Even checkout girl was rolling her eyes at the nugs constant correcting of the pricing of the hotdogs and milk. Then, when all of the nugs shit was scanned I learned why NOBODY in their right fucking mind would get behind one of these fucking coupon toting, spread sheet checking offing freaks.

Out comes the bag, or purse or whatever the term is for a device that is about to waste the next 30 minutes of my life. Inside this fucking bag was coupons, and not a few, or even 10. This bitch had hundreds, perhaps thousands of coupons - all for milk and hot dogs. Every one of those fuckers had to be scanned.

Now being the curious soul that I am I looked at her total which was shown to be like $680.00. Who needs that kind of hot dog and milk supply other than maybe a Mormon family reunion?

So the scanning begins, at first I thought it would go along fairly smoothly and couldn't possibly take that  much longer. Shit, we had already been there for 15 minutes - but I kept noticing shoppers looking to check out would walk by and see the dreaded bag this chick had, and run for the fucking hills.

The scanning then comes to a complete halt - one of the coupons was folded or creased and couldn't be read by the UPC scanner. This I found is a huge roadblock, as the checker (between rolling her eyes) has to manually punch in all those numbers. And there were a stack of these at least 8 inches tall, and that was just one folder. There were two or three more.

After reading the Enquirer, Star and People magazines I happened to look up at the nugs total amount owed and it was down to like $250. Not bad, if she didn't have to waste my fucking afternoon. It gets worse because as I ran out of shit to read (I will not read soap opera digest - EVER) the nug decides to begin speaking to me between her ordering the poor cashier around.

The nug proceeds to engage me in conversation - ME the dude and his wife whose time is being obliterated for hot dogs and milk. I had to know, I had to ask - why would anybody need that many fucking hot dogs, and that much milk without a box of cereal in sight?

The nug said that she thought the world was going to shit and she could buy (or so I thought) these items to sustain her and whatever coven she belonged to in the event all utilities and services were cut off. You know, anarchy and that sort of shit?

I pondered what she was saying, and as my wife is urging me to shut up under her breath (you know the kind where there is no look, just clenched teeth and words?) but I can't help myself.

I asked her how long milk would keep.It has an expiration date and the nug says "I freeze it". Again, I was fucking shocked. Who the fuck freezes milk?

Yup she said I freeze it and it will stay good for years. Now I'm interested in her survival theory. I suppose one could survive on milk and hot dogs, but who the fuck would want to? They weren't Nathan's or even Ball Park Franks.

So then the logical part of my head kicks in, and this is where the wife is now kicking me in the shin - which is code for "shut the fuck up".

I asked the nug, "If the world goes that far to shit there won't be any electricity for your freezer. Your milk and wienies will last a day, maybe two in the shade but that's it. You can't barter with rotten hot dogs and blue cheese".

At this point the nug was irritated, so I went back to look at her amount owed on the monitor. Again, all I can say is fucking SHOCKED! The amount now says the store owes the nug cash, and the checkout girl is still scanning and manually inputting coupons. This wasn't about food storage, this bitch was making money from getting the right "products" at the grocery store. I had to ask the checkout girl, "you guys give money back on coupon deals"?

She said "no, it just shows a negative number. We don't actually pay people or issue credits". So the next obvious question I asked is "why are you still scanning coupons then? This nug is obviously getting all of this kibble free"?

The poor checkout girl said (after the nug had left without paying a dime) that there are several of these "extreme" coupon people, and it's a competition between them who can get the largest "virtual" credit.

Until recently, I thought this was just a few freaks in SoCal being creative - until my wife told me there is a TV show dedicated to the phenomenon. Now I get it.

So, if you see a person in the checkout line with at least two carts and a funny black book / bag - fucking run because you will not get those 30 minutes back.