The Garbage Dicks

As many of you know we live here in Burbank, California. Lucky for us our trash pick up day is on Monday - you know how all of the weekend garbage starts to stink when it hangs out too long? Well, not us, not on our street - unless you don't follow the rules.

Oh yes, there are rules set by the assholes who pick up the trash, green waste and recycle-ables (3 different trucks at 3 different times). Don't follow the rules, you win your trash, recycle-ables and green waste back.

When we first moved here I had no idea it was such a complicated process to get your trash picked up. Shit, it's just garbage. But there is not only a protocol to how when and where you put your cans out by the curb - there are also the creatures of the night who like to come and dig for aluminum cans, glass and plastic in the "blue" cans.

So the first few weeks of garbage pick up go by and all is good. I put the cans out, the next morning dude in the truck, with his fully automated robotic arm comes and picks up my trash and dumps it into the back of his truck.

Now there are warning signs both on the cans and the trucks saying basically don't try to put the wrong shit in the wrong can, or else. We know. We watch. We have video of your trash going into our trucks.

Sure you do - and my dog has wings growing out his ass......dummies.

Nonetheless this is probably just a deterrent to keep people from throwing dead bodies, by products from meth labs and dog poop away.

So one Sunday night during last October, I go to put my trash cans out to the curb during halftime of the Sunday Night NFL game. And there it was, the fuckers from across the street had their shitty little cars parked ass to bumper in front of my house - which left no room for my cans. I looked across the street and the 10 families that share that duplex had everybody home. Shit, they had cars parked on their lawn.

I'm not about to miss a game due to my cop neighbors inability to navigate his own fucking driveway, so I left the cans inside my yard and thought I would move them out to the curb later on, after some of the cars left.

The game ends and none of the fucking cars had left. So I went for a run for 45 minutes or so, still nobody is leaving. I resolved that I would have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and go out to move the cans out to the street.

So the wife sets the alarm (which is the absolute worst way to be awoken from blissful slumber) on her iphone and leaves it on my side of the bed - you know to fucking wake ME up at 6 am.

I throw on the flip flops and drag my ass to the curb and there are no spaces for my cans - not fucking one! So I put them out next to the door of my asshole cop neighbors car and mosey back inside to make some coffee.

10 minutes later I hear the robotic arm of the garbage truck making its' hydraulic noises as it makes its way down the street.Then it gets to my house, and no robot noise. Just the sound of a truck idling. I figured no big deal because of the way the cans were put out into the street and Mr. refuse collector had to actually get out of his truck to adjust the cans. On with my day I went.

Around 5pm I got home and thought I would bring the cans in while I had the gate open and the dogs were inside the house. What do I find?

A note, or form attached to my cans informing me not only had my garbage not emptied, but I was put on notice for not having the cans in the correct place. Luckily, there was a phone number for me to call and complain - which I did the next morning.

It should be mentioned that I left the cans out, albeit closer to the curb, where they are supposed to be - WHEN THERE ISN'T A FUCKING CAR IN MY WAY.

I called the number on the form which had a circle written in pen around the reason why my trash was not picked up. It read something like " the cans must be at least 16" from the curb". My cans were on the drivers side of the car that took the place where my cans are supposed to be.They literally blocked the asshole who parked there (the cop across the street) from entering his car without moving my cans.

I explained to the woman on the phone what my dilemma was and she said they would have someone come and empty my cans later that day (Tuesday).

So I take off for a meeting and come back to find another note/ form on my cans, and they are still not emptied. This time the form had a circle around the reason which read "the cans must be 18" from any car".

How the fuck am I supposed to control how close some asshole parks to my garbage cans when they are on the street?

So again I call the phone number, and get told the same stupid shit. She says, "we can't get there until tomorrow morning". Ok, so I make sure I space these fuckers a foot apart (there are 5 of them) and measure exactly 16" away from the curb (with a tape measure). I even took a picture with my cell phone in case there was any doubt.

By Tuesday night the garbage in the house was full and needed to go out. So I walk it out to the curb and because the garbage has yet to be picked up, the bag of trash I put in left the top open about 4 inches. No big deal right?

So the following morning I am at home when the garbage guy comes and open the door to watch this fucker, just to make sure he takes the trash. The dude pulls up, takes one look at the garbage can with it's lid open about 4 inches and gets out of his truck with his notice book in hand. He obviously hadn't seen me - yet, and begins to write another notice.

I ran down our drive way going "you are taking that, right"? Dude says to me, "I can't". I said why the fuck not? He says "if the lid is open we aren't allowed to dump the cans. It makes a mess on the street".

I replied - dude the can wouldn't be full and the lid stuck up if you would have just emptied it two fucking days ago, when you were supposed to.

He hands me the notice, and while I'm telling him how fucking retarded he is he gets in his truck and drives away. This is Wednesday.....

Now on Wednesdays in our neighborhood, there is no parking on the east side of the streets so the street sweepers can clean the gutters. I live on the east side of the street, hence my garbage can is on the east side of the street. So as I'm dialing the phone number to complain, which I now have on fucking speed dial the traffic police show up and want to give my garbage can a citation for being parked in a no park zone.

I told the woman my story, and after she was done laughing her ass off, she made a call and within 10 minutes my trash was picked up - no questions.

In LA, it all comes down to who you know. Even where trash is concerned.