Asshole Neighbors II - The Sleestak Chronicles

In yesterdays edition of cXaos I talked about my asshole neighbor across the street. Today I will describe the thing that lives next door to us. And just to keep things in perspective, our other neighbors, both proximal and distal range from uptight millionaires to speed freaks. What I'm trying to say is it takes all kinds - not all of the neighbors are assholes. But they are all fucked up in their own ways, myself included.

Now the disclaimer is out of the way, on to the Sleestak.

When we first moved here in Burbank, we moved into a neighborhood that has established residents. In other words, most of the people around us have been living in their homes for years. 

There is a creature (a woman I think) who lives next to us that has NEVER spoken a fucking word to either my wife or myself. It's not due to a lack of trying, I tried. Once.

It was the first week we had moved into our house and she was in her driveway, in panties and a t-shirt. I didn't know if it was a dude who cross-dresses openly or a really ugly woman. Either way I wanted to be neighborly and introduce myself. Bad idea.

I walked up to the fence which separates our yards and said "hi". It looked at me and I got a look at it's face, which was unpleasant at best. It has more facial hair than I do, and less teeth. After a grimace and a few grunts it slithered away.

I thought perhaps it didn't speak English and chalked it up to a language barrier issue.

This Sleestak (as my wife nicknamed it) is constantly out in her yard placing cloudy Ziploc bags of water on her driveway. The purpose of this bizarre activity has yet to be determined by either of us.

The Sleestak doesn't have a garbage can - so I have no idea what it does with its' trash. It also dumps pans of water on her weeds in the front yard, as her yard looks like Yellowstone before Columbus hit America. I realized this was probably intentional after having to go into her driveway one day chasing a ball for one of my dogs.

The Sleestak is a fucking hoarder. There is at least 2 front windows of its' house that is covered from floor to ceiling with books, boxes and all sorts of shit that belongs in a fucking landfill. I had never seen anything like it, and had to know more.

I then went to the side of our house where our bedroom window faces the Sleestak's courtyard. Again I was fucking shocked to see another window with shit piled from floor to ceiling - there is no seeing inside of that hovel from any vantage point. A hovel with no functional windows is a lair.

The Sleestak has a courtyard between the detached garage and the hovel which, was filled up with boxes and books and magazines and shit. There is also another window that is blocked with the same type of shit. No wonder this thing doesn't need a trash can.

At this point, from my perspective I live next door to a mute, cross dressing, antisocial, hoarder. I went two for three on that assumption.

One morning, early - and I mean fucking 6am early, we are in bed sleeping when we are woken by something just outside our bedroom window (which we keep covered so we can sleep past 5am) screaming.

The screaming went something like this:

"You are a fucking bully, bully, bully, bully. bully - Goddamnit, Goddamnit, Goddamnit, Goddamnit".


This one sided conversation went on for what had to be a good 10 minutes, and continues until the voice faded around the back corner of our house. I had to know what the fuck was happening because obviously someone was in our 3 foot area between the house and the fence, or outside the Sleestak's lair. So I went out the back door.

The Sleestak is standing in a tank top (confirming that it is actually female - saggy, but female) screaming at her cat. I went back to tell the wife what I had just seen, and it was so unsettling I couldn't go back to sleep.

Great, we live next door to Rainman. 

A few months back the Sleestak decided to have a tree trimmed in her backyard. We again were awoken at 7am, this time by the sound of a chainsaw and Spanish workers yelling at one another. This time the wife went out to handle the problem, as we had been out late the night before and were not going to wake up until we had to.

I followed because when the wife gets pissed off at someone other than me it's so worth watching.

We head out the front door and toward the fence and the wife is telling this 3 man Mexican crew that she is going to shove their chainsaw up their asses if they didn't cut the fucker off. The Sleestak was outside in her usual granny panties and dirty t-shirt - not saying a fucking word.

The Mexican workers didn't understand everything the wife was saying, and because neither of us speak Spanish the threats were falling on one set of stupid ears, and three sets of "I can't understand what you are fucking saying" ears.

The Sleestak slithered back into her hovel without saying shit. I told those fuckers that I was calling INS and the cops, in that order. All of the sudden the head guy speaks English - what a fucking surprise.

He said they were trimming the branches from one of the trees and the Sleestak was going to use the wood to burn in her fireplace. I was unaware that lairs had fireplaces, but whatever. The workers kept the chainsaws off until 8 (city ordinance) and proceeded to cut most of a large tree down.

I saw them cut the wood into 16" pieces and put it in the Sleestaks courtyard. A few days later the wood was no longer in the courtyard - as it had been replaced by boxes of shit.


I assume the Sleestak was worried someone would steal her fire wood and decided to make room in her lair for it.

I guess I just don't understand Sleestak priorities......