Yesterday I am on a business call on my front porch when the Burbank Animal Control rolls up in front of the house. This shit is never good - EVER. We have two younger boxers, both saved from the rescue my wife is involved with, and an 8 year old pit bull with the speed of cold syrup.
Now the only time these cats have been here before was because some neighbor thought one of my dogs took a dookie on her lawn, which would have been impossible for two reasons:
1) The dog in question is a home field player - he only shits in his own yard. I know this because I run him a few times a week on the bike / running trail and dude holds EVERYTHING until he is inside his own gate.
2) Secondly, my dog doesn't posses the use of thumbs, hence dude is unable to open the gate to exit the yard and shit on this lady's lawn even if he wanted to.
Needless to say the officer issued a warning and I objected, and suggested taking a sample of our dogfood and having the suspected poop analyzed. If it came back as my dog, send me the bill. If not, send the old bitch up the street the bill. Sounds like good old American police work to me?
But, even though these Animal Control dudes roll around in "police" vans that say "ANIMAL CONTROL" apparently there was no dookie CSI team available. I was given the warning and used it to pick up the next shit the dog in question took.
So the officer gets out of his van, ticket book in hand and comes to my gate with a smile. He is a short, wormy little cocksucker and his plastic smile immediately told me how fucked I was. The conversation went something like this:
Officer: How are you doing today?
Me: Great until I saw you.
Officer: Huh huh.
Me: Seriously dude, I was having a decent day. Why are you here?
Officer goes to hand me a Warning / Citation that looks like it was written by a retarded third grader.
Me: What the hell is this?
Officer: Well, it seems there was a report at 5am of two boxer attacking another dog.
Me: Really, that's terrible. So again, why are you here?
Officer: This was the address that was given. You do have two boxers registered here, correct?
Me: Yup, sure do. I have two BMW's registered here as well.
Officer: Do you know where your dogs were around 5 am this morning?
Me: I can't be sure, but I do know both were in our bedroom, one usually up my wife's ass and the other on her doggie bed.
Officer: Well, this is the address that was given and apparently the dogs were running at large causing a threat.
Then I got mad:
Me: Are you fucking serious dude? Do I look like the type of guy who is up at 5am?
Officer: No, you don't. But what does that have to do with your dogs being out?
Me: Well Kojak, my dogs as skilled as they are cannot open the bedroom door, the front door, the screen door or the gate. As a matter of fact the year and a half old puppy sometimes still poops in the house. He isn't hitting 160s on the IQ test, ya know?
Officer: Well, this is the address that the incident occurred at so this is just a warning.
Again I tried to read the writing and was immediately taken aback to Kindergarten and crayons.
Me: This writing is not very legible, did you write this?
Officer: That is not relevant sir. You may be contacted by the dogs owner who was in the fight and liable for vet bills.
Me: Are you kidding me dude? My dogs were sawing logs at 5 am. If they were outside I have to be outside...
Officer: If you have an issue with the warning you are welcome to contact the supervisor. Have a nice day.
Me: Yeah, you too. Oh, by the way you stepped in some dog shit.
Dude looks at his shoes and sees nothing.
Me: My bad. It is my address you know. Looks like boxer shit to me. See ya.
So I called the wife and told her - yup she's pissed. Those poor fuckers at the Burbank Animal Control HQ (wish we could have been real cops) have no idea what kind of shit storm they are dealing with from her. I pity the bitch who gets in her way - either way I have bail money set aside.
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