Pennies hold the world together

This morning I was able to see a leaky piece of PVC which feeds the washer. One touch and it went to shit, quick. Because of the manner in which our house is / was built, the only viable option was to shut off the main.

My girl was headed out the door so it was not a complete catastrophe - BUT, and I cannot stress this enough - it was a pain in the ass. A Gluteus nuisance, if you will. This meant I had to go to one of those home improvement centers.

Here in LA that means pack a lunch, or buy one from the trailer in the parking lot.

All I needed was a PVC elbow, one small piece of polyvinyl chloride which incidentally cost 38 cents. After waiting in the self check out line for what seemed like ever, the ONE guy I will call Gilligan, assigned to assist 4 "self check out" stations couldn't make the UPC code reader read the UPC code on my 38 cent elbow any better than I could.

Then, in what had to be no less than 2 foreign languages mixed in with what sounded like Yiddish he asked for help, over the intercom. All 4 stations come to a screeching halt for 38 cents.

I'm like, "hey dude, I have a dollar in cold cash I will give you for this elbow. It only cost 38 cents". He looked at me like I was going to bolt for the door. Seriously, Gilligan actually stepped into my direct line to the door, where an unarmed security guard was mowing down his breakfast burrito seated on a makeshift bar stool.

I upped my offer to 3 bucks but Gilligan wasn't having it, so I waited.

Finally, what looked to be a 14 year old kid comes over and turns a key, pushes some buttons and voila, I see the .38 on the screen. Then the 14 year old boss goes to walk off when Gilligan asked to go on his break, to which the boss replied "when you get done with this customer".

AAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH - I owned Gilligan. His time was now MINE to waste. So I did what any self respecting, pissed off adolescent would do. I put my bills away and fed the self pay machine in pennies, making sure to drop some on the floor more than once.

Of course I didn't have 38 pennies, but I had 18 of them. Gilligan was a shade of red somewhere between Santa Claus and my next door neighbors house (she just had painted last week).

10 minutes or so later I pushed by Gilligan and left, my PVC nugget in hand.

Maybe next time Gilligan will take the time to consider a bribe???

Scarecity and the human intellect

Over the last few days a lot has happened in my world - bad which led to good. I had to be away from the woman I love, and there is some cliche that explains this phenomenon as "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Fonder of what?

I missed my girl because we were in separate area codes. I missed waking up next to her and the intellectual banter she solicits from me. She truly brings out the best in me.

But, Im no doctor and I don't play one on TV - I'm fairly sure my heart didn't physically grow. If it did I guarantee it didn't get fonder. Bigger, larger, pushing the limits of the pericardium sac perhaps - but in no fucking way was it fonder.

I know, it is a metaphoric statement meant to describe the longing one feels when a lover is missing. But fuck, we have computers, ipads, cell phones and all of this cool shit to play with. One would think someone would have come up with a new and improved way of expressing an emotional addiction by now.

However, I digress. I miss her and am so happy to be headed home, which is not only where she is, but what she is.

BTW - I hit a bunny on my way to Vegas Friday night. Normally this would go unnoticed, except Easter was this weekend. If you didn't get your Easter eggs blame me. Then come scrub your eggs and ears off our car. Happy Easter!

NFL good guy

Now the 2011-12 NFL season is in jeopardy because the owners and NFLPA, or whatever they are this week, cannot agree on how to divide the 9 billion dollar pie the NFL generates each year.

The general consensus is most, if not all of the players are spoiled, coddled and crybabies who won't listen to coaching staff because they have the guaranteed money.

I know, I don't feel bad for them either. It's we the fans that are going to suffer, along with DirectTV if a deal doesn't get done. But we the fans are not alone.

Some NFL players play for league minimum. Others live paycheck to paycheck like a lot of American's do. However there are some NFL players that are really good people, as well as rich.

Larry Fitzgerald is one of these guys, the good guys. In a time when futures are in jeopardy and money is tight Larry has told his teammates in Arizona he will help out financially as long as it takes for a deal to get done. That is a class act.

This guy could have just sat on a fat pile of cash (he is scheduled to make 12 million this season) but chose to open his wallet and help.

I am not an Arizona fan, never have been. But if more people, not just players were like Larry Fitzgerald the world would be a much better place. There would probably be an NFL season this coming year as well.

Fair is Subjective

During a speech given by the president yesterday, he was quoted as saying "I want to live in a society that's fair," Granted he was alluding to the current budget crisis, however his speech writer / teleprompter operator should be fired. Saying I want life to be fair is tantamount to saying I want world peace.

Bullshit.

It's too easy for the most powerful man in the world to say he wants to live in a world that is fair. I mean seriously, does this cat tie his own gym shoes?

When I graduated from high school, the dean of the institution gave an address. I will never forget his words - "life is not fair". Although the guy was a first class shit bag his rhetoric was profound in a Forrest Gump sort of way.

Life isn't fair. It's impossible to make it fair. Why you ask?

Because fair is a subjective term based on the perspective of the person (or people) who are claiming one side of fairness or the other.

Fair, in today's day and age amounts to creating a level playing field. What happens on the aforementioned playing field may or may not be fair. If there is any doubt, look at professional sports. Enough said.

While I want to live in a world that is a level playing field for everyone here who is legal, America has a tendency to swing the pendulum of righteousness too far the opposite direction distal to what was once deemed unfair. The Equal Opportunity Employment Act is a perfect example. The Rooney rule, albeit a tad bit less arduous and a lot more defined, is another.

I'm all for people having the same basic rights. But opportunities should be earned, not allocated or legislated -  especially by the government.

I see these cats on the tube spouting off about how their ancestors were treated unfairly, forced into slavery and whatever. But that was how many CENTURIES ago? You are now in a $3,000.00 hand made suit and being driven in a limo - you can't have it both ways. If you want to go back to whence your ancestors came, then go. Don't threaten the rest of us with a good time.

Hell, somewhere back in my lineage the Saxon's probably killed or mutilated some obscure ancestor of mine. Am I in the Netherlands demanding payment? Or special treatment? Or a job?

Entitlement goes hand in hand with the word "fair", and as far as I'm concerned, or what is fair to me is we are entitles to exactly that which we work for.

Hiring quotas on minorities is bullshit. Complaining about how your family came to this country is bullshit. You are here now, and damn sure wouldn't be rolling around in your Benz had your great great great great great great Grandpa been eaten by a lion. 

I know, insensitive, right? Wrong.

The world is based on the food chain principle, the strong will survive. I suspect it has always been that way.

There have been horrible atrocities committed in the name of progress or prosperity, but they are in the past and so long as the playing field is level, that's where they should stay.

Homosexual Education - SB1437

Out here in the great state of California, where money is as scarce as fresh movie ideas, a progressive new piece (of shit) legislation has been introduced - to force the school system statewide to teach homosexuality, gender bending and other unusual lifestyles in public schools.

Now understand, I don't give a hot fuck what folks do in their personal lives. We have very close friends who are a gay couple, which I depict as normal. This is not a gay or lesbian bash. Know that going in.

Here is an excerpt expressing what the bulk of this bill is:

SB 1437 requires textbooks to highlight the so- called positive contributions of homosexual and transgender individuals to society and would prevent textbooks, teaching materials, instruction, and “school- sponsored activities” from reflecting adversely upon persons based on their sexual orientation or actual or perceived gender. 

 So here is my list of issues (in no particular order) with this stupid fucking proposed law.


1) The coalition for the advancement of  Heroin, Crack, Cocaine, Meth and Hallucigenics are getting shortchanged, In school, I was warned about the dangers of these substances, but my school district failed to extol their virtues.I know nothing has changed since my time in the public school system, who by the way tried to force feed me Ritalin so I could focus. Had they told me this was straight speed the chances of my taking their magic beans would have gone up exponentially.

Instead, this bill is discriminatory toward the folks who sell these substances, including the pharmaceutical companies. But drugs are dangerous and addictive you say? Pretty much all substances prescribed by our medical community are dangerous and addictive (see insulin).Yet the cash thrown at federal lobbyists by the pharmaceutical giants is staggering.

2) The coalition for the advancement of smoking will want some fair play. Shit, this is a legal activity which probably rivals if not exceeds the amount of cash given to our representatives in Washington by the manufacturers.

Oh but you say smoking isn't legal by minors? I'm going to go ahead and say here and now that a 12 year old smoking is not nearly as disturbing as a couple of 12 year old boys swallowing each others swords. Call me crazy.....

3) Drinking Games International is going to want some time as well. How can you have a wedding, gay or otherwise without being completely shitfaced following the nuptials?

4) Undoubtedly the porn industry is going to want to enlighten these grade school kids to the pleasures of the flesh - be it gay, lesbian or locomotive. I'm guessing Vivid and other companies of this billion dollar industry will want to have their own textbook, or at very least their own chapter.

5) The gaming industry will absolutely demand that the idea of becoming a professional, or at least compulsive gambler be displayed. And why not? Where else can a moronic nobody win 10 million bucks by sliding a 5 spot across a counter?

I realize this is a ridiculous list, and all of these activities are potentially deadly. But isn't sexual orientation as well? Aren't there children killing themselves because of their sexual orientation?

Perhaps values and acceptance should be more of an indoctrination at the adolescent education level. Besides, the state of California is broke, and will be forced to allow the evil Coke machines back into the schools to finance this should it pass.

How great is that? Fat gay sex education..........

Volunteers can Suck!!

I do it for my girl, for the most part. Usually on Sunday afternoon and occasionally during the week. It takes a few hours a week, except for football season which I'm a no show.

Yup, I volunteer at a local animal shelter.

While this makes me feel good, and I dig the dogs, I do it primarily to spend quality time with my girl. This, in and of itself doesn't make a ton of sense because I put my headphones on and don't speak to too many of the volunteers. Nope, I mainly stick to the dogs and either running them or picking up dog shit - why?

Because SOME of the volunteers suck.

They are self serving, egomaniacal and need constant self validation to survive. Why else would anybody use a dog rescue to define their pathetic existence?

I got nothing! Seriously, nothing! A reason fucking escapes me and it certainly isn't for a lack of trying to find one. Allow me to expand.

There is this one volunteer, let's call him Stove. Stove is an insecure, full of shit asshole with an opinion on pretty much everything dog related. If this dude was so great wouldn't he be a genderbent dog show host on cable?

Stove likes to work with the "problem" dogs, and appears to be more interested in the POTENTIAL rehabilitation of these animals than in serving the overall good of the kennel.

When I first met Stove, it was while I was walking a dog on a Sunday. Stove had a home made chunk of PVC pipe with a leash through it "walking" a dog named Chet. Chet is a cocksucker of a dog. He has bitten at least 3 volunteers at the kennel and who knows how many civilians.

Basically the dog in unadoptable. This factoid doesn't keep Stove from parading this violent, unpredictable animal around not only the volunteers as well as potential adopters.

Stove has been banned from Saturdays altogether. Why? Because Stove will NOT take instruction from women. Dude doesn't appear to respect women. Here is the kicker - all of the decision makers are women.

Here is another fun fact - Stove is, for all intents and purposes, illiterate. When dude feels slighted during the day at the kennel, he runs home to his wifey who writes his emails of despair and complaint - to a bunch of women, most of whom cannot stand to even be in his presence.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but as far as I'm concerned the dude can pretty much fuck off. The bullshit he creates far outweighs any positivity he could now, or even in the future generate for the good of any of the animals.

I will leave you with what this fucker pulled last Sunday, at the kennel.

A group of Girl scouts had showed up to walk some dogs in order to procure their coveted merit badges. Stove is parading a dog let's call Mesley, This dog has a seriously poor history, with bites to employees and volunteers alike.

A couple show up to look for a dog to adopt. Stove somehow works up some magic bullshit Jedi mind trick shit on the entire situation and shows this poor unsuspecting couple Mesley.

It took about two seconds after the wife was petting Mesley when the dog decides to attack this poor woman. Mesley bit her hand and arm, and required another male volunteer to essentially put this dog into a headlock and take him to the ground.

Stove did have to take the woman to the hospital, where she was given stitches.

So what is Stove's reaction to this episode of his own stupidity?? "It's sad that Mesley's fate is now sealed".

Oh yeah, the woman attacked, she is a cop. My hope for Stove is:

A) He gets his fat ass kicked the fuck out the rescue.
B) His wife divorces him, if for no other reason, than for general stupidity.
C) On his way out of divorce court, where Stove just took it in the ass, he gets pulled over by this lady cop.

Stove sucks, and he is a volunteer.

Donald Trump for President??

Is this possible?

I have read at least one of the Donald's books. I am familiar with his history. What a cool idea for a candidate, if for no other reason then there really is nobody else on the Republican side. Let's face it, the current governmental situation sucks. That's right it sucks.

I don't suppose it really matters who is president, they all lie. Every one of them.

What would be refreshing is watching Sir Combover tell all of the coddled politicians how things are. Do you think the Donald gives a hot fuck what some hick Senator from West Virginia thinks? Or approves of Pelosi's bullshit?

The Donald already has a private plane. Hell, his daughter could (and very well should) become the Secretary of Defense - if she can tell B list celebs to fuck off on national TV, how do you think she would do with the Saudi's? The pay per view money generated from cabinet meetings alone could solve the national debt inside of a year.

Speaking of national debt, which China owns a ton of, I could see Trump tell the Chinese that they can loan us additional cash at a lower rate or go fuck themselves. What are they going to do? Foreclose on the USA?

I hope Donald runs for the Presidency, I do. I would go out of my way to register to vote just to say I voted for him. There would also be endless sound bites to conjugate. Besides, look how well the country did the last time it elected an entertainer to the White House - Trumpenomics anyone??

Karma

An interesting term, typically associated in intellectual circles with a kind of getting what you give. In other words if you do bad stuff, you will have bad stuff happen to you. Whether you are Buddhist or a Nihilist the "bringing on of inevitable events" (which is by and large the definition) seems to be a statement of direct contradiction. Here is why -

If an event, or events are in fact inevitable, then by definition they are going to occur regardless of what you, me or the asshole down the road does.That's what inevitable fucking means!

The more "American" interpretation (or at least out here in California) is your deeds (good or bad) will come back to you. This also is a crock of shit in my humble opinion.  Here is why -

The world is littered with a plethora of religions. Each one lays claim on the afterlife, or at least what one must do to either get to the afterlife, or next life, or celestial level, or planet or whatever.

This premise of religion makes somebody right, and in this universe effect always follows cause, hence someone must be wrong. Therefore there is an alternate place to whatever the optimum place is. Hell, Hades or a condo on the river Styx come to mind. To further my argument, consider a 20 year old Muslim raised at some sandbox KOA in the middle east somewhere. Let's call him Esama.

Now Esama has been indoctrinated to love Allah his entire life. He has read and studied the Koran at length as part of his education AND religion. However, his future prospects are for shit so dude decides to trek over to Osamaland in Afghanistan wherein he learns to load and shoot Russian automatic assault rifles, well. While continuing his terrorist education he is again indoctrinated with a radical version of Islam, you know, the version that says kill infidels? Same book, same deity, different instructions - which is a nice way of saying "interpretation".

After a few months of training in Osamaland, Esama is instructed by his cleric (Islamic dude that is what you get when you cross a narcissistic asshole with a religious leader) to go west and kill infidels. This is what Esama has to do, in accordance with his religion to be a good Muslim.

Herein lies the problem....... if dude kills an infidel, who is let's say for the sake of this discussion a Baptist, then he is a hero who will get 72 virgins in the afterlife when the Birmingham police blow his head off. But who is right?

If Esama were to get away with the slaughter of infidels, wouldn't the act of committing murder be generating bad karma? So by definition he would be proper fucked regardless - right?

I have also heard that karma is nothing more than a collective consciousness of common thought. If that is the case America is fucked on sheer numbers alone.

In order for karma to be valid, there has to be someone or something keeping score, and to a certain degree caring about the daily happenings of our lives. God keeps score, but using which unit of measure? Or what metric?

The real question, or the meaning of life should be to figure out who or what is right, and conversely wrong. Good luck with that Esama.

Shit Happens

We've all heard the expression, usually when something bad happens. Stack your car up, get divorced, lose in Vegas or perhaps that asshole cop finally caught you texting while on the freeway. While I don't buy the Forrest Gump explanation of the phrases genesis, it seems as if it is here to stay.

That being said, what about all of the normal, un-noticed, not thought about things that occur every second of every day to accommodate our cush lives? Things like soup being made in Omaha, Nebraska? Or Cheese in Tilamook, Oregon? This stuff happens consistently with the vast population never really taking notice.

I was in the grocery store checking out some steaks, when this wannabe PETA representative says "it's wrong to kill animals to eat them".  "Well shit, if only our ancestors hadn't figured the whole fire thing out". When cows grow opposing thumbs, and make a car that rivals a Ferrari I will vow to never mow down another Mcdouble again. Until then, all I have to say is FOOD CHAIN. She went on to buy some farm raised salmon. Hypocrisy at its finest, and dumbest.

Ponder the hydroelectric power plants supplying us with electricity. Or Direct TV (when they are not over charging us) beaming their neato HD programming into outer space so we can all see Mike Rowe pick up Rhino shit.

I suppose my point to all of this is the world spins with or without us. Our opinions mean dick (sometimes less). Whether we notice it, look at it or truly see it, shit does and will continue to happen.

Funny stuff and what passes for entertainment

I have reached the conclusion that the news media organizations must be a stepchild of the MPAA. Seriously, when was the last time a fatality was shown on the news? Dead people are taboo as are the "live" events that got them there.

I remember a few weeks back watching live coverage of the tsunami in Japan as it was happening. A helicopter with a film crew and live feed was hovering over the mass of debris and water which was destroying everything in its path. People included.

It took a few minutes before whoever was in charge of broadcast content decided to kill (no pun intended) the feed. Then the same replays of the devastation was rebroadcast for weeks, minus the Japanese people drowning.

I'm not completely insensitive, I felt horrible for those folks.

But here is the thing, does the lack of showing the ultimate tragedies on the news alleviate the reality of the event? Except for the friends and families I'm guessing no.

Who hasn't driven by an accident on the freeway and failed to glance over to spot a potential victim with a rag draped over them? Do dead people look differently when the life is gone from them?

Network TV makes its' fortune off of death and the dying. On any given cable channel a dead body or shooting can be seen being portrayed, and that is socially acceptable. Probably because it isn't real.

Hell, my girlfriend won't watch a lion eating a gazelle on natgeo because in her mind it is cruel.

It makes me wonder what kind of stuff passes for entertainment these days. I have taken to people watching mainly because human drama is unedited, non scripted and live. One of my favorite activities is listening to my neighbors (who have since divorced) fight. On a really good day they would take it out in the street.

Another pastime was watching the bus stops following a snow storm, where some unsuspecting victim while waiting for the bus will inevitably get doused with slush and water from a passing car. It really is one of the funniest things a person can witness.

Now before you say it, I know how mean this sounds. How twisted and screwed up is a guy who enjoys the misfortune of others? Hell the Germans have their own word for it in "Schadenfreude". It can't be that bad.

Here is my justification - I can witness something great, beautiful, bizarre (pick an adjective) and take it for what it is. I may enjoy it, I may hate it. Either way my feelings about a given event, tragic or not, has absolutely no effect on the eventual outcome. I am not that narcissistic.

Second Chances

You have to be be a special kind of masochist to thoroughly enjoy the Intervention, Addicted and all of the abortion spinoffs which have been created as a result of them. It always brings a smile to my cockles to see some whiny ass 20 year old crybaby throwing a tantrum when the "interventionist", er, recovering (not yet recovered) addict appeals to their sense of responsibility and or morality.

It does beg the question of who is running the asylum. Seriously, what is the future of said overdose fatality victim who drops to the floor kicking and screaming and swears she isn't going to treatment? And, if anyone tries to make her go she will just kill herself. Now I'm not completely without empathy but that is a show worth watching. The ratings for a whiny crybaby offing themselves on cable would eclipse a Charlie Sheen meltdown.

My point is this - in all of these shows there is a high level of manipulation. The interventionists, coaches or gurus all present semi complex questions which require the addict to formulate an answer which requires an extensive amount of forward thinking - the very skill these folks aren't capable of.

I also have an issue with the whole disease connotation. Diabetes is a disease, that without treatment will kill you. Cancer falls into the same category, as does malaria, Hep A, measles, mumps and perhaps even influenza. Addicts will die if they continue to ingest their chemical of choice - see the difference?

I feel for the terminally ill, the disabled and the mentally challenged. They deserve our sympathy and our support. Addicts need to learn some self discipline. If they want a second chance at normality, a look into their own mind (and a mirror) is probably the place to begin, because regardless of what anyone outside of the addict says, the choice and chance is theirs and theirs alone.

Oh yeah, how long does it take to complete the 12 steps and go from recovering to recovered?