I love me some Two and a Half Men. My nephews turned me on to it 5 years ago, and believe it or not it was the only show they watched as a "family". For 30 minutes the 4 of them were all in the same place at the same time focusing their attention on the same media. Why?
I like to think it's because the writing has an unlimited amount of sexual innuendos - you know the tongue in cheek type shit that resonates funny to both the adult mind and at the same time a child's adolescent sensibilities?
The two nephews say Charlie is the cooler of the two TV personalities, but Alan (Jon Cryer's character) is the better actor. I suppose there is some truth in that statement, although I grew up watching Three's Company and in my opinion Cryer is John Ritter lite. That isn't to say he isn't great, but Jack Tripper was the original and always will be. I'm guessing someone older than myself will tell me who John Ritter patterned himself after in the near future. Until then I stand by my opinion.
Over the past few months Charlie Sheen has made an even larger name for himself, stirring controversy and self promoting his war with show creator Chuck Lorre. Lawsuits have been filed and names have been called in a very public feud.
Just when it appeared that CBS boss man Les Moonves had grown a pair, and Charlie was to be brought back to the show we find that Demi Jr. (Ashton Kutcher) has signed on to replace Charlie's character.
Well, not totally replace him, I read Demi Jr's character will be written into the show as an addition to the household, with Cryer's character assuming a larger role. How many times can a goofy middle aged guy fuck a valley soccer mom and burn down her house????
What will be interesting is the story line that either kills or leaves Charlies character available to return at some point. Why?
Because Demi Jr. is just not that compelling. I can hardly watch the dudes commercials. However, it might just work to his benefit.
Bruce Willis was on TV, then married Demi. Bruce went on to become one of the biggest actors in Hollywood doing action movies, and tough guy roles (his cameo in Oceans' 12 notwithstanding).
Then he divorced Demi who married Ashton. You would think Bruce would break off a call to his babydaddy and let him know he is headed into sitcom obscurity. But stranger things have happened, and Mr. Moore may become the next Rob Lowe - not likely.
But, Hollywood is a strange place and entertainment types, not unlike Charlie Sheen himself, continue to fail upwards. I love Charlie and will buy diet tonic water if he slings it, and I hate tonic water.
I predict the first episode of next season's Two and a Half Men will be off the charts. Everybody will tune in wanting to know what happened to Charlie. Then, as the weeks go by (even if there isn't an NFL season) the audience will fall off. The time slot will be screwed with and eventually CBS will be forced to bring Charlie back or cancel the show altogether.
Personally, I hope Fox signs Charlie to do a show during the same time slot. Then I can quit pausing my DVR to read Lorre's vanity cards.
Happy Friday the 13th........
Friday, May 13, 2011
Natural Disasters disguised as Acts of God
We are being inundated with coverage of the flooding in the midwest. River water levels not seen in some places in 70 plus years, in others - ever.
However, and I'm not being shitty when I say this, we all have our own natural disasters to deal with. Insurance paperwork has termed these calamities as "Acts of God" - like weather concerns The Creator?
What surprises me is the number of folks who are seriously surprised when what is deemed a Natural Disaster occurs - especially in a geographical region indigenous to such activities, ie. flooding proximal to the Mississippi River.
So, to assist those prone to losing their minds when Natural Disaster's occur here is a list of shit storms to expect (or at least not be surprised by) listed geographically.
Pacific Northwest - This area of the country is prone to volcanic eruptions, minor flooding and forest fires.
California - Earthquakes are prevalent here, to the tune of about 10 per day. Most are minor at best, but occasionally the big one hits. ALSO, fires are popular in the southern portion of the state. When this occurs, the vegetation which binds the hillsides together burns away leading to mudslides. FOX 11 news has awesome coverage of the biggest snivelers after each storm.
Southwest - Drought, illegal immigration and UFO sightings.
Rockies - Flooding is the most frequent disaster on the west side of the Rocky Mountains, along with locust hordes. I expect the Salt Lake area to flood this year similar to the event in 1984. Not hoping, just expecting.
Rockies to the midwest - Tornadoes happen here, a lot. There are so many in fact that TV shows are made by the Discovery Channel about dudes who chase these things around.
Eastern Seaboard - Southeast Gulf Coast - Yup, hurricanes happen here. Cool thing about these pissed off tropical storms is there is always a warning.
This list is not exclusive, as earlier this year we got the leftovers from the tsunami / earthquake in Japan. What I am trying to say is if any indigenous to your part of the world occurs, and you get your mug on TV as a result - act like you have been there before. Come off surprised, shocked or betrayed and you just look stupid to the rest of us.
"We built our house here 15 years ago and now with the rains it is sliding down the hill" - weak sauce. Instead, perhaps try this, "My house is the bowling ball and my asshole neighbors are the pins, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" that makes you come off as educated, grounded and free spirited.
Natural disasters happen, it is a reality of the world we live in. Don't be surprised when they do , but most of all concern yourself (at least in public) with the shit you can control. Don't whine, cry, bitch, snivel or whimper about shit you knew could and probably would happen. If you didn't know they could occur, well then you are stupid and you probably won't understand what I'm saying anyway.
I say enjoy and embrace the natural disaster coming to a town near you soon. BBQ at the volcano, re-aim the dish and fire up the generator in the aftermath of an earthquake, keep your beer cold in the river when it floods and enjoy these Acts of God - as they are inevitable.
However, and I'm not being shitty when I say this, we all have our own natural disasters to deal with. Insurance paperwork has termed these calamities as "Acts of God" - like weather concerns The Creator?
What surprises me is the number of folks who are seriously surprised when what is deemed a Natural Disaster occurs - especially in a geographical region indigenous to such activities, ie. flooding proximal to the Mississippi River.
So, to assist those prone to losing their minds when Natural Disaster's occur here is a list of shit storms to expect (or at least not be surprised by) listed geographically.
Pacific Northwest - This area of the country is prone to volcanic eruptions, minor flooding and forest fires.
California - Earthquakes are prevalent here, to the tune of about 10 per day. Most are minor at best, but occasionally the big one hits. ALSO, fires are popular in the southern portion of the state. When this occurs, the vegetation which binds the hillsides together burns away leading to mudslides. FOX 11 news has awesome coverage of the biggest snivelers after each storm.
Southwest - Drought, illegal immigration and UFO sightings.
Rockies - Flooding is the most frequent disaster on the west side of the Rocky Mountains, along with locust hordes. I expect the Salt Lake area to flood this year similar to the event in 1984. Not hoping, just expecting.
Rockies to the midwest - Tornadoes happen here, a lot. There are so many in fact that TV shows are made by the Discovery Channel about dudes who chase these things around.
Eastern Seaboard - Southeast Gulf Coast - Yup, hurricanes happen here. Cool thing about these pissed off tropical storms is there is always a warning.
This list is not exclusive, as earlier this year we got the leftovers from the tsunami / earthquake in Japan. What I am trying to say is if any indigenous to your part of the world occurs, and you get your mug on TV as a result - act like you have been there before. Come off surprised, shocked or betrayed and you just look stupid to the rest of us.
"We built our house here 15 years ago and now with the rains it is sliding down the hill" - weak sauce. Instead, perhaps try this, "My house is the bowling ball and my asshole neighbors are the pins, yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" that makes you come off as educated, grounded and free spirited.
Natural disasters happen, it is a reality of the world we live in. Don't be surprised when they do , but most of all concern yourself (at least in public) with the shit you can control. Don't whine, cry, bitch, snivel or whimper about shit you knew could and probably would happen. If you didn't know they could occur, well then you are stupid and you probably won't understand what I'm saying anyway.
I say enjoy and embrace the natural disaster coming to a town near you soon. BBQ at the volcano, re-aim the dish and fire up the generator in the aftermath of an earthquake, keep your beer cold in the river when it floods and enjoy these Acts of God - as they are inevitable.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tenacity in Hollywood
Living in Southern California and more specifically in Burbank (which borders North Hollywood) I probably hear more in terms of pop-culture bullshit than people should.
Paris Hilton and the Lohan clan don't usually get much of my attention, primarily because of the stupid factor associated with both. I'm going to go ahead and say the Kardashian family falls into the same category - boring.
Those that inspire me, are the stars who have a body of work, and push their personal envelope to reach great success, and with that comes the tabloids - and Southpark.
Almost all of what I know about Scientology comes from a Southpark episode on Tom Cruise. I have never met Tom, but he has done things his own way. He is passionate about his religion, and that's fine with me - we all need to believe in something. Even if that something is nothing.
Tom Cruise bet on himself when making the Mission Impossible movies. He is so good at what he does (I suspect he knows this) that he formed his own production company and took a left turn at Hollywood and Normal. "Fuck Hollywood" I would imagine he said, or at least thought.
It has worked out well for him both personally and financially. He believes in what he does and does it, well.
Has he been beaten in the Tabloids? Yup. In fact, if you believe the Southpark episode on Scientology one could only reach the conclusion that anybody involved in the "Cult" is nuts. Having spent most of my life in Utah, there is a strange similarity between the Mormons and L. Rons group. Both are very secretive, both are financially viable and both are gaining popularity.
My point is Tom Cruise, love him or hate him has made the most of his successes and failures. Chances are there is a movie the dude has made which resonates with each one of us somehow, some way.
The same could be said for Mel Gibson.
No matter how many things this guy does that lands him on the cover of the check out rags, he always seems to come out the other side ok. I mean who doesn't love Riggs from Lethal Weapon(s)?????
Mel has also taken a similar journey to Tom Cruise and had his religious convictions help the public form their opinions of him. Granted, fundamental Catholicism is probably not as difficult to swallow as Scientology.
Mel has made great movies over the years and has done it his way. It's safe to assume he also has said "Fuck Hollywood" - at least to himself.
Who else can make a movie done 100% in subtitles and have it be a success in the current day and age?
These two guys have done things their own way when Hollywood left them on the side of the road for dead. Both have been successful and both will continue to be relevant for years to come.
If anything can be learned from them it's this - do your thing. Do it better than anybody else. The world (and Hollywood) makes exceptions for winners.
One only needs to look as far as Charlie Sheen to validate this point.
Paris Hilton and the Lohan clan don't usually get much of my attention, primarily because of the stupid factor associated with both. I'm going to go ahead and say the Kardashian family falls into the same category - boring.
Those that inspire me, are the stars who have a body of work, and push their personal envelope to reach great success, and with that comes the tabloids - and Southpark.
Almost all of what I know about Scientology comes from a Southpark episode on Tom Cruise. I have never met Tom, but he has done things his own way. He is passionate about his religion, and that's fine with me - we all need to believe in something. Even if that something is nothing.
Tom Cruise bet on himself when making the Mission Impossible movies. He is so good at what he does (I suspect he knows this) that he formed his own production company and took a left turn at Hollywood and Normal. "Fuck Hollywood" I would imagine he said, or at least thought.
It has worked out well for him both personally and financially. He believes in what he does and does it, well.
Has he been beaten in the Tabloids? Yup. In fact, if you believe the Southpark episode on Scientology one could only reach the conclusion that anybody involved in the "Cult" is nuts. Having spent most of my life in Utah, there is a strange similarity between the Mormons and L. Rons group. Both are very secretive, both are financially viable and both are gaining popularity.
My point is Tom Cruise, love him or hate him has made the most of his successes and failures. Chances are there is a movie the dude has made which resonates with each one of us somehow, some way.
The same could be said for Mel Gibson.
No matter how many things this guy does that lands him on the cover of the check out rags, he always seems to come out the other side ok. I mean who doesn't love Riggs from Lethal Weapon(s)?????
Mel has also taken a similar journey to Tom Cruise and had his religious convictions help the public form their opinions of him. Granted, fundamental Catholicism is probably not as difficult to swallow as Scientology.
Mel has made great movies over the years and has done it his way. It's safe to assume he also has said "Fuck Hollywood" - at least to himself.
Who else can make a movie done 100% in subtitles and have it be a success in the current day and age?
These two guys have done things their own way when Hollywood left them on the side of the road for dead. Both have been successful and both will continue to be relevant for years to come.
If anything can be learned from them it's this - do your thing. Do it better than anybody else. The world (and Hollywood) makes exceptions for winners.
One only needs to look as far as Charlie Sheen to validate this point.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Open Letter to Pakistan
Dear Pakistan -
We here in the US have this cool new technology, maybe you have heard of it? It's called TV - and let's not forget about the interweb. Yup, we have 'em both.
Your ignorant shitbox Prime Minister Syed Yousuf Raza Gilani addressed Parliament following the porting of Bin Laden's dome, and scolded the US for executing a military or covert operation on their soil without their permission. Dude went on to say that if the US did it again, the Pakistani military would have a reaction.
Sure you will tough guy.
You will launch a nuke at a superpower inside your own country? Yeah, that's going to happen.
Oh, so you're going to send some planes over to bomb the operation? Hear me when I say C-O-L-L-A-T-E-R-A-L damage - or the killing of your own civilians. We all know that won't happen.
You want to send a few warheads over to the US as punishment? Good luck with that. You will be turned into the top of the worlds largest coffee table before you get a report from CNN on how your aggression turned out.
Look, dusty third world country - we give you 3 billion a year to be a good little rogue nuclear nation and shut the fuck up. We ask to use your shitty little country to supply our troops in Afghanistan because we are polite. Don't believe me? Try saying no and see what happens.
Face it Pakistan, the US is the only thing that prevents India from kicking your shitty little ass. Quit hiding terrorists, quit aiding bad guys and stop running your gullet. After all you don't want to be the feature attraction on the CIA's next closed circuit TV event, now do ya?
We here in the US have this cool new technology, maybe you have heard of it? It's called TV - and let's not forget about the interweb. Yup, we have 'em both.
Your ignorant shitbox Prime Minister Syed Yousuf Raza Gilani addressed Parliament following the porting of Bin Laden's dome, and scolded the US for executing a military or covert operation on their soil without their permission. Dude went on to say that if the US did it again, the Pakistani military would have a reaction.
Sure you will tough guy.
You will launch a nuke at a superpower inside your own country? Yeah, that's going to happen.
Oh, so you're going to send some planes over to bomb the operation? Hear me when I say C-O-L-L-A-T-E-R-A-L damage - or the killing of your own civilians. We all know that won't happen.
You want to send a few warheads over to the US as punishment? Good luck with that. You will be turned into the top of the worlds largest coffee table before you get a report from CNN on how your aggression turned out.
Look, dusty third world country - we give you 3 billion a year to be a good little rogue nuclear nation and shut the fuck up. We ask to use your shitty little country to supply our troops in Afghanistan because we are polite. Don't believe me? Try saying no and see what happens.
Face it Pakistan, the US is the only thing that prevents India from kicking your shitty little ass. Quit hiding terrorists, quit aiding bad guys and stop running your gullet. After all you don't want to be the feature attraction on the CIA's next closed circuit TV event, now do ya?
Friday, May 6, 2011
SLUT Walk
Our Canadian buddies, in their infinitely passive wisdom, decided to allow a police officer to be a keynote speaker at a college forum - the subject was how to make women feel safe(er) walking the campus at night. Bear in mind this is a cop.
So the cop goes through his diatribe, and when asked about specific steps that should be taken by a member of the audience dude replies, "don't dress like a slut".
Pretty straight forward, common sense advice.
Wait, did this cat say slut? In Canada that particular piece of verbiage cannot even be said on the radio. Nonetheless these 4 words spawned what would be known as a SLUT walk. And not just in the great white north. Here in the states the movement has legs on it.
Now let's be clear what happens in the big bad unfair world. Women love attention. I only need to go as far as breast implants to validate that point.
I know, I can hear it already - "I got my boobs done to make myself feel better". Fair enough. Let's examine that statement, if for no other reason to show the world how moronic it is.
Women know that sex sells. It sells in every society on the planet, and it works. We as men buy cars, houses, watches, clothes and every toy imaginable for the soul purpose of getting laid. Married or not. Committed relationship or not. Women are smart, very smart. They know this.
When a woman gets her boobs enhanced (bigger) there isn't a ton of guesswork that goes into the reason why, regardless of the bullshit that may be uttered. Women want to be attractive to their mates.
Oh you say big boobs aren't necessarily attractive? Allow me to retort.
Check out any gold or platinum porn title made in the past few years and 99% of those movies have chicks with huge boobs in them. I can't imagine a flat chested pair of women doing girl on girl scenes - would seem like midget kiddie porn. Boring and not compelling.
That's not to say women who don't have large boobs are not attractive, or are incapable of producing a great piece of filth. However, numbers don't lie.
So women who walk around in tight little shirts showing off their tits, please don't be offended if guys everywhere are staring at them and keep saying "what?" every time you say something remotely provocative or witty. Blame your fun bags, and that hottie in the mirror who dressed you.
So the cop goes through his diatribe, and when asked about specific steps that should be taken by a member of the audience dude replies, "don't dress like a slut".
Pretty straight forward, common sense advice.
Wait, did this cat say slut? In Canada that particular piece of verbiage cannot even be said on the radio. Nonetheless these 4 words spawned what would be known as a SLUT walk. And not just in the great white north. Here in the states the movement has legs on it.
Now let's be clear what happens in the big bad unfair world. Women love attention. I only need to go as far as breast implants to validate that point.
I know, I can hear it already - "I got my boobs done to make myself feel better". Fair enough. Let's examine that statement, if for no other reason to show the world how moronic it is.
Women know that sex sells. It sells in every society on the planet, and it works. We as men buy cars, houses, watches, clothes and every toy imaginable for the soul purpose of getting laid. Married or not. Committed relationship or not. Women are smart, very smart. They know this.
When a woman gets her boobs enhanced (bigger) there isn't a ton of guesswork that goes into the reason why, regardless of the bullshit that may be uttered. Women want to be attractive to their mates.
Oh you say big boobs aren't necessarily attractive? Allow me to retort.
Check out any gold or platinum porn title made in the past few years and 99% of those movies have chicks with huge boobs in them. I can't imagine a flat chested pair of women doing girl on girl scenes - would seem like midget kiddie porn. Boring and not compelling.
That's not to say women who don't have large boobs are not attractive, or are incapable of producing a great piece of filth. However, numbers don't lie.
So women who walk around in tight little shirts showing off their tits, please don't be offended if guys everywhere are staring at them and keep saying "what?" every time you say something remotely provocative or witty. Blame your fun bags, and that hottie in the mirror who dressed you.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
With all due respect
Yup - that amalgamation of words has extreme power, and privilege. I love interviews where the person answering begins their answer with "all due respect" - because I can paraphrase the shit out of what comes next. I don't even need to hear it. I could mute the TV or computer and still guess as to what was implied, meant or intimated. Here it is in shorthand - Fuck you and your opinion.
Liberating, huh?
I wonder what the rules are for utilizing this gem of a phrase? In other words, how far can somebody take it?
For example, if I was talking to my boss and said, "but sir, with all due respect your idea is so fucked off you couldn't color that bitch with a crayon" would that be perceived as acceptable in common circles of society?
Perhaps if the crayon comment wasn't there?
Liberating, huh?
I wonder what the rules are for utilizing this gem of a phrase? In other words, how far can somebody take it?
For example, if I was talking to my boss and said, "but sir, with all due respect your idea is so fucked off you couldn't color that bitch with a crayon" would that be perceived as acceptable in common circles of society?
Perhaps if the crayon comment wasn't there?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The power of one dollar
In economic times like these, especially out here in Southern California, the need to stretch dollars is at an all time high. Fuel prices are almost 5 bucks a gallon and we are still 3 weeks from the official summer driving season. Everything is more expensive with no real end in sight.
Dollar bills are becoming irrelevant because they don't have much buying power. What can you get for a dollar today? A soda from a machine. A small candy bar. In other words, not much.
Fast food chains have dollar menus which after tax is well over a buck. However, a single dollar can still change a life.
I have a soft spot for homeless folks. Not these cats that camp at the freeway off ramps, parking lot exits or other places where the public is forced to stop. Nope, those guys can fuck off.
It's impossible for me to feel any sympathy for a dude with a clean shave and khaki shorts on (empathy does come to mind though) holding a sign that says "Broke" or "Desperate" or "Homeless". Bitch, if you need a sign to tell me how fucked your life is, you are a walking contradiction (see also oxymoron).
The compelling homeless are the guys who say nothing. Very rarely does anybody get my dollar bills who solicits it. I like the strong, silent hobo approach.
Some dude outside of a drug store asked me for change, on the way in. I told him, "dude, everybody today has plastic, and I'm on the way in". Far be it from me to explain the rules to a professional, but I didn't make them. But, I did get some cash back from my purchase, and slipped the guy a few bucks.
Sure, he violated my policy. But there is another side to this story. A side that few acknowledge and even less experience. The feeling one gets when helping another human being.
I can be having a shit day and, if given the opportunity will change my mental state by forking over a few bucks to an unsuspecting homeless guy. Beats the shit out of a McDouble.
Dollar bills are becoming irrelevant because they don't have much buying power. What can you get for a dollar today? A soda from a machine. A small candy bar. In other words, not much.
Fast food chains have dollar menus which after tax is well over a buck. However, a single dollar can still change a life.
I have a soft spot for homeless folks. Not these cats that camp at the freeway off ramps, parking lot exits or other places where the public is forced to stop. Nope, those guys can fuck off.
It's impossible for me to feel any sympathy for a dude with a clean shave and khaki shorts on (empathy does come to mind though) holding a sign that says "Broke" or "Desperate" or "Homeless". Bitch, if you need a sign to tell me how fucked your life is, you are a walking contradiction (see also oxymoron).
The compelling homeless are the guys who say nothing. Very rarely does anybody get my dollar bills who solicits it. I like the strong, silent hobo approach.
Some dude outside of a drug store asked me for change, on the way in. I told him, "dude, everybody today has plastic, and I'm on the way in". Far be it from me to explain the rules to a professional, but I didn't make them. But, I did get some cash back from my purchase, and slipped the guy a few bucks.
Sure, he violated my policy. But there is another side to this story. A side that few acknowledge and even less experience. The feeling one gets when helping another human being.
I can be having a shit day and, if given the opportunity will change my mental state by forking over a few bucks to an unsuspecting homeless guy. Beats the shit out of a McDouble.
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